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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if this would piss you off? Wedding guest related

186 replies

PepperAndCheese · 09/05/2019 11:04

Jane and Tina met through work about 4 years ago. Jane left the place where Tina works about 2 years but have remained in contact, mainly via social media and the odd meet up/film and takeaway night at Jane's house with other former colleagues.

Jane is getting married at the very beginning of July and invited Tina along with Tina's partner (who Jane has only met once briefly) and a few of the ex work colleagues.

Tina RSVP'd back in February to say her and her partner would be attending the wedding, they have been invited to the ceremony, meal and evening party. It is a 4 hour drive away as Jane is marrying in her home town down south.

Yesterday Tina's partners nephew (who he is very close to) got engaged whilst holidaying in Australia. Tina's partner, Bob is like a father figure to his nephew, especially as nephew has fallen out with his own father for the last 12 months (abusive father).

Their engagement party is on the same day as Jane's wedding and Bob really wants to go.

Jane paid a lot of money per head for the reception and Tina is very worried that Jane will be hacked off. Also, Tina has just realised that this thread is so obviously posted by Tina and will no longer speak in the third person.

So Mumsnet, what do I do? Do I make "Bob" come to the wedding and keep the peace, or risk pissing Jane off who is good friends with my manager and risk people talking about me! I would be willing to pay the £105 that the meal cost for Bob.

OP posts:
RosaWaiting · 09/05/2019 11:32

FFS WhatsApp then and say "I would have phoned but didn't want to disturb you, happy to chat on phone whenever"

you are loving the drama here aren't you.

CIT80 · 09/05/2019 11:32

It may not just be the meal - in our friendship group the best man has always spent the night before with the groom and the morning getting ready so yes you will be spending a lot of time on your own during the day.
I would say either don’t go and let him enjoy the day, suck it up and think it’s just one day and you will manage, or can you take someone with you who can have the baby at the hotel while you and your husband enjoy the wedding ?

GetOnWithLife · 09/05/2019 11:32

Find another Bob! If she’s only met him once briefly she might not even notice.

Original poster
PepperAndCheese · 09/05/2019 11:33

I think he is going to have to not attend the engagement party. An engagement party just isn't enough reason. It looks like he has had a better offer (tbh he doesn't really want to go to either but would prefer to celebrate with nephew).

OP posts:
MountPheasant · 09/05/2019 11:33

Have you asked the nephew if he can move it? Mentioned have you have a wedding?

Weddings are defo priority over engagement parties imo, agree they are a pointless venture!

Prometheus · 09/05/2019 11:34

Engagement party nowhere near as important as a wedding. The first commitment has to be respected.

CIT80 · 09/05/2019 11:34

Sorry wrong thread Grin

Mehaveit · 09/05/2019 11:35

Seriously weddings trump engagement parties.

Orlandointhewilderness · 09/05/2019 11:35

wedding trumps engagement party every time.

Original poster
PepperAndCheese · 09/05/2019 11:35

Find another Bob! If she’s only met him once briefly she might not even notice

Amazing

you are loving the drama here aren't you huh?

I would say either don’t go and let him enjoy the day, suck it up and think it’s just one day and you will manage, or can you take someone with you who can have the baby at the hotel while you and your husband enjoy the wedding what baby? lol

OP posts:
Orlandointhewilderness · 09/05/2019 11:35

oh cross post there!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/05/2019 11:36

You're massively overthinking/overcomplicating this. If Tina has only ever met Bob once a few years ago, she probably really won't care if he's at her wedding or not. She only invited him as your partner.

You go to the wedding; Bob goes to Nephew's engagement party. Can't see what the big issue is.

Give her plenty of notice and she'll be able to invite someone else to take his place or offer to cover the cost if she can't.

cdtaylornats · 09/05/2019 11:37

Bob goes to the party

Nephew - like a son to him
Jane - woman he met once through Tina

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/05/2019 11:39

Ye gods! What is it with the 'better offer' schtick?

Just tell her he has a family occasion to go to, sorry for the short notice!

Original poster
PepperAndCheese · 09/05/2019 11:40

I dont think for one moment that Jane will be sad Bob doesn't come. Its the financial aspect I am concerned about. I can't guarantee that she hasn't already confirmed numbers or that she has a reserve list.

I am going to mull it over today

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 09/05/2019 11:42

Send churchthecat's message, no need to explain why Bob can no longer come. No offence to Bob but he's just a +1 invited for your benefit, Jane will probably be pleased she can invite someone else if she wants, or get a refund on his place from you.

You go to wedding. Bob goes to party. You probably have a better time catching up with ex-colleagues without Bob sitting there as a spare wheel wondering who the hell Brenda from Accounts was in a job you left a few years ago that just had a baby etc etc. Everyone's happy.

ThelilacsofParis · 09/05/2019 11:43

Tina needs to let her friend know soonish.

Don’t leave it until the last week in June!

PCohle · 09/05/2019 11:43

She probably wouldn't have cared whether or not Bob could come... up until the point he replied saying that he could, at which point she started going to time and expense to include him in her wedding. He had his opportunity to politely decline, to do so now would be unbelievably rude.

Xiaoxiong · 09/05/2019 11:44

I think CIT80 meant to post that thing about minding the baby on the other active thread about the woman whose husband is best man at a wedding where she knows only the bride and groom, and she'll have a 4 month old by the time of the wedding.

flowery · 09/05/2019 11:44

I was bothered when someone’s plus one didn’t turn up to my wedding. But only because we weren’t told until the day!

It would literally not have occurred to me to be remotely upset or angry if someone had told me two months beforehand that their planned plus one could no longer come. Why would I care?! I’d probably just say do you want to bring someone else instead.

livefornaps · 09/05/2019 11:45

How long to go until the wedding?

Just tell her you'll stump up the cash.

To be honest, I'd much rather get the cash point when I am about to willingly bankrupt myself for one day, rather than watch "Bob" chomp down in 105 quid worth of grub with a face like a slapped arse 'cos he'd rather be somewhere else!

She's probably got loads of people she'd rather invite, "Bob" was to keep you company.

adultcat · 09/05/2019 11:46

Can Bob not go to the day part of the wedding and then leave to go to the engagement party in the evening?

Xiaoxiong · 09/05/2019 11:46

PCohle I disagree. As long as the OP lets Jane know as early as possible so that Jane can invite someone else AND offers to reimburse any costs I don't think it's rude. Life happens, plans change, Jane will roll with it as long as she isn't out of pocket or told the night before when it's too late.

karala · 09/05/2019 11:47

Bob goes to the wedding

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/05/2019 11:48

Honestly OP let him go the engagement party- if he wants to go and he doesnt usually go out it must be important to him.

Hi Jane,

Really sorry for the short notice but Bob wont be able to attend your wedding with me after all (family commitment on his side). I do hope this doesnt cause you any problems. I though am still very much looking forward to your big day"

T x