Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be the tiniest bit peeved about DD going to prom?

173 replies

Lifeandbeans · 09/05/2019 09:31

I know I am really but...

Dd has Sen and is not the best person socially. Big parties are her idea of hell and she doesn't mix much with others.
I did however offer her the chance of going to prom as it's a special time and she was absolutely set against it. Especially as it lands on an evening when she would be at an activity which she loves and won't miss for anything.

We arranged to use the money to do something nice with her instead and my Mum has booked her something.

I've been asking her for the last year and still been getting no. As the date started drawing closer I even said that due to the costs involved and the fact I'm a single Mum that if she was still saying no she couldn't just spring on me that she wanted to go last minute.
Still absolutely set on not going.
She hasn't even ordered the leavers hoodie as she just wanted to leave.

Yesterday she was having a chat with her (amazing ) support teacher about prom. She made it clear she wasn't going and the teacher has persuaded her to go!
So basically I've now got three weeks and one pay day now to try and book appointments for hair and nails and make up when most places are booked up already and find a dress and shoes and everything she needs plus the cost of the ticket etc for to sit uncomfortably for the evening because she won't dance or anything like that. She will most likely sit with her teacher.

I love the teacher but I'm a bit peeved if I'm honest that DD has been saying no for 12 months. That she was told to decide when the info came out and that she couldn't go back on it a couple of weeks before but that is exactly what has happened.
And I don't want to tell her no because all I'm going to have for the rest of my life is that I wouldn't let her go to prom!

OP posts:
TheInvestigator · 09/05/2019 10:15

What dress size is she? I've just been a bridesmaid and have the dress. Strapless purple floorlength gown with diamonte design across the tummy. It's a size 12. Happy to post it if you'd just post it back afterwards. If it's the right size, I can upload pics.

SoupDragon · 09/05/2019 10:16

I would arrange to be nearby all evening in case she suddenly wants to leave.

TheInvestigator · 09/05/2019 10:17

It's a size 10!! No idea why my phone changed 10 to 12!

TraceyLP · 09/05/2019 10:17

Hi OP,
It might be worth checking if the SENCO that your daughter is fond of will be at the prom. If they won't be there just make sure your daughter knows this so that she isn't disappointed.

I agree that you should try to find a pretty but bargain dress, then have a pamper party at home - just you and your daughter. You don't need to be good at make up to make it a special day - get some "special" fruity/sparkly shampoo, conditioner etc (choose from what's £1 at the supermarket), do her hair a little different to usual and keep makeup light and simple with a bit of tinted lipgloss, the slightest bit of a subtle colour but sparkly eyeshadow and mascara. She will look beautiful and natural. It doesn't matter that you haven't spent a lot - what matters is that your daughter feels important and special on the day and your time and attention will make her feel that way.

If you know anyone that she could meet up with to go together she will have a head start on feeling comfortable. Can you invite anyone to play shortly before the day to encourage their friendship?

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 09/05/2019 10:19

Have you chatted to your Dd about why she's changed her mind or why she thinks it will be different?

You can do prom on the cheap- dress via Ebay/TK Maxx/a resale site or clearance, shoes similar. Nails- buy a cheap new varnish & top coat and do it yourself. Is there a college near you with hair & beauty courses? Can you see if any students might help for a fee? If not, YouTube & Department store samples and demos are your friend. The add ons are where you'll spend money if she really wants them, so be strict on budget or say no.

I went to a huge ball on Fri. My dress was £30 down from £120 at HoF and I'd worn it before, I did my own nails, hair (with borrowed straighteners) and make-up- although a friend did my eyes. My jewellery, stole & bag were all loans and I wore my ballroom shoes and my own scent. The only extra spent was on taking my dress hem up, because I'm a short arse.

Mrsjayy · 09/05/2019 10:19

Oh I think some make up counters will do free make up if she wants it done just buy a lipstick or gloss

barryfromclareisfit · 09/05/2019 10:20

Support her going to the prom. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

I was a single mother. I know how difficult the money is. I used maintenance to pay school fees and there were so many things my dd could never have. Many times I’ve stretched myself further, financially, than was sensible (including the independent schooling). But I have never, ever regretted it. Every investment has been well worth it.

bigbadbadger · 09/05/2019 10:21

Who is she going with? Will she have the support of a friendship group on the night? Who will she arrive with?
Please think thru the social aspects with her.

tensmum1964 · 09/05/2019 10:21

I saw a page on FB of someone who loans/donates prom dresses for a variety of hardship reasons. Could you see if there is something like that local to you. Also if the senco is so good, why not have a private word with her and explain your predicament. She may be very understanding and have some suggestions and or give some support that might help.

Abbazed · 09/05/2019 10:23

Def ebay

TraceyLP · 09/05/2019 10:23

Hi OP,
just read further posts to see she is16 - I assumed end of primary but I think the same generally applies (but matured up to be appropriate to what teenagers like) x

Abbazed · 09/05/2019 10:24

Op what size is she I may have a dress

CarolDanvers · 09/05/2019 10:24

My daughter has autism. I know she would do this. It’s been a theme over the years; last minute mind changes causing me maximum stress. She says no as a reflex due to her anxiety but given time to think about it might change her mind. I’ve grown to expect that this is going to happen and prepare accordingly and never take her first few strenuous refusals as the definitive answer. I know it’s a pain but I would just suck it up and make it happen. Feel for you though.

