To think that most married couples settle?

[RedSetterBlues]

Not actually my AIBU but more my male best friend’s. He believes that most married couples have settled for each other. I’m clearly a romantic fool who still believes in true love. Who is BU? Do most couples settle for each other?

''what happens if you settle and later on meet ‘the one’''

Well that depends on lots of things.

Interestingly - who would you judge more in that situation? The one who stayed causing two people to live a life of settling, or the one who was honest but caused an upheaval?

I’ve reached the point where I would be happy to settle for someone. Is that bad?!

That’s exactly why people gave affairs

Have

Laiste, I suppose it depends on whether there are children involved. My friend has intimated that you always stay. So if he settled then he would stay anyway, even if he met a woman who blew him away.

I wouldn’t judge. I think leaving is probably the braver thing to do but should we pursue our own happiness at the expense of our family?

Nothing wrong with "settling" - whatever that means anyway. The whole One True Love you are fated to be with and passionately in love forever like sweethearts skipping through the daisies is a load of hogwash imo. Give me a man who cleans the kitchen and bathroom floors regularly without being asked any day.
Perfectly happy and DH is a gem, by the way. See above re: floors :-)

I think he means that most people don’t marry for true love. He thinks they marry because they get along, are a good enough fit, don’t repulse each other, etc!

Yep for a lot of people thats about what does happen and their probally fine with it.

Course some might just find that very powerfull atraction thing sexual attaraction and the other bit, ie day to day compatibility etc and if they do then very lucky they are.

Others may not exprence the first but are OK or will settle with the next as well!, you could go on for years finding mr ms right in every way perhaps for some there just is not mr or ms ideal or they don't want to wait to find that after all who does know if anyone better is around the corner?

Furthermore they may well have this notion of THE ONE and they DO sometimes find Mr or Ms right, or better "right" then what they do have, later on in life then have affairs and divorce and re marry.

There is no such thing as true love. The quicker you arrive at that, the quicker you will actually be getting to know real men as real people, rather than pine for the imaginary, completely fictional Disney romance.

This rubbish is why people get themselves into trouble and abusive situations, because true love.

People who have successful lasting happy relationships/ marriages make them this way, it is not a miracle or a fluke. It takes nurturing, investment, patience and wisdom.

You choose your partner well and make it work. From both sides.

I think it depends on how happy the person is with themselves too. My sister is a settler - the first time was a might as well and the second was a panic about having kids and if anyone would want to marry a divorced woman.

She has wound up with a very traditional husband who isn't very involved in the house affairs and leaves her with childcare because he 'works' so much. She is happy to be a mother but my parents kick in with childcare because otherwise she wouldn't cope.

I think I'm more romantic than her but also willing to be more independent. I remember my mum telling me as a child that being with someone for love isn't the most important thing and doesn't last. My parents are very close and seem happy but that was also a one career home and not without it's problems

I am holding out from getting married and haven't been with anyone I would seriously consider it with. I've been in love but never felt that solid basis of trust and respect that you nurture over years.

I would rather be alone than with a man who will 'just do.' I've had interest from these types and while it would please my family, it would feel wrong. I don't have a mania about being alone, the wrong man would make me very unhappy

I think for some people ‘settling’ is more than ‘just love’ in a funny way. Deciding to be with someone and make a go of things and to have and share the house, the children, the good things in life and the bills and stresses is what makes a real partnership. It’s grownup and it’s hard work and it’s, arguably, what life is all about. Again, I’m single, so I could be talking absolute claptrap.

I didn't and obviously DH didn't. [Grin]

However, the "passion" ebbs and flows. But what is always underneath is the commitment.

I trust that DH will always have my back, even when we are tired and maybe a bit bored and grumpy with each other. We have learned over the years to ride these times out.

I think people who expect the exciting romantic passion to be a permanent state are unrealistic.

Real love is the arm around your shoulders at 3am in the paediatric emergency room, its the steaming hot cup of coffee waiting on the bedside for you on a cold morning, it's the hand in yours when you need it, it's the load of washing cleaned dried and put away, the shirt you thought you needed to iron hanging up ready for you and all of the little things that make each other's lives a little better, a little warmer, it all adds up. If wanting that over excitement is settling then I am happy to settle.

He does still surprise me sometimes, though!

I don't understand what is meant by "settled". If single me had of made a list of all the things I wanted from my dream man then DP would have only ticked half the boxes. However he ticked the most important ones and I fell in love with him deeply. Does this mean I settled? Maybe in the eyes of some people I have, but I am happy.

People who have successful lasting happy relationships/ marriages make them this way, it is not a miracle or a fluke. It takes nurturing, investment, patience and wisdom.

You choose your partner well and make it work. From both sides.

Very much agree with you. After 30 years Dh and I are constantly telling each other how lucky we feel. We love each other more now than when we first married, because we have lived life together and neither of us if would have it any other way.
The marriage has never been “hard” but life sometimes has been.

Settle in what way though? I mean you could keep looking for the perfect person forever and not find them as they don't exist. I know a person like that in her 30s never got past the casual dating for a few weeks stage, she'd find fault and bin them off. She's still single last I heard, unsurprisingly.

For me I met my husband at uni, we broke up after uni and I went travelling early 20s. I came back and after 2 years apart (and pining most of the time I was away) I realised that there wasn't anyone else I wanted. I met lots of very lovely, attractive, successful men in that time but I knew who I wanted. I didn't settle (my husband is all the things the other blokes were, he just had something else too). To an outsider I went back to my ex bf and "settled" I didn't though, I chose him.

