Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that most married couples settle?

244 replies

RedSetterBlues · 07/05/2019 22:13

Not actually my AIBU but more my male best friend’s. He believes that most married couples have settled for each other. I’m clearly a romantic fool who still believes in true love. Who is BU? Do most couples settle for each other?

OP posts:
Bisset · 07/05/2019 22:14

Can’t speak for anyone else, but I didn’t.

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/05/2019 22:14

No, still think he's the bee's knees.

BlueSkiesLies · 07/05/2019 22:14

Probably there is an element of being pragmatic, that you aren’t going to be best friends and amazing sexual lovers every second of a long marriage. But I don’t think most people settle exactly. Or I hope not anyway!

cheeseislife8 · 07/05/2019 22:15

Nope, I didn't either!

PropagandaMachine · 07/05/2019 22:15

That’s rather a pessimistic view. But it is only his view.

echt · 07/05/2019 22:15

Some do, I suppose, though who can tell what another's relationship is really like?

I didn't.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 07/05/2019 22:16

Loads of couples probably do.

Not us though, oh no. We both left longish relationships in our early twenties for each other. Still absolutely smitten 30 years later.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/05/2019 22:16

There’s a difference between settling and recognising no body’s perfect! If you are hunting perfection and end relationships at every hurdle, you will be sorely disappointed.

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 07/05/2019 22:17

My DH is my favourite person in the world (leaving aside the kids)

Still18atheart · 07/05/2019 22:17

That’s why I single to some extent. Realised if I stayed with oh I’d be settling.

GoodPlaceJanet · 07/05/2019 22:18

Depends what he means by settled. I've come across a lot of emotionally immature men that expect lifelong relationships to have the passion of the first few months. I belive that no one can retain that level of passion but its replaced with a trust and deep love that is far better in my opinion. I don't think being calm and comfortable has to mean you've settled.

wombatron · 07/05/2019 22:19

He's still my favourite!

Agednotwine · 07/05/2019 22:19

I don't think so at the point of marriage. I think afterwards they do however. And I suppose that's what it's supposed to be - in sickness and in health - well those are the vows most take.
I think some who get married quickly are still very much in love. After 3 plus years, there's less passion, but ye, why not get married.

It's supposed to be for life, though rarely is it these days.

UnderTheSeaWithMe · 07/05/2019 22:20

I am still madly in love with my DH. DH feels the same about me. We don't believe in 'settling' - life is too short to 'settle'. Your 'male best friend' is wrong. Is he dragging his heels about getting married? Grin

Almostfifty · 07/05/2019 22:20

35 years and we still adore each other.

Original poster
RedSetterBlues · 07/05/2019 22:20

I think he means that most people don’t marry for true love. He thinks they marry because they get along, are a good enough fit, don’t repulse each other, etc!

I was talking to a colleague the other day who was really excited about her wedding. I asked her about her fiance, how they met, etc. It was pretty obvious that she was ‘settling’ for him. He had always liked her and she got together with him on the rebound. However, hearing her talk about the wedding and seeing the photos, it’s like they were loves young dream. I have to say it shook me a little and made me wonder if my friend is right.

OP posts:
TheFlis12345 · 07/05/2019 22:20

Not even slightly, he is the loveliest person I have ever met.

PossiblyPFB · 07/05/2019 22:21

Nope. Didn’t settle personally but perhaps got very lucky! Blissful with true, deep, real love 20 years in. Smile

PJMasksAreOnTheirWay · 07/05/2019 22:21

I haven’t settled.

Dexterslockedintheshedagain · 07/05/2019 22:22

But what exactly is 'true love' anyway?

LittleAndOften · 07/05/2019 22:22

I spent the decade of my 20s settling for someone. Ending it was the best decision of my life. I met DH when I was 36 and I couldn't have invented someone better. We are married with one dc and another on the way. Sometimes we both say we wish we'd met when we were younger, but at the same time we both know we wouldn't have been right for each other back then. I feel like the stars all aligned at the right time for us, as cheesy as it sounds! No settling here.

RedSheep73 · 07/05/2019 22:22

By settle, do you mean accept 2nd best? no, I don't think so - not the ones who stay together, anyway. Settle as in settle down, yes.

Original poster
RedSetterBlues · 07/05/2019 22:23

UnderTheSeaWithMe, he’s actually married. Has been for about 5 years. I didn’t dare ask him if he includes himself in that category. I presume he must do as he wasn’t saying it in a gloating way!

OP posts:
TheCrowFromBelow · 07/05/2019 22:25

DP is still The One after 21 years, I suppose part of that is because we do compromise and want to work things out so we are both happy. I don’t view that as settling.

Original poster
RedSetterBlues · 07/05/2019 22:26

RedSheep73, I mean second best.

I did ask my friend what happens if someone settles and then later on meets someone who they wouldn’t call it ‘settling’ for, ie, first choice. He said that men don’t think that way and they just get on with what they have.

OP posts: