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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if this would piss you off? Wedding guest related

186 replies

PepperAndCheese · 09/05/2019 11:04

Jane and Tina met through work about 4 years ago. Jane left the place where Tina works about 2 years but have remained in contact, mainly via social media and the odd meet up/film and takeaway night at Jane's house with other former colleagues.

Jane is getting married at the very beginning of July and invited Tina along with Tina's partner (who Jane has only met once briefly) and a few of the ex work colleagues.

Tina RSVP'd back in February to say her and her partner would be attending the wedding, they have been invited to the ceremony, meal and evening party. It is a 4 hour drive away as Jane is marrying in her home town down south.

Yesterday Tina's partners nephew (who he is very close to) got engaged whilst holidaying in Australia. Tina's partner, Bob is like a father figure to his nephew, especially as nephew has fallen out with his own father for the last 12 months (abusive father).

Their engagement party is on the same day as Jane's wedding and Bob really wants to go.

Jane paid a lot of money per head for the reception and Tina is very worried that Jane will be hacked off. Also, Tina has just realised that this thread is so obviously posted by Tina and will no longer speak in the third person.

So Mumsnet, what do I do? Do I make "Bob" come to the wedding and keep the peace, or risk pissing Jane off who is good friends with my manager and risk people talking about me! I would be willing to pay the £105 that the meal cost for Bob.

OP posts:
Original poster
PepperAndCheese · 09/05/2019 11:20

Sorry, the engagement party isn't in Australia, its local! For those asking why the dates were not checked with Bob, its because Bob NEVER goes anywhere! He is a huge home bird. Never wants to come to social events. It was a strain to get him to the wedding and part of me thinks he may have asked nephew to book it on that day to get out of the wedding lol

She is a bit harpy to be honest, to the point where I am feeling very anxious about speaking with her. May just drag Bob

OP posts:
flowery · 09/05/2019 11:21

Would Jane really be angry at someone's 'plus one' having a family event arising and not being able to make her wedding? A plus one is usually invited for the benefit of the desired guest, not for the benefit of the bride and groom.

Original poster
PepperAndCheese · 09/05/2019 11:21

Can someone help me draft a message to Jane?!

OP posts:
churchthecat · 09/05/2019 11:21

Then you go to the wedding, he goes to the engagement party, and you offer to pay any lost costs for his meal.

Original poster
PepperAndCheese · 09/05/2019 11:22

Would Jane really be angry at someone's 'plus one' having a family event arising and not being able to make her wedding? A plus one is usually invited for the benefit of the desired guest, not for the benefit of the bride and groom

very good point

OP posts:
RosaWaiting · 09/05/2019 11:22

OP why can't you just phone Jane?!

churchthecat · 09/05/2019 11:23

"Hi Jane, so sorry, but Bob is now unable to attend the wedding, though I will still of course be coming! Please let me know if there is a fee to cancel his booking for the meal and I will reimburse you. X"

AskMeHow · 09/05/2019 11:24

An engagement party isn't the sort of important event it would be reasonable to drop out of a wedding for imo.

I think Bob should still go to the wedding.

StCharlotte · 09/05/2019 11:25

Engagement parties are meaningless vanity occasions and should be actively discouraged (so many toasters given, so few subsequent wedding...).

Bob goes with you Tina.

underneaththeash · 09/05/2019 11:25

There’s plenty of time. I don’t think I gave final numbers to the venue until 6 weeks before.

PCohle · 09/05/2019 11:25

I'd be really hacked off if I were Jane. Bob's made a commitment, he can't just change his mind because he's had a better offer.

She's shown you kindness and good manners by inviting Bob, it would be really rude to repay that by putting her to the expense and hassle of a late cancellation.

If Bob's presence is so unbelievably important to his nephew then the nephew should have checked Bob's availability first.

Original poster
PepperAndCheese · 09/05/2019 11:26

Jane doesn't answer phone calls, shes a WhatsApp kind of girl and works nights a lot.

Engagement parties are meaningless vanity occasions and should be actively discouraged (so many toasters given, so few subsequent wedding I actually agree with this which is why I am concerned.

Could I.......lie?! Make up a better excuse for Bob?

OP posts:
compolovesnorah · 09/05/2019 11:26

I don't know OP but this did make me laugh...

Also, Tina has just realised that this thread is so obviously posted by Tina and will no longer speak in the third person.

Sorry, no help I know.

churchthecat · 09/05/2019 11:27

I wouldn't give any reason why unless she asks.

If she does ask just say that his close family member is visiting from Australia and he only has a short window to see him.

PCohle · 09/05/2019 11:27

Why do you want to lie to your friend rather than just telling your partner he's being an arse and needs to stand by his commitments?

ShinyShoe · 09/05/2019 11:28

In this situation, I’d go to the wedding and tell bob to go to the party. It his niece so he will know lots of people there and you know work colleagues. Couples don’t always have to do everything together!! Tell Jane today though so she’s got time to invite somebody else or cancel his meal. Catering numbers aren’t normally finalised until a couple of weeks before so you’ve got time and it shouldn’t cost her. Keep the message brief. “Hi Jane. Sadly my husband can no longer attend your wedding with me. I shall be coming alone. He has to attend an event for his nephew” then wait and see what she sends back. Do not offer to pay at this stage. Do not offer too much info. Brief at this stage.

livefornaps · 09/05/2019 11:28

When is the wedding???

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/05/2019 11:29

Is there a better excuse?

Just tell her what has happened.

Stop double thinking it!

Bringbackthestripes · 09/05/2019 11:29

You have sent an RSVP to say Bob will be coming. Rude to drop out for a lesser event he has been invited to after confirming.

Yes, I would be pissed off.

Original poster
PepperAndCheese · 09/05/2019 11:29

The wedding is on 6th July !!

OP posts:
Darkstar4855 · 09/05/2019 11:29

I agree it’s rude to cancel when you have already RSVP’d but Jane may have other people she wants to invite and if it is you rather than Bob who is her friend then I think it is reasonable for Bob not to go.

I would offer to cover his food and - assuming this is declined - be very generous with my gift by way of an apology.

bamboofibre · 09/05/2019 11:30

Bob is a total knob to cancel out on the wedding. He already committed to go to that first and it's totally rude to bail on that for what he considers a better offer. Also engagement parties are utter wank.

MatildaTheCat · 09/05/2019 11:30

No, don’t lie, tell her the truth very apologetically. Would you prefer to take another plus one? Or just offer to pay for his place? ( I’m old so uncomfortable with this, how do you even know the cost?)

In my world, as the bride, I would simply invite someone else who was sensible enough not to throw a strop that they’d been invited due to a cancellation.

Truth is that cancellations and no shows are a part of every event. Be straight with Jane and don’t let it become a drama.

purplecorkheart · 09/05/2019 11:30

How long is there to the Wedding? Jane may not have given the hotel her final numbers yet.

Hi Jane, I am very sorry but Tina's Partner will be unable to attend your Wedding due to unforseen circumstances. He is very sorry and wishes you both every happiness with your marriage.

I just thought that I would let you know in case you want to give his spot to someone else. Otherwise I am happy to invite a friend to accompany me to the wedding. I am so looking forward to it Tina

Alsohuman · 09/05/2019 11:31

Jane will have a reserve list as long as her arm. Just tell her now so she can fill the place with someone who actually wants to be there.