I was massively in love with my husband at the start. Got married after 2 years, loved him more than I could imagine loving anyone.

Fast forward a decade, he is a workaholic with a very, very low sex drive, we are hardly ever intimate. This has led to resentment on my part, and with it, irritability. Personality traits of his which I found appealing at the start now annoy me. I do still love him but it's a companionate love, a co-parenting partnership. So in a sense I feel now I am "settling" as I could definitely imagine being happier with someone else (say, in a relationship where the other person actually wanted to have sex) but I wasn't settling at all at the start.

I think your friend is right to an extent, I mean what are the chances that THE best person for you happens to be your next door neighbour/that bloke from accounts etc etc. But i also believe that there are some relationships that are fated, or meant to be and where the people love each other for always. My granddad being a good example. He was besotted with his first wife and they were together for many many years. After she died in her sixties he was lonely and remarried but it was never the same and I think he missed his first wife (my grandmother) very much. He definitely settled second time round.

So, yeah I think settling happens a hell of a lot more than people think. What proportion I couldn't say, and I don't know if the majority do. Maybe it's 50/50? Or 60/40 in favour of settlers? Dunno...

I'm married to my "one", love at first sight & everything. 24 years, keep expecting reality to kick in but we get on better now than ever.

Maybe it's 50/50? Or 60/40 in favour of settlers
Imo it’s 50/50 within any particular marriage - one partner is enthusiastically in love while the other is just like “yeah whatever, I don’t have any better options”. It’s much rarer that both partners have settled.

And it’s age. I mean the older you get the more the idea of holding out for “ true love” is irrelevant.

I have loved and been loved which have been marvellous and been successfully single. I want something different out of marriage though. It’s a lifestyle and an arttitude..

I think it helps if you love the person who you have children with. You have to look at that child every day and seeing someone you love in their face makes the job easier. But after kids I am not sure it mattes so much. I don’t doubt it’s fantastic to still feel in love with partner after 30 years but people are different. It wouldn’t work for everyone.

If I’d settled I’d have been married at 27 to someone who was perfect for me and who I’d dated for 7 years. He was a really, really great guy, adored me, was smart, funny, good looking, kind, similar values, had a good career ahead of him, he got on great with my family and friends - he ticked every single box, except I didn’t love him, or not the way he deserved anyway. I still don’t know why I didn’t love him - it would have made life a hell of a lot easier if I had.

I was engaged 11 months later to someone else, someone I adored, and we married and had kids. Sadly, I think he had settled for me. He turned out to be a closeted gay man, and we parted 20 years on. I wasn’t expecting to find love again and did, unexpectedly, to the most amazing man who is basically a mix of the best bits of both exes. I’m incredibly lucky to have found him.

Nope! No settling here! He’s one of the very best men of my acquaintance. Kind, intelligent, generous, very funny, and still so handsome to me after a decade I sometimes catch my breath when I see him. Don’t get me wrong, he can be lazy, greedy ( and he just let one rip sitting by the bed watching the Liv/Barca highlights 🤦🏻‍♀️), but none of that outweighs the fact he is a bloody good man and I love him now even more than ever. And I don’t buy this guff that even if one person isn’t settling the other one probably is...I don’t need to explain how I know to MN, but I know, he didn’t settle. And we’re still not settling. Marriage takes work, it takes commitment, but that doesn’t make it settling.

No, I don’t think this is true..at least from my experience! I married for love and stay married for love.

I chose not to 'settle' and ended a six year relationship in my late 20s.

I was single for a while, had a short lived rebound relationship, put it about a bit after that then met dh and knew he was the one right away. I was blown away by him and we are weirdly similar, so much so, our relationship requires very little compromise as we both want the same things.

I had a miserable childhood and was determined that I'd find the one or stay single. I didn't want to fuck my adulthood up in the way my childhood had been ruined.

Op, your friend sounds like he is unhappy in his relationship and is projecting.

I haven't rtft,, I didn't but I think DH thinks so deep down.

@RedSetterBlues

You do know don't you, that the vast majority of people are not going to admit they just settled for someone that was just 'OK' rather than be alone?

You will get people saying that the person they married X amount of years ago (when they were young,) is a wonderful partner, and they are besotted and obsessed with this perfect human being, and their relationship is amazing and always has been!

And some others will say that they settled for the best they could get in their first marriage, but they left them, and now they're with their true love... Very few people will admit that they settled for someone that was just 'OK' (many years ago,) and stayed with them ...

As a pp said, more people are with someone they 'settled' for and are not deeply in love with, than people will admit to. For some, being in an OK relationship with someone who is a companion and someone to chat to, and share bills and problems with, is better than being alone.

Not many people will admit to that though. Unless as I say, it's an 'ex' who they used to be married to ... Like when someone posts about how their man is negging them, putting them down, flirting with other women and making her feel she is the issue; many posters come on and say 'my ex did this.' It's never their current partner.

I'm not saying true love with a soulmate never happens, but I do believe it's the exception rather than the rule. I believe that there are many more people who 'settle,' (or think the person is 'the one,' then realise after a few years that they're not,) than there are people who find that one true love who is their soulmate, and find everything is wonderful for life!.

Many people who did just settle, (or realise the person they thought was 'the one,') stay together for the kids, and frankly, because it's easier and better to stay, than to break up a family, just because the romance has gone off the boil, or the marriage has gone stale - (or both.)

No-one is 'projecting' by stating that many people just 'settle,' or that many relationships are far from perfect... They are simply realists who know that the majority of relationships (in real life,) are not like they are in Hollywood and in Disney films.