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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be the tiniest bit peeved about DD going to prom?

173 replies

Lifeandbeans · 09/05/2019 09:31

I know I am really but...

Dd has Sen and is not the best person socially. Big parties are her idea of hell and she doesn't mix much with others.
I did however offer her the chance of going to prom as it's a special time and she was absolutely set against it. Especially as it lands on an evening when she would be at an activity which she loves and won't miss for anything.

We arranged to use the money to do something nice with her instead and my Mum has booked her something.

I've been asking her for the last year and still been getting no. As the date started drawing closer I even said that due to the costs involved and the fact I'm a single Mum that if she was still saying no she couldn't just spring on me that she wanted to go last minute.
Still absolutely set on not going.
She hasn't even ordered the leavers hoodie as she just wanted to leave.

Yesterday she was having a chat with her (amazing ) support teacher about prom. She made it clear she wasn't going and the teacher has persuaded her to go!
So basically I've now got three weeks and one pay day now to try and book appointments for hair and nails and make up when most places are booked up already and find a dress and shoes and everything she needs plus the cost of the ticket etc for to sit uncomfortably for the evening because she won't dance or anything like that. She will most likely sit with her teacher.

I love the teacher but I'm a bit peeved if I'm honest that DD has been saying no for 12 months. That she was told to decide when the info came out and that she couldn't go back on it a couple of weeks before but that is exactly what has happened.
And I don't want to tell her no because all I'm going to have for the rest of my life is that I wouldn't let her go to prom!

OP posts:

Springwalk · 09/05/2019 09:59

Difficult one. I wonder why the teacher felt she needed to influence your dd either way.

The prom will have an air of finality about it, that may be good for your dd and she may enjoy it more than either of you imagine. Will she have friends there to dance with/enjoy it with?

If she doesn't have good friends that are going, and I knew for sure she would be sitting on her own with the teacher I would probably stick to my guns and the original plan.

If she has been pressured into going, to my mind, that is the wrong reason for her to know want to attend. These things can be awful and horribly damaging if they go wrong, it will be her last memory of the experience there.

Does she have other friends in a similar position? Perhaps you could organise an alternative to the prom?

VioletCharlotte · 09/05/2019 09:59

I know quite a few teens who changed their mind at the last minute and went to their prom. I think anxiety and nerves puts them off, but when it comes to it, they see how excited everyone else is and decide they don't want to kids out. My friends DS decided he was going two days before the prom!

At the end of the day, it's a one off event that they'll never get the chance to repeat. My DS both had a brilliant time. I would let her go and help make it special for her. You really don't need to spend a fortune in hair, nails, etc. Some of the girls in DS year did, but just as many did their own.

Original poster

Lifeandbeans · 09/05/2019 10:00

'We're talking 11 year olds here right?'

No she's 16. Leaving year 11.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 09/05/2019 10:00

She is what 16-18 with additional needs and changed her mind 't let her go to her prom Quiz(as suggested) have dresses in you don't need to be faffing about hairdressers and make up do it at home ask a friend to help and let the kid go with her classmates

SpaSushi · 09/05/2019 10:01

Just seen your update about makeup and hair. Ask everyone you know ( even the senco!). Can they help with doing makeup and hair. Someone somewhere will

IHaveBrilloHair · 09/05/2019 10:01

I've a feeling my 17yr old us going to do this too.
I've told her in no uncertain terms that she can go, but if it's last minute there'll be no new dress.
I can't come up with money just like that.
She's great at make up so can do her own and hates anyone touching her hair so they aren't issues.

Becca19962014 · 09/05/2019 10:01

But does she actually want to go or did she just agree because of the teacher?

I don't have SEN but have PTSD and I had a similar for the leaving prom at uni. I had so much pressure put on me by everyone I said I'd go. In the end I couldn't cope with it and pulled out - was horrendous.

I know she's obviously a lot younger, but the pressure to go, "be normal, you'll regret it etc" can be overwheaming.

IHopeYouUnderstandWeArePuppets · 09/05/2019 10:02

Does she really want to go? Or is she just doing it to please the teacher?

If she does genuinely want to go, I would set out a budget and stick to it, reminding her that you said she couldn’t just turn around and go last minute as money would be tight. If you can afford one appointment, get DD to prioritise what she’d like done out of hair, nails etc.

I would also speak to the teacher and make her aware that while you are pleased DD is going to prom, it has put you in a difficult position financially. The teacher probably didn’t consider this, but for future pupils it would be best for her to be mindful of possible financial constraints.

Springwalk · 09/05/2019 10:04

It all depends on whether she has friends she can be with that will be there or not?

