Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that most married couples settle?

244 replies

RedSetterBlues · 07/05/2019 22:13

Not actually my AIBU but more my male best friend’s. He believes that most married couples have settled for each other. I’m clearly a romantic fool who still believes in true love. Who is BU? Do most couples settle for each other?

OP posts:
Ivegotthree · 07/05/2019 22:28

No way! We've been married 15 years and I married the love of my life!

Whatthefoxgoingon · 07/05/2019 22:30

Decades in, I can’t imagine being with anyone else.

Doesn’t mean we don’t have our ups and downs. Normal part of life.

Laiste · 07/05/2019 22:30

Hmmm. I think more people do this than would admit it. I think he might be right.

My first marriage was definitely a settling. I persevered for years just to keep the status quo.

My second marriage caused huge ructions and we had to be very brave and determinded to get together but we wanted to be together more than anything. And we did it and we are. Totally love struck still and very happy 12 years on :)

User12879923378 · 07/05/2019 22:31

People who say this stuff are telling you a lot more about their own relationship and their feelings about it than everyone else's.

My DH is the love of my life. I met him at 33 after giving up on a longish relationship that really would have been settling - lovely bloke but just not right for me. I'm sorry for anyone who goes into marriage thinking their partner will "do".

RaptorWhiskers · 07/05/2019 22:31

Yep. You often find that it happens at a certain age, when they start to panic about being left on the shelf. For years they reject people because “it isn’t true love” but then later marry someone even less appealing just because they’ve hit the age where they want to get married and buy a house etc.

Hopeygoflightly · 07/05/2019 22:32

Nope! Fancy the pants of my DW, always did. She’s a catch on all fronts! But long term relationships IMHO are full of compromises but that’s a different thing entirely.

HBStowe · 07/05/2019 22:32

I certainly didn’t. Mine is everything - more than everything - I could ever have dreamed of.

BlueJag · 07/05/2019 22:32

I didn't he is the best man I know in every way. We've been together 30 years in June. We aren't as cute as we were but love is blind.

IvanaPee · 07/05/2019 22:32

I don’t feel like I’ve settled. I’m completely in love with dh. And he feels the same as far as I’m aware!

Nobody has ever come close. I don’t think anyone ever will.

Original poster
RedSetterBlues · 07/05/2019 22:33

People who say this stuff are telling you a lot more about their own relationship and their feelings about it than everyone else's. I do suspect as much. Although that makes me feel so sad for him.

OP posts:
LittleAndOften · 07/05/2019 22:33

In my experience, people who settle don't stay together. I went to one wedding where the groom was clearly on the rebound (he couldn't cope when single) and the bride desperate for children. They had only known each other 6 months. It was his 3rd marriage too. It seemed like a "well you'll do" kind of relationship! They had a baby but the marriage was doomed.

Another one had a bride who'd been engaged 4 times previously and was clearly just desperate for a wedding. She was in most of the pictures by herself or with her friends and family, and spent pretty much no time with the groom during the whole thing. You got the sense the wedding was just her living out a fantasy, and he was just a prop.

Both ended in divorce.

Xyzzzzz · 07/05/2019 22:34

I can see why he would think that. I also think people are more realistic now as opposed to just settling.

OnlyRealButterWillDo · 07/05/2019 22:34

Fifteen years in and I still adore my DH. In fact, we're more loving now, physically closer and utterly content. DH May have settled for me though because I'd say he's definitely out of my league.

SparrowBo · 07/05/2019 22:34

Nah. I didn't

Mabellavender · 07/05/2019 22:35

First marriage-yes. Second- no. Still can’t believe my luck!Smile

hewontstopshitting · 07/05/2019 22:36

I haven’t, me and DH have been through a lot together and he’s my favourite person in the world. I absolutely adore him.

Thehop · 07/05/2019 22:36

Nope, I lucked out. Second marriage, I definitely upped my standards!

fedupandlookingforchange · 07/05/2019 22:38

If asked a few months ago I would have said no people don’t settle for second best. But there’s been a bit of a rough patch between my DP and I and the number of ‘friends ‘ who have either asked outright do I love him or did I just settle or have told their lengthy stories about settling have surprised me. One explained at length how you need 5 different long term relationships through life to suit each of the different stages of life and I thought she was really happily married!
I haven’t settled for second best and changing long term partners 5 times in life would be too much for me, if I didn’t think I could happily grow old with him he wouldn’t have made it past the third date.

ReanimatedSGB · 07/05/2019 22:38

I think some people do. Often they get married because all their mates are getting married (or got married a few years ago) and the current partner is pleasant, attractive enough, goodhearted, wants broadly the same things eg kids/no kids, domestic life/lots of travel and adventure.
Sometimes these marriages work out fine; sometimes they don't (because one partner was more into it than the other, who was just going along with the 'let's get married' stuff because the partner wanted it and they didn't have anything better to do at the time.)

shitholiday2018 · 07/05/2019 22:39

Oh my god not me. Head over heels! Nor most people I know?!

Justbreathing · 07/05/2019 22:40

Lots of people settle/ stay for the kids. Think general ok is ok. Think their life Is better than not seeing their children 50% of the time. If they can not argue then it’s good.

They just won’t be on this thread.
They won’t be on many threads. But they’ll be reading them

Chickoletta · 07/05/2019 22:40

I'm proud to be married to the most wonderful man I've ever met. We are very much in love after 22 years together. That's not to say that the 'Have you put the bins out?' type conversations rock my world, but I am happy in the life we've created together and certainly didn't settle.

Butterflycookie · 07/05/2019 22:41

One of my uni lecturers had said the same thing. That most people settle and we don’t know if there’s someone better for us. I’m sure most do settle

woodcutbirds · 07/05/2019 22:43

No. So glad I met him 26 years ago. I can't imagine getting on with anyone else better over the long term. I love his attitude to raising DC, his kindness and affection, his silliness and humour, his romantic streak, his intelligence and gentleness. He may not have the carved cheekbones and thick hair he had when we met anymore but I love him just as much and he feels the same and says so, often.

RaptorWhiskers · 07/05/2019 22:43

FWIW, I’ve been in love and I don’t think we’d have had a stable life together. I’d have been jealous and insecure because I actually gave a shit whether he was faithful and stayed with me. And he was attractive so I don’t doubt he would have had opportunities to cheat. There’s a lot to be said for settling with someone that’s not overly attractive and you’re not that bothered about.

Swipe left for the next trending thread