To think that most married couples settle?

[RedSetterBlues]

Not actually my AIBU but more my male best friend’s. He believes that most married couples have settled for each other. I’m clearly a romantic fool who still believes in true love. Who is BU? Do most couples settle for each other?

people probably do but why is it a problem if they are happy with that ? I don't really see why you feel sad for him or anyone else who settles ( I don't think many people will admit this on here ) they obviously get on well with their spouse/ enjoy their life enough/ want a family and children. I don't believe in love of life / soul mates / only one person for any one as statistically it would be very unlikely any of us would meet them they could be anywhere in the world. Not every person can have the most amazing relationship / job / house we all make compromises about houses/ jobs/ relationships. I also think what you want in a relationship might be another person's idea of hell. What works for some doesn't for others do who is to say what you think is desirable or how you view your relationship as wonderful it wouldn't be for others. Their isn't a right or wrong answer just different people want and need different things.

I don't think everyone marries for true love. Some do, some settle, some want a provider and others just want their big day and divorce soon after etc.

Unless both you and your H are gorgeous toned attractive charismatic generous funny communicative open honest intelligent understanding and always respond to every difficulty with maturity resilience then I would say yes. I never found the man i want!

I wonder how many peoples partners feel the same way they do.

Lots of people here are saying they didn't settle and that their partners didn't either - but I do wonder how true that actually is.

I have most definitely have not settled, and would never.
Dh is my most favourite person in the world.

I always feel people that assume this have definitely settled less than they hoped, and are questioning their own life choices.

In the right relationship you reach a level where you don't need the constant heady excitement - besides that's hard to keep going when kids come along/full time work/mortgage, etc.

Men are just as susceptible to the Disney version of relationships being their 'go-to' example as they grow up. It's something that many couples struggle with as life throws it's usual challenges at them.

When kids come along it is usually the first time a couple is usually asked to really work together, for something they both have 50% 'investment' in if you like. Some couples may have renovated a house and had those stresses (no hot water etc) already and found ways to compromise and communicate through it. Others haven't. In that respect, many couples do seem to be unprepared for marriage and when they have screaming kids, are tired, no time for each other they often loose sight of why they got together.

I do agree however that men do tend to distance themselves at this point, making a new female friend for example, and detach from the relationship. It doesn't really say anything about their current partner but a lot about whether he is the type willing to stay and work on niggles and tough times.

It's also about perspective. Of course from my perspective all of my exes have 'settled' . I jest. No, actually at least two are punching far above their weight in many respects!

I met my husband at 18, we got married at 24. We’ve been together for 16 years, married for 10, and I still feel lucky to have fallen in love with such a wonderful man. No relationship is perfect every day, but I really don’t feel like I settled for anything less than true love.

If my experience is anything to go by, I did settle when I married H. But I didn’t see it as settling iyswim. I saw that I loved him. I saw that love is a verb and yes u need to want to make it work. I saw that things are nit always roses and sometimes things are hard.
But I didn’t think I’d settled.

Now looking back, I have. I want early 30s, desperate for children and a family. Probably because that had always been portrayed as the one thing I shouod aim for. The one goal along side having a good career. Tellingly, when I told my mum I was getting married, her first reaction was ‘great! Now there is someone to look after you!’ (I know she meant that I wouod have some support when things are tough rather than having to face everything in my own but still....).

Years later, and this idea of settling is getting harder and harder to swallow. But after years together, leaving has got much more difficult....

It's the opposite I think. You only marry because you are maldu in love Dont you 🤨?
Surely settling is for people you don't marry?

While I don't disagree necessarily, I'm curious by the number of people who are saying that more people will settle than admit to it. Why? It would seem even more precarious to settle and then refuse to admit that you'd done so... surely the upside of settling is that you know and accept those traits; and are aware that you've done so?

(I've got no experience of this; I spent my early 20s building a career and marriage has only come up as something I'd like to do more recently)

Btw, I also agree that with a PP that very few people will come on here and say that yes they have settled.

In reality, even if they hadn’t settled when they got married, after many ups and downs from life, people will have often settled with what they have, not willing to start from scratch all on their own again. Esp women with young dcs.

If you look at how people are with each other, you will see it. You Have the 50+ years old couple who has been together since their early 20s. And they still look at each other with that spark in their eyes. They still hold hands lovingly etc...
And then you have the one who clearly are very polite with each other, will care about each other but that’s it. They’ve settled.

