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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if this would piss you off? Wedding guest related

186 replies

PepperAndCheese · 09/05/2019 11:04

Jane and Tina met through work about 4 years ago. Jane left the place where Tina works about 2 years but have remained in contact, mainly via social media and the odd meet up/film and takeaway night at Jane's house with other former colleagues.

Jane is getting married at the very beginning of July and invited Tina along with Tina's partner (who Jane has only met once briefly) and a few of the ex work colleagues.

Tina RSVP'd back in February to say her and her partner would be attending the wedding, they have been invited to the ceremony, meal and evening party. It is a 4 hour drive away as Jane is marrying in her home town down south.

Yesterday Tina's partners nephew (who he is very close to) got engaged whilst holidaying in Australia. Tina's partner, Bob is like a father figure to his nephew, especially as nephew has fallen out with his own father for the last 12 months (abusive father).

Their engagement party is on the same day as Jane's wedding and Bob really wants to go.

Jane paid a lot of money per head for the reception and Tina is very worried that Jane will be hacked off. Also, Tina has just realised that this thread is so obviously posted by Tina and will no longer speak in the third person.

So Mumsnet, what do I do? Do I make "Bob" come to the wedding and keep the peace, or risk pissing Jane off who is good friends with my manager and risk people talking about me! I would be willing to pay the £105 that the meal cost for Bob.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 09/05/2019 11:07

Could the engagement party be rescheduled?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/05/2019 11:08

I think the earlier you tell Jane the better- life happens some times, he cant help his nephews engagement party being on the same day and tbh he doesnt really know Jane. I think it would be fine to explain, if you sense shes got the humph you could offer to pay but ultimately you've given her notice to give his place to someone else.

nrpmum · 09/05/2019 11:08

I'd tell Jane the truth and offer to pay Bob's £105. Bob is in a difficult situation. Normally I'd say Bob should keep this prior commitment, but he is like a Dad to his Nephew so would understand him wanting to be there instead.

notatwork · 09/05/2019 11:09

Let Jane know now and she won't lose any money.
She invited you: Bob's just a +1 really, so no emotional attachment.

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/05/2019 11:09

I go with the don't cancel for a better option school of manners so I would expect Bob to come with me and celebrate an engagement privately with the other couple.

Sanch1 · 09/05/2019 11:10

I would speak to Jane and explain the situation. Its very likely that she'll have a 'reserve' list and may be able to invite someone in Bob's place. Or Tina could ask if she can bring an alternative guest?

InTheEndgameNow · 09/05/2019 11:10

Let Jane know, it might be that someone else could take his place?

Birdshitbridgegotme · 09/05/2019 11:10

Either reschedule the engagement party if poss or Bob will have to miss it as hes already rspv'ed to a wedding and it's very bad manners to let that person down. He can still attend the nephews wedding. Not bad to miss a party imo

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/05/2019 11:10

Surely if he was like a Dad they would have checked Bob was available for the party?

user1474894224 · 09/05/2019 11:11

Options: get Bob to ask his nephew to move the party. (I would never arrange that type of event without consulting my nearest and dearest first to check dates. Is Bob really a father figure? Or does he just think he is?)
Options: invite nephew and fiancée to yours another time to celebrate.
Options: talk to your friend getting married and offer to pay for bobs meal. Chances are she will already have people she would like to invite to the wedding she couldn't fit in.

Unfortunately for Bob I think you both agreed to the wedding so that's what you should do. It's rude to cancel on the bride.

Birdshitbridgegotme · 09/05/2019 11:11

Or as pp said. Get Bob to pay the money to cover what she spent on him or ask her if there is someone else you can bring in his place?

Original poster
PepperAndCheese · 09/05/2019 11:12

Argh, I feel terrible though. Will she be able to get a refund?

I just think it sounds like a carp excuse, like something better has come along :(

OP posts:
notoafternoontea · 09/05/2019 11:13

If you're happy to go on your own, do. I think offering to pay for Bob's meal is the right thing to do but strongly suspect she will turn you down.

I'm another one who agrees that I would usually tell Bob, bad luck, we committed to this first, but in these circumstances (which you will have to explain) I think it's ok.

I'm another one who also things that 6-8 weeks out, she should be able to change the numbers without incurring any cost btw.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/05/2019 11:13

dont think you can ask to reschedule the engagement party- imagine the bride to be when her fiance says
"I know you've invited all your friends and family already but Uncle Bobs misses, one of her old colleagues is getting married on the same day"... (that would be a great mn aibu)

Chanel05 · 09/05/2019 11:13

Let Jane know and maybe offer the cost of the meal? It shows willing. People get very funny about their weddings - I lost a friendship of 15 years because I was unable to take a days holiday because they got married on a Friday and I couldn't afford the hen do abroad (also taking holiday as they went on a Thursday). Apparently I could have flown out Saturday morning and flown back Sunday morning 🤔 instead. I lost mutual friends because of that too!

notoafternoontea · 09/05/2019 11:13

Surely if he was like a Dad they would have checked Bob was available for the party?

Actually, this is a really good point.

meditrina · 09/05/2019 11:13

Bob goes to the wedding.

An engagement party is a way lesser event, and prior arrangements generally take priority

(Had it been the actual wedding in the same day, then I'd have said one of you goes to each)

HBStowe · 09/05/2019 11:14

I would have absolutely understood bob not coming when I got married, so just be honest and if she’s nice / not a harpy she will understand. I don’t think you need to offer to pay as it’s unlikely she had confirmed final numbers with the caterer (usually that’s done a week or two before) but if you’re feeling worried you can offer as a nice gesture.

AhhhHereItGoes · 09/05/2019 11:15

Bob goes to engagement party.
Tina goes to wedding.

Bob and Tina like every couple, don't need to be tied at the hip.
I mean that kindly - it's ok to socialise apart.

TokyoSushi · 09/05/2019 11:15

Tina should go to the wedding, Bob should go to the party.

Tina should offer to pay for Bob's meal although it's unlikely that Jane will accept. All will be fine.

Gatehouse77 · 09/05/2019 11:16

I'd be asking the nephew to change the date if he really wants Bob to be there. Otherwise, you already had commitments.

Ask the nephew how he'd feel if it was the other way round, especially as the wedding has been set since February.

At worst, I'd go to the wedding and, if possible, take someone else with me.

churchthecat · 09/05/2019 11:17

You go to the thing you accepted first, unless it's a huge important event that you were invited to second.

You should both go to the wedding. It's a bit mad flying to Aus just for an engagement party.

Either that or you go to the wedding, Bob goes to the engagement party on his own.

AhhhHereItGoes · 09/05/2019 11:17

Also are engagement parties a thing?
I don't know anyone who had one.
Maybe it's the new baby shower Smile

RosaWaiting · 09/05/2019 11:19

such a palaver

tell her the truth, offer to pay for him, ask her what her preferences are.

RosaWaiting · 09/05/2019 11:20

agree that nephew should have checked as well.