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Original poster

To be the tiniest bit peeved about DD going to prom?

173 replies

Lifeandbeans · 09/05/2019 09:31

I know I am really but...

Dd has Sen and is not the best person socially. Big parties are her idea of hell and she doesn't mix much with others.
I did however offer her the chance of going to prom as it's a special time and she was absolutely set against it. Especially as it lands on an evening when she would be at an activity which she loves and won't miss for anything.

We arranged to use the money to do something nice with her instead and my Mum has booked her something.

I've been asking her for the last year and still been getting no. As the date started drawing closer I even said that due to the costs involved and the fact I'm a single Mum that if she was still saying no she couldn't just spring on me that she wanted to go last minute.
Still absolutely set on not going.
She hasn't even ordered the leavers hoodie as she just wanted to leave.

Yesterday she was having a chat with her (amazing ) support teacher about prom. She made it clear she wasn't going and the teacher has persuaded her to go!
So basically I've now got three weeks and one pay day now to try and book appointments for hair and nails and make up when most places are booked up already and find a dress and shoes and everything she needs plus the cost of the ticket etc for to sit uncomfortably for the evening because she won't dance or anything like that. She will most likely sit with her teacher.

I love the teacher but I'm a bit peeved if I'm honest that DD has been saying no for 12 months. That she was told to decide when the info came out and that she couldn't go back on it a couple of weeks before but that is exactly what has happened.
And I don't want to tell her no because all I'm going to have for the rest of my life is that I wouldn't let her go to prom!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 09/05/2019 09:37

Well you did tell her that she can't change her mind a few weeks beforehand so you could stick with that

Have you asked her why she wants to go now when she didn't before? It might just be a whim and if she was talked into it then you can probably talk her out of it

Coldilox · 09/05/2019 09:40

Why does she need appointments for hair and make up and nails? These can surely be done at home?

Thegardenismine · 09/05/2019 09:41

I'm probably going to be in the minority here but I would say she can't go.
Explain the money situation to her and reiterate the chances she had to say yes to going.
You and her gran have made plans for her which are now thrown aside because of a five min conversation with her teacher. In my mind that's not good enough.
I'd also be having a little chat with the teacher, were they aware that she had other plans and had been refusing to go for so long ?

Gatehouse77 · 09/05/2019 09:43

If it were me I'd either stick to my guns and explain she had many chances to go but it's now too late given all the other arrangements that have been made or suck it up.

All you need to provide is what she wants to wear - you don't need to get swept along with the perception of what's done. None of my girls' friends have spent money on anything other than the outfit. We give ours a £100 limit - anything above that comes out of their money.

IceRebel · 09/05/2019 09:44

It's not a case of you not letting her go, it's more a case of her being talked into something she has consistently said she doesn't want.

I would tend to think her continued answer of no; when asked, is more reflective of her actual desires.

jameswong · 09/05/2019 09:47

Where will you all be 300 years from now? (An easy Buddhist koan anyone can use).

Let her go and forget about it when it's done. Life's too short.

CherryPavlova · 09/05/2019 09:47

She doesn’t need a huge fuss for what is basically a school disco.

I’d be tempted to hold firm with her original decision that she didn’t want to go. She will probably hate it and be left with unhappy memories. I assume the support person won’t be with her for the evening?

If she goes she doesn’t need hair, makeup and nail appointments. Mine never had them and looked beautiful regardless. Probably better because they didn’t get sprayed orange and trussed like a turkey.

Do the school have a few dresses for pupils who can’t afford them? My eldest school did. Or borrow one from one of last years who are now in sixth form? Otherwise charity shops sometimes have lovely evening wear. Shoes don’t matter and won’t show anyway. Can she wear a pair of yours? Any cousins or friends who can help you out?

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 09/05/2019 09:49

An appointment for hair, make up and nails? Fuck me I didn't even have that for my wedding.

You told her she couldn't change her mind so stick with it op.

desparate4sleep · 09/05/2019 09:50

My guess is that she will change
her mind last minute and not go. She doesn't need hair, make up and nails. If there is a fee to attend I would ask school if they can waive it due to teacher persuading her and her Sen. I would let her go though.

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 09/05/2019 09:51

jameswong I am a huge fan of a mantra that reminds me that in x years time this will just be a memory but am not sure how this will solve the OPs immediate financial situation.

NCforthis2019 · 09/05/2019 09:52

Wtf - why does she need her hair nails etc done? Good God - isn’t a prom just a jumped up disco?