Popcorntwice · 09/05/2019 10:25

You could watch a YouTube make up tutorial, there are loads on there, and then do her make up yourself on the night? Superdrug do MUA make up, which is super cheap and really good.

I second the suggestion of Primark false nails. 👍🏻

For a dress i would highly recommend checking out charity shops; I'm always seeing lovely dresses in our local shops, often brand new with tags on them.

ashvivienne · 09/05/2019 10:25

DD2s friend wore a gorgeous coord to prom some lovely cigarette trousers and a blazer style top from PLT and I think at most it was about £40/50.
For hair a bouncy blow dry would do which isn’t too expensive roughly £20 at most places I’ve been before and for nails try Facebook buy and sell to see if any techs are looking for models they’ll usually be free or very low cost to cover products used. I think most make up appointments are £25-£30 but definitely ask around with other parents and DDs friends to see if they’d be able to help with hair and make up.

Chanel05 · 09/05/2019 10:25

Definitely get a second hand dress if you decide to let her go - that is a fair compromise, you've been very clear all along that you just can't afford a new one last minute.

Regarding hair etc, could you search on facebook for a local hair and beauty group to you? I'm in one that covers several towns around me and has over 20,000 members, sometimes people asking for recommendations and sometimes professionals looking to gain more clients and doing services at a reduced cost. I bet you that if you posted on one like that explaining the situation you'd be able to easily sort hair, nails and/or make up very cheaply or someone would offer the service for free. If people offer mobile services too they are often cheaper and she will be able to have something done in the comfort of her own home.

Mrsjayy · 09/05/2019 10:26

Oh yes is she got a friend to go with ?

MinnieMolly12345 · 09/05/2019 10:27

If you are struggling with the cost of a dress, then this website might be of help:
www.promally.co.uk/

irregularegular · 09/05/2019 10:28

I think you need to have a chat with her and make sure this is what she really wants and hasn't been talked into something she is not really keen on. If she actually does want to go and you think she will have a good memories (even if she just sits and watches and doesn't dance, because that is what she is happiest with) then I would actually be really pleased that she has come round. It would be horrible for her to feel she has missed out and regret not going. You really don't have to spend much. My daughter did not have professional nails and hair done. She did have make-up done at a counter, but the cost was refunded if you bought make-up so it wasn't too bad (she paid for that herself). Dress was £80 Quiz from Debenhans - a very popular choice among her friends. I imagine you could get them second hard though obviously that will be harder. Borrowed earrings from me. Cant remember shoes but they were just a normal kind of price - nothing excessive.

MumUnderTheMoon · 09/05/2019 10:29

I think you should explain to the senco the position she has put you in. Tell her that you have asked your dd multiple times and the answer was no and that you had told her she couldn't spring it on you last minute. The senco has put you in a very awkward position.

Connieston · 09/05/2019 10:29

If she was ambivalent about going it doesn't sound like she's going to be mad for all the trimmings anyway, I agree with others keep it simple, it's only a few hours.

Primark spangly flats or sandals less than a tenner.

If she usually straightens her hair then that's that, plus maybe a spangly hair clip.

TK MAXX do lovely cheap prom/bridesmaid dresses or check out ebay.

I think she should go, even if she's not dolled up to the nines like others, and if that's a grumble then well, you've made the point that it's an unexpected cost at this point and she should have decided earlier.

It's great that she has a decent SENCO and so it will be a nice way to say goodbye.

irregularegular · 09/05/2019 10:30

But if you think she doesn't really want to go at all, then you need to work that out with her. And give her a great day doing something else.

If she goes to the prom can you and your mum get the money back on the something else you have booked?

Original poster
Lifeandbeans · 09/05/2019 10:31

'Who is she going with? Will she have the support of a friendship group on the night? '

Socially not really. The Senco will be there. She has a group she kind of hangs around with but it's a tough one.
For example recently they had to write a card to someone in school saying what they value about them.
DD sent hers to a teacher as she said she had no friends and they are all 'noisy and annoying'
A girl she hangs around with however sent her a card thanking her for being her best friend since day one and for being supportive. Blush

DD could possibly manage her own hair from YouTube.
I'm useless. I can't even do a French plait Blush

Make up counter is a good idea thanks!

OP posts:
TheLazyDuchess · 09/05/2019 10:33

I'd get her a ticket and a cheap but appropriate dress (that could be reworn to another occasion if she does get cold feet about prom), do everything else at home, and let her go.

ihatemyjobsomuch · 09/05/2019 10:36

Have you made it really clear to her if she goes she won’t get the other outing you arranged? As given that choice she may change her mind.

If she goes I’d start looking on eBay for prom dresses, quiz and even ASOS is good. If you’re going to struggle to pay it all this month could you order the dress from a catalogue and pay it off a bit at a time?

I know you said you’re not good at make up but does she have any grown up cousins, aunts who are interested in hair and make up and could do it for her?

Swipe left for the next trending thread