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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if this would piss you off? Wedding guest related

186 replies

PepperAndCheese · 09/05/2019 11:04

Jane and Tina met through work about 4 years ago. Jane left the place where Tina works about 2 years but have remained in contact, mainly via social media and the odd meet up/film and takeaway night at Jane's house with other former colleagues.

Jane is getting married at the very beginning of July and invited Tina along with Tina's partner (who Jane has only met once briefly) and a few of the ex work colleagues.

Tina RSVP'd back in February to say her and her partner would be attending the wedding, they have been invited to the ceremony, meal and evening party. It is a 4 hour drive away as Jane is marrying in her home town down south.

Yesterday Tina's partners nephew (who he is very close to) got engaged whilst holidaying in Australia. Tina's partner, Bob is like a father figure to his nephew, especially as nephew has fallen out with his own father for the last 12 months (abusive father).

Their engagement party is on the same day as Jane's wedding and Bob really wants to go.

Jane paid a lot of money per head for the reception and Tina is very worried that Jane will be hacked off. Also, Tina has just realised that this thread is so obviously posted by Tina and will no longer speak in the third person.

So Mumsnet, what do I do? Do I make "Bob" come to the wedding and keep the peace, or risk pissing Jane off who is good friends with my manager and risk people talking about me! I would be willing to pay the £105 that the meal cost for Bob.

OP posts:
anyoldvic · 09/05/2019 12:25

I agree that good manners dictate that you don't pull out of attending an event because you've had a better offer.

Bob should go to the wedding, and if nephew cares about Bob celebrating his engagement, he should reschedule his party, or arrange a separate mini-party with Bob & Tina.

ByeClaire · 09/05/2019 12:40

He should go. He made a commitment.

She might not have paid already but don’t give her the stress of having to organise his cancellation, however minimal.

Also, this reserve list excuse bollocks - if she was courteous enough to invite you with a plus one, she surely would want to give someone else that option too wouldn’t she? Odd to invite someone on their own unless they know others that are going, in which case they’ll soon work out they were a late invite.

StCharlotte · 09/05/2019 12:48

Guests seem to have this ‘well it won’t matter if I drop out’ opinion but don’t realise they’re not the only ones doing it!! Yes, ask any lower team sports captain how many games are called off because somethone thinks they're the only one crying off... (voice of bitter experience).

Anyway OP, I think you should give Bob some options:

(a) "Bob, just do what you think is right." The more exasperated you can sound the better.

(I've actually done this before - it was quite funny to see the person concerned squirm!)

and then if/when Bob decides wrongly that going to the engagement party is "right", you follow up with:

(b) "That's fine Bob. I'm just getting Jane on the phone for you now so you can tell her yourself."

Damntheman · 09/05/2019 12:53

oooh StCharlotte I like your style :D

I think pulling out on an event you confirmed you'd attend because something better came up is incredibly rude. Not to mention he's essentially abandoning you with a 4 hour drive each direction alone when you'd planned a nice couple time.

Lochroy · 09/05/2019 12:55
  1. don't lie or make up a yarn, it will come back and bite you on the bum
  2. Bob needs to be prepared to go to the wedding having previously accepted the invitation
  3. Nephew should have checked the date regardless of homebird status
  4. Be open with Jane, she might not be fussed and at this stage probably hasn't confirmed final numbers nor the seating plan and may be happy to save the money. If not Bob has to go to the wedding.
AhhhHereItGoes · 09/05/2019 12:56

Do people seriously celebrate engagements of other people?

Fuck me, I missed a trick!

Gth1234 · 09/05/2019 12:58

It's bad form to turn down an invite when something better comes along. I also think a wedding is more important than an engagement (engagement parties, who knew?)

Bob can surely make separate arrangements to see the engaged couple, take them out for a meal, and so on.

Rachelle11 · 09/05/2019 12:58

Bob sounds like a dud to me. Either he's not really a father figure to his nephew given they never even checked he was available, or he knew and was fine screwing you over. The fact you even considered he might have requested the date to get out of the wedding is just depressing.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/05/2019 13:01

Pay for his place and apologise profusely
It’s a no brainer nephew son trumps wedding but frame more tactfully !!

