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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if this would piss you off? Wedding guest related

186 replies

PepperAndCheese · 09/05/2019 11:04

Jane and Tina met through work about 4 years ago. Jane left the place where Tina works about 2 years but have remained in contact, mainly via social media and the odd meet up/film and takeaway night at Jane's house with other former colleagues.

Jane is getting married at the very beginning of July and invited Tina along with Tina's partner (who Jane has only met once briefly) and a few of the ex work colleagues.

Tina RSVP'd back in February to say her and her partner would be attending the wedding, they have been invited to the ceremony, meal and evening party. It is a 4 hour drive away as Jane is marrying in her home town down south.

Yesterday Tina's partners nephew (who he is very close to) got engaged whilst holidaying in Australia. Tina's partner, Bob is like a father figure to his nephew, especially as nephew has fallen out with his own father for the last 12 months (abusive father).

Their engagement party is on the same day as Jane's wedding and Bob really wants to go.

Jane paid a lot of money per head for the reception and Tina is very worried that Jane will be hacked off. Also, Tina has just realised that this thread is so obviously posted by Tina and will no longer speak in the third person.

So Mumsnet, what do I do? Do I make "Bob" come to the wedding and keep the peace, or risk pissing Jane off who is good friends with my manager and risk people talking about me! I would be willing to pay the £105 that the meal cost for Bob.

OP posts:
PCohle · 09/05/2019 11:50

Why would Jane be able to invite someone else? Having a "reserve" list of people to invite at the last minute, making it clear to them they weren't good enough to make the first cut, is also pretty rude in my book.

This isn't an example of "life happens". Cancelling because of illness or other emergency etc is totally fine. This is making a deliberate choice not to honour a commitment, despite the inconvenience it will cause for others.

Bluetrews25 · 09/05/2019 11:51

She probably hasn't given final numbers yet, or paid the balance. Bob not going or being replaced would save her money. Let her know asap.
Send Bob to the party for nephew.

Shoxfordian · 09/05/2019 11:51

It's really rude to cancel because something better came along. He should be attending with you as he agreed to because he's your partner.

MashaBear1 · 09/05/2019 11:52

If the wedding is not until 6 July it's unlikely final numbers are confirmed so just tell her now and ask if there is a financial implication for Bob not attending. If there is then offer to pay. Don't see what the dilemma is

FizzyGreenWater · 09/05/2019 11:53

For several of the reasons you mention upthread you should absolutely 100% drag Bob.

  • local engagement party v wedding that has been paid for - no contest.
  • Bob's laziness and potential underhand behaviour needs nipping sharpish. He's committed. He goes!
  • if Bob did ask nephew to arrange on this date, then a. he really has no respect for you at all and b. engagement can damn well be rearranged.
  • it's a bloody engagement party in (I'm guessing) a local pub/venue. A total non-event.

I do not like Bob today, he's irritated me, so I appreciate I'm being a bit snappy.

SeaToSki · 09/05/2019 11:54

Hi Jane. I am so sorry, but Bob is not going to be able to come to your wedding. His dear nephew has just told us that he is having an engagement party on the same night. Bob is very close to his nephew and although we are pretty frustrated that they didnt check with us before booking the party, Bob feels it is very important he supports his nephew as he is like a father to him. I am looking forward to coming to your wedding, Bob will happily reimburse you for the cost of his meal, just let me know how much he should send. I am sorry this has happened so last minute. Best Tina

So basically throw Bob under the bus, Tina doesnt know him and if there is gossip you can just blame him to avoid any blow back on you

notoafternoontea · 09/05/2019 11:54

Pepper, if he is that close to the engagement party, that is what he should be doing. Just tell her! It's 8 weeks until the wedding, no way has she finally confirmed the numbers!

cakecakecheese · 09/05/2019 11:58

I think Bob should go to the wedding. When you accept wedding invitations you do run the risk that it may clash with something that comes along in the meantime but that's kind of tough luck really, especially in this case as there's nothing wrong with celebrating an engagement but not sure why it needs a big formal event. I actually went to an engagement party once where there was a seating plan (that everyone ignored) and speeches, was a tad OTT.

Pipandmum · 09/05/2019 11:58

I think caterers check the week before for final numbers. Life happens (at my wedding there was a heart attack and a car accident this just a few days before). Ridiculous to offer or accept payment for the meal! How does she know it cost £105? That must be some menu! I’m against plus one - who’d want half the people there you hardly know? I’d say she (you) apologise and say something’s come up and Bob can’t go. Done. I’d resent my partner for putting me in that position though!

Thertruthisoutwhere · 09/05/2019 11:59

Im pretty sure 8 weeks ahead the balance will have been paid. Cant remember for mine but i think it was at least 6 weeks. I also didnt have a reserve list as i invited everyone who i wanted to come

Off topic - just realised there is a typo in my username!

neveradullmoment99 · 09/05/2019 12:01

Tina could take someone else as her +1? Leaving Bob free to go to the engagement party.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 09/05/2019 12:02

Bob should go to the wedding.