That is the dealbreaker. The last thing you want is for her to be sitting on her own watching every one else have fun.

samlovesdilys · 09/05/2019 10:04

I would go and talk to senco, if they persuaded her then they can pay for ticket at least...dresses I would look on eBay for 2nd hand or again ask school (we have a rail of old prom dresses for just such situations). Honestly I go to prom every year and you don't need hair/nail/makeup appts, watch YouTube and do something she is comfortable in. The evening is about having fun. Nothing worse than girls in tight dresses and high shoes who can't move!!

diddl · 09/05/2019 10:04

I'd be tempted to give a flat no as that is what you have said many times-but if you decide yes, then it's sans hair & nails!

Surely you can do nails & looks online for ideas for hair & how to do it?

If not-is there a local college with students doing beauty courses?

Abbazed · 09/05/2019 10:05

A local fe college can do make up and hair for next to nothing.

Fcukthisshit · 09/05/2019 10:05

Just do the best you can with the time and money available and let her go enjoy herself!

BigChocFrenzy · 09/05/2019 10:06

Explain to her why she can't go now - too late for finances
Should be OK if she is so easily persuadable, but didn't want to go before

and tell her teacher to either butt out, or to foot all the bills for it
Bloody infuriating how eager some more privileged people are, to spend other people's money.

Springwalk · 09/05/2019 10:08

You could buy the dress, a nice cheap one, keep the receipt. Organise a make up appointment if you must, anyone can paint nails (and cancel at the last minute if you have to) and arrange a lift for her. This can be your plan A, and if she pulls out, no harm done. You can just take her to her activity as usual as plan B, without the added extras so that you can cover the cost of the ticket.

I would not be loading this with stress op. Keep this very relaxed.

Give her a free option of the prom right up until the last minute, and if she pulls out don't say a word, just bright and breezy. Activity it is then! And off you go. That way you have made it all possible without the expense.

Abbazed · 09/05/2019 10:08

Make up at college about ten pounds 20 for hair

Theworldisfullofgs · 09/05/2019 10:08

I did my dd's hair from a video on YouTube.
Could you borrow a dress? I'm sure my dd would be happy to lend hers - classic black though not blingy.

bumblingbovine49 · 09/05/2019 10:10

I do sympathise. This is DS allover (ASD, ADHD). He will often change his mind about something he has been adamant about at the last moment. It is truly exasperating, think .'I will not dress up,I will not dress up', then the day before' I want a costume'

Sometimes I say 'it is too late now' and he gets upset but if this was DS, I would try really really hard to make the prom happen as I think it is something that would do him good ( I know he would refuse to go but if he then changed his mind I mean)

I try to encourage DS to step out of his comfort zone when he can and when I have reasonable hope that it will be a success . So in this scenario I would help him, all the time knowing that he might actually refuse to go again at the last minute !!

Original poster

Lifeandbeans · 09/05/2019 10:10

Ok nails I can paint but hers are all bitten. Primark nails I can do!
Will have a look at Quiz thank you!
I've got some shoes I could probably use. She cannot wear heals anyway.

She never wears make up. I'm tempted to send her with no make up and she has said she will just straighten her hair but she feels awkward enough normally and I don't want her to feel more awkward because everyone else has gone to the effort.

Regarding whether she's just doing it to please her Senco. She loves her Senco and would do pretty much anything she asked or told her.
Once she's stuck on the idea that she now wants to go because Senco thinks it's a good idea that will be it.

OP posts:

Oakmaiden · 09/05/2019 10:11

It doesn't have to cost fortune. So I suppose it is a question of whether you can afford anything at all at such short notice.

That said -- the less you spend the less of a big deal it will be if she changes her mind again.

I second trying to borrow a dress - or would she prefer to wear a suit? I know some girls at my daughter's school are planning on wearing suits rather than dresses...

Oakmaiden · 09/05/2019 10:14

As an aside - my son has ASD and ADHD and struggled hugely at school - academically and socially. He did go to prom and had an amazing time (I was sat at home sick with worry that it would all go horribly wrong). Even people who had been ghastly to him all the way through school were nice on that evening, and draped their arms around him and had photos taken.

He did turn up wearing a Fez though...

emotionalaffair · 09/05/2019 10:14

If she wants to go then you should let her go. You don't need to spend a fortune on hair etc.

SoupDragon · 09/05/2019 10:14

I would move heaven and earth to get my DD to prom in similar circumstances.

I agree - ask around about hair and make up. Does she have any friends who are good at that sort of thing? Or their mothers (or fathers!). Do you have any friends who could make a better job of it than you?

IceRebel · 09/05/2019 10:14

would do pretty much anything she asked or told her.

So she'll be missing an activity she loves, just to please someone else?

In which case I would be going into school and having a word with the Senco, she's using her relationship with your daughter to influence her decisions.

Mrsjayy · 09/05/2019 10:15

Can she get a slide/clasp for her hair this is what 1 of my dds did just had her hair swept up at the side was a tattastic jewelled one from primark

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