Blondequeenie · 09/05/2019 13:02

When I got married last year, we had a back-up list of everyone we could not invite so when someone dropped out (it happened a lot) we would ask someone from our list if they wanted to come. Most people were fine with that as we tried to put invites out a bit early incase this happened. We had spare invites and just sent out out to people and no one was none the wiser. It really depends when the wedding is.

I do think wedding trumps engagement party though but it also depends on how close Jane and Tina are.

InfiniteCurve · 09/05/2019 13:04

This is Bob's problem.He's a grown man,he needs to decide which thing he is doing and then contact Jane/his nephew to tell them.

The problem us that it is entirely possible that OP will get the fallout either way,which isn't very fair...
Then I'm wanting to say he should go to the wedding,which is what I do think!

IHaveNoIdeaReally · 09/05/2019 13:07

Wedding you already RSVP'd to trumps a mere engagement party. Bob shouldn't be considering pulling out over that, it's very rude, especially if it might reflect badly on you at work.

Original poster
PepperAndCheese · 09/05/2019 13:19

I have spoken to Bob and he is coming to the wedding. Far less hassle!

OP posts:
Russell19 · 09/05/2019 13:20

I've got it!! Bob goes to both! Surely the engagement party is in the evening? He can leave the wedding about 8pm?

Or am I missing something?

Original poster
PepperAndCheese · 09/05/2019 13:23

@Russell19 wedding 4 hours away lol

OP posts:
Russell19 · 09/05/2019 13:27

Ahhhh ignore me then! 🤣

diddl · 09/05/2019 13:28

If Bob never goes out-will he even go the the engagement party?

Is there someone that you could take instead?

diddl · 09/05/2019 13:30

Sorry-just seen update.

I think that that's the best.

Perhaps if closer as could have done both, but not possible.

It's all very early, isn't it?

I don't think that we sent invitations out until 6wks before!

Acis · 09/05/2019 13:43

I dont think for one moment that Jane will be sad Bob doesn't come. Its the financial aspect I am concerned about.

But the financial aspect is covered if you pay. I don't understand what the problem is.

PCohle · 09/05/2019 13:46

Because what if half the people who have been given plus ones think it doesn't really matter if their partner doesn't come?

It's not just the cost of the meals, it's a bigger venue, more staff etc that the bride is paying for unnecessarily. Plus how shit and upsetting it would be to have lots of empty tables because your "friends" messed you around.

Lweji · 09/05/2019 13:59

Good.

But... anyone else picturing this when they read Bob?

Nancydrawn · 09/05/2019 14:11

I realize Bob has resolved it, but eight weeks out is more than enough time to cancel, vis a vis payments.

I think we sent our caterers the rough head count at 6 weeks and the final head count at 3 weeks. If someone had told me 8 weeks out, I could have very simply not ordered or paid for their meal.

Macandcheese05 · 09/05/2019 14:27

Do I make "Bob" come to the wedding and keep the peace, or risk pissing Jane off who is good friends with my manager and risk people talking about me! I would be willing to pay the £105 that the meal cost for Bob.

You appear to worry about getting in trouble at work or people talking about you. I would be more concerned that I would upset Jane and lose her friendship.

I have been in a similar situation with a christening, and I went to the one i RSVPd to first. its unfortunate but commitments were made.

However I dont think she would care if Bob was there or not as shes only met him once so maybe just be honest with her and offer to pay for his place (she probably wouldnt accept the money and will just seat fill it as theres still time).

Lizzie48 · 09/05/2019 14:33

I wouldn’t have been fussed about this. The husband of one of my closest friends had to pull out because he couldn’t get time off work (they live in France). So my friend asked if she’d could bring her parents instead, at the last minute? I didn’t make an issue of it, as she and I go way back and her 6 year old DS was a pageboy.

You would be giving your friend plenty of notice, so I personally don’t see why it would upset her if you went on your own under the circumstances. She may well have a reserve list, like I did because numbers were tight. You should offer to pay the cost of his place, though, I think.

Acis · 09/05/2019 14:34

Because what if half the people who have been given plus ones think it doesn't really matter if their partner doesn't come?

But that doesn't happen, does it, so it's pointless speculating about it. In the vast majority of cases, people treat wedding invitations on a different level to invitations to parties etc, and once they've said yes they don't pull out just because they don't happen to feel like it that day.