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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that most married couples settle?

244 replies

RedSetterBlues · 07/05/2019 22:13

Not actually my AIBU but more my male best friend’s. He believes that most married couples have settled for each other. I’m clearly a romantic fool who still believes in true love. Who is BU? Do most couples settle for each other?

OP posts:
Igotthemheavyboobs · 07/05/2019 22:44

Dp is honestly my best friend and the bonus is he doesn't get embarrassed by my mouth when we are out in public, he just knows to expect and embrace the weird. When we finally marry, it won't be settling!

GodDammitAmy · 07/05/2019 22:45

Interesting to read the comments. I do have friends who I think have settled for someone they feel would be a good father and provider, rather than the big love relationships they have had before. Maybe they've just learnt lessons from their previous relationships and their priorities have changed, I don't know. I didn't settle but still ended up divorced. ExH wanted the big love to continue and when we became more comfortable he went searching for it elsewhere. People and relationships are more complex than just a word.

woodcutbirds · 07/05/2019 22:45

I do think the notion of 'settling' is a bit weird though, as though being on a life long quest for The Perfect One is a more rewarding and worthwhile project than making a great life with someone, raising children with them, growing together, having new and shared experiences but occasionally tolerating imperfections and annoyances along the way. I know which I'd choose, every time.

mineofuselessinformation · 07/05/2019 22:45

I was in love with him, but sadly I think he settled for me - looking back he used to tell me how much he loved her (oh, what a fool was I). We have been divorced for quite a long time now.

StuckInsideAnEcho · 07/05/2019 22:46

Not married to mine but he's taken on my kids and we've bought a flat together.

I've definitely not settled. I'm aware there are men (or women) out there who could make me as happy or more happy but the happy I have with my OH is the happy I want. I could keep searching the seven seas and I wouldn't find a happy to match THIS happy. For whatever issues we have with each other sometimes, we are also each others brand of crazy. Even if he lost his penis, tongue, fingers (so no possible shared sexy times) or he suddenly became pregnant with aliens, we would tackle it together. He's not very romantic but I know he loves me. Settling isn't deciding on second best, it's taking someone who you can fit together with. They're not necessarily the love of your life but they're someone you can love and receive love back from, make a life with and be with. Those of us with deep, hard, true as hell love in our lives are lucky.

Alarae · 07/05/2019 22:48

Nope. It would be extremely poor self esteem to settle for the guy I met when I was 18 unless I was barmy for him.

stressedoutpa · 07/05/2019 22:49

No, not at all.

DH was a long time coming but worth the wait!

awalkintheparka · 07/05/2019 22:50

Well the big huge passionate relationship fizzled out pretty quickly and what was left was jealous, bitterness and a very difficult partner.

The slow burn love has lasted over 10 weeks with sexual attraction going strong and every shit brick that could have been thrown at us. There is no one else I would rather do this life with.

VladmirsPoutine · 07/05/2019 22:50

If you want babies and the whole shebang then settling might be the best bet. Frankly, I'd rather end up single than having settled as eventually the resentment will creep in.

RaptorWhiskers · 07/05/2019 22:50

I was in love with him, but sadly I think he settled for me
This is often the case sadly. I bet half the people who think their relationships are great, are just the person who’s in love rather than the person who settled.

awalkintheparka · 07/05/2019 22:50

10 years.... not weeks 🤦‍♀️

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/05/2019 22:51

I know which I'd choose, every time.

Fair enough, woodbird. Would you mind being settled for, then? Would it bother you?

TheGoogleMum · 07/05/2019 22:51

I don't feel like we settled. We aren't passionate all the time as that wore off a bit after the first few years (been together
A decade now) but he's my best friend and life partner and I can't imagine loving anyone more (except possibly my baby but that's a little different)

Allhailthesun · 07/05/2019 22:51

I’ve settled.
Mostly because the men I’ve been totally head over heels for (3 in total) haven’t worked out. And those have been pretty long term.
The definition of something or other is repeating behaviour and expecting a different result.
You live once.I like being single but I wanted to try married. And I’m loving it.

Peakypolly · 07/05/2019 22:52

I tend to agree with RaptorWhiskers You often find that it happens at a certain age, when they start to panic about being left on the shelf. For years they reject people because “it isn’t true love” but then later marry someone even less appealing just because they’ve hit the age where they want to get married and buy a house etc
Having met DH at 20, the world, and all the men in it, could have been my oyster. I had never planned a serious relationship at that age, but true love arrived and wouldn’t take no for an answer- and 30 plus years later it still works brilliantly.
But, the consensus on here so far seems to be saying the opposite Confused. I have seen so many friends seemingly panic in their 30’s and seem to settle for any man prepared to move in and sire children.

SchrodingersBrexit · 07/05/2019 22:54

Yes, I settled. Probably explains the divorce we are going through at the moment...

LetsGoMile · 07/05/2019 22:55

Not really sure of the meaning of ‘settling ‘. I dated guys who I was madly in love with but I didn’t think they make good husbands/fathers. When I felt ready to find a life long partner I wanted someone kind, someone who shared my values about life, family, money, etc. Someone I liked. Love didn’t one into it I don’t think. I grew to love them and I think them me. Don’t know really. I do hope we will spend the rest of our lives together but I think I could have been equally happy with someone else. I do not regret my decision at all.

RaptorWhiskers · 07/05/2019 22:59

Would you mind being settled for, then?
It’s better than being the one who settled. Always feeling there’s something missing and you’re missing out. Avoiding intimacy and feeling isolated. It must be lovely to be married to someone you love and find attractive, even if they don’t feel the same about you. Especially if you don’t know that they settled and you think you’re both in love.

DaisyYellow · 07/05/2019 23:01

I haven’t settled!... this does help explain why I’m single though.

Original poster
RedSetterBlues · 07/05/2019 23:01

So what happens if you settle and later on meet ‘the one’ or a better-fitting one? Just suck it up?

OP posts:
RaptorWhiskers · 07/05/2019 23:02

That’s why people have affairs.

Laiste · 07/05/2019 23:03

Yes i guess it's no good if we're all understanding the actual word 'settling' as different things when we're trying to discus it! Grin

To me 'settling' means being pretty sure you could love harder, be more excited, more happy, more fulfilled with someone else but sticking where you are anyway to keep the peace and/or because you believe the 'bird in hand' saying.

Bestfootforward1 · 07/05/2019 23:03

Smitten here too....

happymum12345 · 07/05/2019 23:06

I settled for my dh because I was desperate to be married & have babies. We’re happily married though-lovely family, nice home & lead good lives. It’s not all bad ‘settling!’

MorningsEleven · 07/05/2019 23:08

Settled? Fuck that.
My husband is clever, funny, kind, considerate, handsome, imaginative and dirty in a good way.
He's currently ironing my work shirts.
No idea what he sees in me 🤣