IAmTheChosenOne · 09/05/2019 09:52

The SEN department at our school has funds for things like this. Ask, and someone somewhere will pull it out of the bag for you. I tend to find schools are superb when there is a real case of need. Phone them.

flitwit99 · 09/05/2019 09:53

Tell her she can go but you can only afford to spend £xyz. She will need to decide if she wants an expensive dress and hair done at home or the other way round.

My ds was terribly bullied in school but at the last minute decided he wanted to go to his prom. He had a few wobbles in the days leading up to it and he only stayed for an hour but it mattered to him that he went. God knows why, he was so miserable there. But good for him, I was proud of him.

AuntieMarys · 09/05/2019 09:54

I hate the ridiculous expectations that mean GIRLS have to spend shed loads of money on a bloody disco.

RedHelenB · 09/05/2019 09:54

It's a prom. Of course she goes. Get to Quiz and you'll find something affordable ( both my dds dresses were about £20)

If you go to make up stands in a department store you get the makeover for 30 quid or whatever but you get products for that amount.

FromDespairToHere · 09/05/2019 09:56

My DD, who has ASD and doesn't socialise, suddenly decided she wanted to go to her prom. Her dress was £40 off Ebay and she wore the one pair of nice shoes that she owned at the time. I did her nails, I helped her with her hair and she did her own makeup. She got lifts there and back. It doesn't need to be expensive!

FromDespairToHere · 09/05/2019 09:56

Oh and she nearly backed out on the day because of her social anxiety but she went and she had an amazing time!

DesparateDino · 09/05/2019 09:57

She doesn't need her hair and nails done, I curled my dd's hair and she had some fake nails from Primark which looked lovely.

Go into Quiz they have some lovely dresses.

I think your dd will regret it if she doesn't go.

llangennith · 09/05/2019 09:57

Let her go. Encourage her. It's a one-off. Though like PPs I really can't see the need for a hairdresser and nail appointment.

We're talking 11 year olds here right?

Gingersstuff · 09/05/2019 09:57

My daughter went to prom in a £30 dress and did her own makeup, nails and hair. She looked beautiful. And had a better time than the girl who’d spent £800 on a dress with a full blown train, all day in the salon, and spent her evening shrieking at everyone to keep away from her lest they spill anything anywhere near her.
It doesn’t have to cost much. Let her go, teens are famous for changing their minds. Dramatically, and often.

Original poster
Lifeandbeans · 09/05/2019 09:57

'Coldilox

Why does she need appointments for hair and make up and nails? These can surely be done at home?'

I can't do hair and I don't wear make up. I grew up with all boys and competed in martial arts so make up and hair wasn't even on my radar and I'm rubbish at it.
Teen can't do make up either.

Interesting to see so many would say no. That was my first thought to be honest but I thought I would look like a monster and look awful to the teacher. Especially as she might stay there for 6th form.

Basically she adores her Senco. Her Senco is amazing and goes above and beyond for her. She spent some time with her yesterday out of lesson and basically from what I can gather during a conversation about if she was looking forward to prom has told her she should come and they've discussed how DD doesn't like dresses and told her what else she could wear. DD has had a tough year at school due to her sen and the Senco has really pulled her through it.

School wouldn't have known the other arrangements. She's just been saying she wasn't coming.

I've looked at the photos from last year and all of the girls pictured had ball gown style dresses and hair and nails done. Many had cars but that isn't happening!

OP posts:
HappydaysArehere · 09/05/2019 09:57

Agree with above. Just a disco Americanised by films etc. Not something to make a financial crisis out of especially as she is likely to change her mind at the last moment.

IceRebel · 09/05/2019 09:58

We're talking 11 year olds here right?

Surely we're talking about 16 year olds, leaving year 11?

SpaSushi · 09/05/2019 09:58

I second ebay or quiz for a dress

Nails and makeup and hair at home.

She may hate it, but i think i would let her go if you can. She can always come home early

UnicornDust9 · 09/05/2019 09:59

I’d let her go. It’s prom. It will only happen once.

Yes she said she didn’t want to go but now she does. Just explain that you won’t be able to afford all the added extras.

Can you paint her nails yourself ?
Any friends that’s good with hair ?

Just try and find someone to do her make up if she likes to wear it or do you have any friends that could help?

I’m pretty good with nails and make up and if someone asked me to help there daughter I wouldn’t have any problems helping out.