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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that most married couples settle?

244 replies

RedSetterBlues · 07/05/2019 22:13

Not actually my AIBU but more my male best friend’s. He believes that most married couples have settled for each other. I’m clearly a romantic fool who still believes in true love. Who is BU? Do most couples settle for each other?

OP posts:
ASundayWellSpent · 09/05/2019 08:40

Nope! My DH was a very "risky" option for me if I were just settling for pragmatic reasons! Seven years later and I can genuinely say we are more in love (and lust!) with each year that passes. And its been wonderful to grow into our potential together. Maybe its more of an age thing? Like when people fear their fertility window is closing and they would rather have someone "ok" than lose out on that life they wanted?

Alsohuman · 09/05/2019 10:47

@justarandomtricycle, that’s so very true.

Laiste · 09/05/2019 16:32

@Justbreathing i think most of the posters here condemning those who feel they've settled as just expecting too much definitely do not know what settling means.

CherryPavlova - ''I think many expect bodice ripping lust 24 hours a day or feel the relationship is doomed. That really does fail to recognise the ongoing love that replaces the initial lust. I can’t imagine ‘settling’. I can’t imagine not living our lives together. I look at him asleep and still get a warm feeling.''

Picking on you simply because your post is nearest but - well plainly you haven't settled then cherry so how come have such clear ideas of what it must be like? No, they don't all ''expect bodice ripping lust 24 hours a day'' Hmm That's quite patronising. I would guess that 9 times out of 10 there wasn't a grand passion in the first place. It's no wonder very few have come on to this thread to talk about their settling experiences.

To me settled was:

  • you don't row but you don't love the partner.
  • you spend a lot of time feeling guilty.
  • you feel your marriage is a waste of both your lives.
  • you rub along ok but avoid spending much time together.
  • you don't hate them but you regret having married them.
  • they are not your go to in the time of a crisis and you are not theirs.
  • you certainly don't gaze at them in the night unless it's to wonder for the millionth time what to do about it all.

You don't leave because it will cause trouble and you just know that if you do some people will be thinking ''ooh they left? He didn't drink or beat her up .... What did she expect? Bodice ripping sex for years .... yada yada yada' as has been demonstrated here.

IHaveNoIdeaReally · 09/05/2019 16:46

Studies have shown men tend to settle more than women, so maybe that's the reason for your different POV.

Justbreathing · 09/05/2019 16:58

@Laiste
Spot on
Succinctly put.
All these people that say it’s not about passion. That’s nothing to do with settling

Allhailthesun · 09/05/2019 17:02

I do think though that if some people didn’t settle, they would never experience children or marriage or buy a house or any of the landmarks that sort of need two people.
As I said I have been passionately in love but as they didn’t love me back with the same passion it would still have been settling.
I just haven’t met the one who feels equally what I do. As do many people seem to find “ the one” once they have married I’m not sure that being single and holding out makes sense.

Justbreathing · 09/05/2019 17:04

I basically think settling means you don’t really love the other person. But they meet your needs.

HeyTodayIsTheDay · 09/05/2019 17:49

*To me settled was:

  • you don't row but you don't love the partner.
  • you spend a lot of time feeling guilty.
  • you feel your marriage is a waste of both your lives.
  • you rub along ok but avoid spending much time together.
  • you don't hate them but you regret having married them.
  • they are not your go to in the time of a crisis and you are not theirs.*

The above just looks like an unhappy marriage to me. One or both partners can feel like that even if they didn’t settle initially and were ‘in love’ at the time they married. Conversely, pragmatic ‘settled’ marriages can grow to be very happy, as testified by some posters on this thread. Forcing yourself into something you don’t want to do, like marry a person you aren’t that keen on, is never a good idea.

HeyTodayIsTheDay · 09/05/2019 17:52

Allhailthesun, perfectly put across.

Pilgit · 09/05/2019 17:59

I think a lot do. And it often ends in divorce. I've known quite a few in that bracket. They meet someone that doesn't repulse them who is in the same place - I.e wanting to settle down - and they settle. Sometimes this can work. Often it doesn't.

I didn't do that and couldn't imagine ever wanting to. But we're all different.

MelbaToast · 09/05/2019 18:05

I don't think anyone intentionally settles. I've seen friends get married over the years believing they've met the love of their life and after a few years of marriage and 2 children can't even remember saying how much they loved their partner. I think it's really common for relationships to be difficult with young children but the test is whether they bounce back after the kids are a bit older.

Justbreathing · 09/05/2019 18:16

I just think people have different ideas about settled
Some people think think it’s what happens with marriage

It’s when you don’t love someone. If you didn’t have ties you would leave in a heartbeat. But you don’t. Because you’ve got kids and a home and all the other things. You wouldn’t actively chose to be with that person.

Butteredghost · 09/05/2019 18:38

Yes, but I don't see what's wrong with that. What is "true love" anyway? Does it even exist? Maybe for a few moments it does, but it's not an all day every day feeling.

You also have to consider what you have to offer. I'm ugly with a shit personality, but in my favour I'm reasonably young (30s) and earn a lot. My husband is himself only medium level attractive physically, financially and personally wise so he could have had either a younger but ugly person, or someone nice/good looking but his same age (mid 40s). He chose the former.

The way I see it, there isn't a perfect lid for every pot. You "buy" the best lid you can afford from what is available, and your currency is your looks, personality, age, assets and lifestyle. Just like actual shopping, sometimes we can't afford top of the range.

IvanaPee · 09/05/2019 18:44

Yes, but I don't see what's wrong with that. What is "true love" anyway? Does it even exist? Maybe for a few moments it does, but it's not an all day every day feeling.

I’m 20 years into my relationship and I can tell you honestly that it’s an every day feeling. Sometimes he pisses me off and we might argue but we never “fight” and I feel in love with him every single day.

Nothing wrong with “settling” but claiming that true love doesn’t exist is just wrong!

Butteredghost · 09/05/2019 18:58

Fair enough, I suppose everyone experiences it differently. For me it's a momentary thing, like laughing at a joke or the flavour of a bite of cake. It happens, you experience it, then it's gone. I don't walk around all day giggling or with the taste of cake in my mouth.

Also it's so hard to define because so many people say they are "so in love" with someone who abuses them or treats them badly. How can that be "love"?

RottnestFerry · 09/05/2019 19:31

First marriage-yes. Second- no. Still can’t believe my luck

Same here. Given the circumstances, I'm pretty certain that my wife didn't 'settle' for me.

Laiste · 09/05/2019 19:39

Butteredghost i'm going to be honest and say i don't know why i keep coming back to this thread because it's just irritating me. And then along comes your 18.38 post it's made me chuckle :) Flowers

I love a bit of brutal honesty and you've been that.

I can see your logic. It's a lot more sound than 'all good marriages are really just settling AND being in love at the same time' idea.

nothinglikeadame · 10/05/2019 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tixytrick · 10/05/2019 15:32

From talking to friends I know most have settled into a fairly mundane routine. Work, kids, odd hobby or two, tv, bed....rinse and repeat with the odd event/holiday/day out thrown in and sex when they remember or can be bothered. I settled in my first marriage and so did my exDH as he had an affair and left me so clearly wasn’t happy! I am now going through the post divorce dating game and believe me that isn’t all it’s cracked up to be either. Lots of highs mixed with lots of angst and worry. Not sure which I preferred to be honest

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