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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if this would piss you off? Wedding guest related

186 replies

PepperAndCheese · 09/05/2019 11:04

Jane and Tina met through work about 4 years ago. Jane left the place where Tina works about 2 years but have remained in contact, mainly via social media and the odd meet up/film and takeaway night at Jane's house with other former colleagues.

Jane is getting married at the very beginning of July and invited Tina along with Tina's partner (who Jane has only met once briefly) and a few of the ex work colleagues.

Tina RSVP'd back in February to say her and her partner would be attending the wedding, they have been invited to the ceremony, meal and evening party. It is a 4 hour drive away as Jane is marrying in her home town down south.

Yesterday Tina's partners nephew (who he is very close to) got engaged whilst holidaying in Australia. Tina's partner, Bob is like a father figure to his nephew, especially as nephew has fallen out with his own father for the last 12 months (abusive father).

Their engagement party is on the same day as Jane's wedding and Bob really wants to go.

Jane paid a lot of money per head for the reception and Tina is very worried that Jane will be hacked off. Also, Tina has just realised that this thread is so obviously posted by Tina and will no longer speak in the third person.

So Mumsnet, what do I do? Do I make "Bob" come to the wedding and keep the peace, or risk pissing Jane off who is good friends with my manager and risk people talking about me! I would be willing to pay the £105 that the meal cost for Bob.

OP posts:
LL83 · 09/05/2019 14:35

Wedding numbers will not be confirmed to hotel till much nearer the time. Bride will not be out of pocket. She may be relieved if struggling for space.

I think as relative is so close to Bob engagement party is the priority.

Just let bride know asap.

Lizzie48 · 09/05/2019 14:36

Sorry, missed the update! I’m glad it’s sorted and Bob is coming to the wedding. That was the prior commitment.

PCohle · 09/05/2019 14:52

But that doesn't happen, does it, so it's pointless speculating about it. In the vast majority of cases, people treat wedding invitations on a different level to invitations to parties etc, and once they've said yes they don't pull out just because they don't happen to feel like it that day.

It does though. I was at a wedding last summer where the venue was almost awkwardly under filled because so many people had cancelled. The groom was really upset about it.

Bob isn't treating this wedding invitation as any more special than a party. And the problem isn't people pulling out on the day, it's people who think if they pull out a few weeks in advance it's totally fine.

TheNoodlesIncident · 09/05/2019 15:15

Glad you've come to a decision "Tina".

Bob can always take nephew out for a meal to celebrate his engagement, can't he? Be more personal for them than a big shindig, since Bob is more the retiring type than party animal.

( I can now only hear Blackadder saying "Bob", the funniest name ever imo)

BossAssBitch · 09/05/2019 15:40

Wedding trumps engagement party

similarminimer · 09/05/2019 16:22

I think Tina will be really pleased that Bob (who she doesn't know from Adam or we Bob) can't come as she will save £105 or invite someone else. Say that Bob has an important family gathering on that day, if numbers are already confirmed you will of course pay for the wasted meal. And Bob's his nephew's uncle.

Boulezvous · 09/05/2019 18:51

I'd prioritise the weddings not engagement parties.

EllenMP · 10/05/2019 12:36

I think Jane would be perfectly happy to not have to pay for Bob’s meal and won’t mind a bit that someone she barely knows won’t be there. You go to Jane’s wedding and Bob goes to nephew’s engagement party. I feel sure both couples will be perfectly fine with it.

EllenMP · 10/05/2019 12:37

Unless the wedding is this weekend Jane should be able to reduce her number by one without a financial loss.

TrumpetTrouser · 10/05/2019 17:48

I get married at the very start of June and have to confirm my numbers this week. Speak to Jane, explain the situation and just say you don’t know what to do about Bob. She might lead you to an answer.

If it was me I’d be happy saving the £100 on a plus one!

Lweji · 10/05/2019 17:49

OP, it looks like it's time for you to cash that infamous cheque. Wink

Lweji · 10/05/2019 17:51

Ups, I can't even use MN stock phrases anymore!

You should cancel it. Before Jane cashes it of course. Unless she has. Or Bob decided to attend...

FelicisNox · 10/05/2019 17:55

I agree with everyone else, just explain it to her.

Could you both go your events separately and take a plus one?

I'm sure she has a reserve list so just be honest.

Weegobshite · 10/05/2019 17:55

I haven't read the thread, I was just so excited to see your username!! You have pepper on cheese too? Can't eat cheese without pepper!!

Myyearmytime · 10/05/2019 17:55

I bet you any money you like.
Bob will say he going to engagement party .
But won't go in the end
As have you have said before Bob does not like going out .
And as Tina( you) went be their the make him . He won't go.

Jaxhog · 10/05/2019 17:56

Wedding v. engagement party? Easy. You go to the wedding.

If it was wedding v. wedding, that would be different.

Purplegecko · 10/05/2019 17:59

I'm of the opinion if you make a commitment you can't just cancel when a better offer comes along.

grumiosmum · 10/05/2019 18:03

I think it's fine to cancel Bob's place at the wedding - it's not for almost 2 months. They are very unlikely to have finalised numbers with the caterer, but if you are worried you could check with the bride.

I had someone cancel on the morning of my wedding, with a very poor excuse (she was 'too tired to travel'). I haven't spoken to her since. It was 20 years ago. Our wedding meal was £40 a head.

grumiosmum · 10/05/2019 18:05

Sorry, missed your update OP.

Well done, hope you all have a lovely time.

Iloveacurry · 10/05/2019 18:06

I think Bob should go to the wedding not the engagement party. You’ve both said yes and it’s rude to pull out. It is only a engagement party not the actual wedding.

manicinsomniac · 10/05/2019 18:06

Fair enough you've made the decision. I do think prior commitment first is usually the right thing to do. I don't know if I'd have done that on this occasion though as Bob is just a plus one.

Bride (sorry, I've forgotten her 'name'!) may well be delighted to hear that a plus one isn't coming. For many people, plus ones are wasted invites that could be used on people they know and would like to celebrate with. Wedding politics seem like a total nightmare. And if your only concern was financial, you could have just offered to pay. Then she isn't out of pocket whether she finds a guest or not.

manicinsomniac · 10/05/2019 18:06

Why would Jane be able to invite someone else? Having a "reserve" list of people to invite at the last minute, making it clear to them they weren't good enough to make the first cut, is also pretty rude in my book

I don't get this attitude at all. I've just got an upgrade from evening to day for a friend's wedding in August and I'm really excited. We've been hoping it will happen for ages. I get on really well with my friend but I'm not her close friend or family member and she could only ask 50 guests. There were partners of family members who had to be invited over friends because that's just the way it works. Two of them now can't come so me and another friend get the places. What's to be offended about?

FrancisCrawford · 10/05/2019 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janetforpresident · 10/05/2019 18:13

I am surprised at responses on here. If you are offering to pay what's the big deal? Poor Bob is having to miss his close family member's event to go to the wedding of a woman he has met once. He should at least speak to his nephew and see if they can rearrange the party. If I were you op I would explain that Bob can't make it and suggest another plus one or you pay. I wouldn't think twice with eight weeks to go. She may well be able to reduce the numbers by one without the venue minding and you will be saving her £105 (that could be your present Grin)

NunoGoncalves · 10/05/2019 18:22

I dont think for one moment that Jane will be sad Bob doesn't come. Its the financial aspect I am concerned about

But you're going to offer to pay to cover his place. So the finance thing isn't an issue.

So then... what is the issue?