He's accepted, its all organised and if Bob being at the party is that crucial then they should have checked he could go. Wedding trumps engagement shindig.

Lweji · 09/05/2019 12:02

I can't see why the venue/catering wouldn't be able to adjust the cost for a small number of missing or extra guests.

Having said that, if he really doesn't want to go and the bride can't recoup costs, I'd find someone else to go with me. A friend or relative.

TonTonMacoute · 09/05/2019 12:03

I am amazed that an engagement party has to be organised two months in advance!

How big a deal is getting engaged FFS? Surely you don't need a huge knees up just to celebrate getting engaged?

If I was the bride I would be pissed off, even though there is time to invite replacement guests. Accepting an invitation to a big wedding should trump later invitations IMO.

Original poster
PepperAndCheese · 09/05/2019 12:04

Jane has told some people the cost of the meal...

Jane had an extravagant engagement party so will likely understand.

I am going to send the text at 1pm on my lunch if I can build the courage.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 09/05/2019 12:05

Speak to her. I don't think she will be bothered in the slightest because as others have said he was invited for you, not for her.

Not sure what the downer is on engagement parties though, nothing wrong with a party and having something to look forward to.

RNBrie · 09/05/2019 12:05

Are you 100% Bobs meal is already paid for? Our caterers only needed us to confirm exact numbers 2 weeks before the date...

theworldistoosmall · 09/05/2019 12:06

He goes to the weddiing
Engagement party just more money to rob from your friends/family.

Connieston · 09/05/2019 12:08

Strictly speaking you should honour the wedding acceptance. However, realistically I don't expect it would be an issue to say a family matter has come up meaning Bob can't attend. If the bride doesn't actually know your other half she won't miss him and may be able to invite someone else. She might even save the money if its per head... but defo make it clear you are more than happy to cover the cost. If she graciously refuses this make sure she gets a super nice wedding present.

Do it very soon though because table plans name places etc may have been printed already.

beachysandy81 · 09/05/2019 12:08

You go to the wedding and tell her Bob can't come. Offer to pay for his place if she has already confirmed final numbers. She won't care as she has only met him once. The most important thing is that you go and that you are willing to pay if any money is lost.

Bob should go to his nephew's engagement party if he is like a son to him, he doesn't know Jane.

Wedding does not trump engagement party for a plus one!!! How ridiculous.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/05/2019 12:11

Bob needs to get his act together and stand up to the plate. He may not know Tina, but while its true you are not joined at the hip, Bob is your partner and he agreed to go to the wedding for your sake, so that you can both have a nice time together. Four hour drive there and back on your own? Unless you think that Jane has another ex colleague who would take Bobs place?
Bob should say to DN.. "sorry the missus and I already accepted a wedding invitation on that date nearly a year ago, I'd feel bad making Tina go on her own".
Weddings trump engagements. If Bob said it firmly enough DN would accept it, but there's probably been talk of maybe we can cancel. That's not fair on you frankly.
Take DN and his fiance out for a celebratory dinner. The week before or the week after. It won't matter if he's not at engagementparty - as long at you are at their wedding.

cannoninD · 09/05/2019 12:15

As a bride to be (3 weeks to go 🤯) perhaps I’m a little bias. But it’s incredibly rude to drop out last minute!

We had 2 guests (international) drop out last week. And a 37 YO family member who ‘thought her mum had told us she could no longer come’ 🙄😒

Whilst I tried to be understanding both really irritated me. A lot is based on volume with weddings. How many guests dictates how much you pay vendors, decoration, furniture hire....etc - so it’s not just about the meal, it’s about everything else too!

Guests seem to have this ‘well it won’t matter if I drop out’ opinion but don’t realise they’re not the only ones doing it!!

BlackCatSleeping · 09/05/2019 12:18

I also think Bob should go to the wedding as agreed. An engagement party really isn't a huge deal. It's just a piss-up (usually). He will no doubt gladly attend their actual wedding so it's all good.

OKBobble · 09/05/2019 12:22

Unlikely that there will be any financial aspect that will affect the bride if you tell them now that Bob is unfortunately now not able to attend.

Usually venues want final numbers 2 weeks before and invoicing is doen at that point. A deposit on the whole catering would have been taken.

Therefore by cancelling early enough there should be no financial impact. If Bob is truly the father figure in his nephew's life of course he should be at his engagement party rather than some random ex work colleague.

I am not sure what the issue is here. It is so easily resolvable by just contacting the bride (whatever her preferred method of communication is) and just letting her know he can no longer come!

BuffySummerss · 09/05/2019 12:23

She's probably not even paid yet. We didn't finalise catering numbers or pay until 4 weeks before the wedding. It's still 8 weeks before Tina's! Hopefully you're in luck to just say he can't attend now.