Also worth remembering that there are some positive points about being settled like this. If you have a relationship with someone who is decent, you support each other practically and you have a bit of companionship, a lot of people will be happy to take that knowing that being single will bring them more isolation, less support practically, no buffer when things get tough (eg if you suddenly get ill and can’t work) etc etc

Anchor I think that’s because there is a difference between the reality and what you are happy to admit to yourself.

We didn’t settle at the time, but neither of us wanted to settle for what the marriage had become. We did a sort of “conscious uncoupling” thing whilst remaining good friends.

He’s now married again very happily, I’m very happily single.

We could have settled but I didn’t want (and I don’t think he did either) for life to be “ok”.

I certainly didn't, but my best friend tells me he did. I find that quite sad. My parents were clearly a "suitable" couple, but there is nothing between them. I couldn't stay in a marriage like theirs

I settled the first time and that went tits up.I definitely didn't with dh.

I don’t think settling us being with someone you once loved a lot, but life has changed and now you’re more friends. But you have the same outlook on life and you actively enjoy each other’s company.

I think it’s staying with it being with someone you actively don’t massively like, but can endure. Usually because of children, and then the children are gone and it’s just habit.

That’s settling. And I think a lot of people do it.

I know his is controversial and a massive sexist generalisation but I think men are more inclined to just settle wih whoever they are with once they reach the age where they want to have children. There's less risk for them. Most women make good mothers to their children and are less likely to abandon them.

Women have to think more carefully about who they have kids with. It's anecdotal but I see women I know spending their 20s and 30s looking for The One. While men seem to enjoy going from one relationship to the next and suddenly at 30+ get serious with whoever they are with.

@SignedUpJust4This
I agree with you.

wow poor them. I would never settle, married 19 years, both still feel it - some people probably settle but they do that because they wanted too. I don't think most people do. But even when you marry for love it is still hard work - perhaps he didn't realise it would be hard work even if you adored the person?

I think one of my friends might settle, in a bit of a "late 30s" panic.

Emotionally I feel this would be a mistake - I think about my marriage, and would love her to have something similar.

But then I wonder if I'm being a bit judgmental, as practically, I think:

She'll be married, which she wants.
She'll have a child, which she wants.
She'll have companionship / won't be alone, which she wants.

I wonder if it's similar to some modern day arranged marriages - it might not be a "great love", but it works, and it's enough to crack on with.

And then I look at my husband again, and what we have, and think settling would suck.

But would it, if your only other option is nothing / no one?

Genuinely can't make up my mind!!

I didn’t settle; every time DH annoys me I remind myself that I chose him and I didn’t settle for the easier life which was an option at the time.
I do know what you mean though; I’ve heard people talk about getting to the point where they want to get married etc and then meeting someone and just marrying them because they were there.

What do you mean by settle? My Dh is lovely. He's a very good man. I knew it immediately. I'll never date anyone else.

I believe that no one can retain that level of passion but its replaced with a trust and deep love that is far better in my opinion. I don't think being calm and comfortable has to mean you've settled.

^This. I love my DH more now than when I married him - can't speak for him but he's still here 25 years on!!

I think a lot of women settle without realising. This is based on purely anecdotal evidence it's just that I have noticed a trend amongst friends and family - once they get to a certain age and meet someone new, they're married and pregnant at warp speed, compared to the time they took over relationships a few years before. They would all swear blind that they had fallen madly in love, but after a few kids the cracks show, and many have either divorced or had to fight hard not to. I suspect that things can become a bit blurry when the clock starts ticking (hate that phrase) and some women can find themselves attracted to "good father" material, but find later that actually they have very little in common as two individuals.

But then on the flip side, at other times in your life, you can find yourself with someone who "gets" you and is an amazing fit sexually and emotionally, but who would make an absolutely shit long term prospect in terms of marriage and kids.

It's not easy, is it?

I actually think there's something to be said for marrying/finding someone young. I don't mean in your teens necessarily, but early to mid twenties. Again massive generalisation, but of the couples I know who met fairly young, they have either stayed together happily (because they met, fell in love, shagged their brains out, and found out that actually they worked well together) or else they had a few years of being in a "serious" relationship, it didn't work, they learned from it, no harm done, but because they were young they had plenty of time to move on from it and find someone else before they felt like they were running out of time