Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that most married couples settle?

244 replies

RedSetterBlues · 07/05/2019 22:13

Not actually my AIBU but more my male best friend’s. He believes that most married couples have settled for each other. I’m clearly a romantic fool who still believes in true love. Who is BU? Do most couples settle for each other?

OP posts:
goldenchicken · 08/05/2019 00:35

@RedSetterBlues

You do know don't you, that the vast majority of people are not going to admit they just settled for someone that was just 'OK' rather than be alone? wink

You will get people saying that the person they married X amount of years ago (when they were young,) is a wonderful partner, and they are besotted and obsessed with this perfect human being, and their relationship is amazing and always has been!

And some others will say that they settled for the best they could get in their first marriage, but they left them, and now they're with their true love... Very few people will admit that they settled for someone that was just 'OK' (many years ago,) and stayed with them ...

As a pp said, more people are with someone they 'settled' for and are not deeply in love with, than people will admit to. For some, being in an OK relationship with someone who is a companion and someone to chat to, and share bills and problems with, is better than being alone.

Not many people will admit to that though. Unless as I say, it's an 'ex' who they used to be married to ... Like when someone posts about how their man is negging them, putting them down, flirting with other women and making her feel she is the issue; many posters come on and say 'my ex did this.' It's never their current partner.

I'm not saying true love with a soulmate never happens, but I do believe it's the exception rather than the rule. I believe that there are many more people who 'settle,' (or think the person is 'the one,' then realise after a few years that they're not,) than there are people who find that one true love who is their soulmate, and find everything is wonderful for life!.

Many people who did just settle, (or realise the person they thought was 'the one,' is NOT,) stay together for the kids, and frankly, because it's easier and better to stay, than to break up a family, just because the romance has gone off the boil, or the marriage has gone stale - (or both.)

No-one is 'projecting' by stating that many people just 'settle,' or that many relationships are far from perfect... They are simply realists who know that the majority of relationships (in real life,) are not like they are in Hollywood and in Disney films.

goldenchicken · 08/05/2019 00:43

Sorry not sure why that posted twice! Blush

BossyPurples · 08/05/2019 00:46

I didn't settle and I hope my dh didn't settle for me. We've been together 20 years but I know from the many threads on here things can and do still go wrong so while I think he's happy and I think he loves me, many other women thought the same about their spouse and even after decades together people split up.

I think some do settle though, maybe more than I realise and manage to plod along, pretending to be happy so that the other one doesn't leave.

My bil has been with his partner for 15 years now and if she were to post on this thread I know she'd say they are madly in love and neither are settling, but I know from how he speaks he doesn't love her but a settled life with her and his dc is easier than a life on his own. I think he's an arsehole and should at least speak to his partner about how he really feels but he knows she'd end things if she knew he didn't feel like she was "the one" and he has his home cleaned, his meals cooked, his children parented and if he let her go to find someone who truly loved her he'd have to do his fair share and thats why he stays.

Cheeringmeup · 08/05/2019 00:56

If I’m completely honest, I probably thought that I was settling (although would have denied it at the time, even to myself). However, 30 years later, I’m happy to say that we’re still together, 2 fantastic dc, and still enjoy bugging the life out of each other - we are, on the surface, not a good fit, but we really work.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/05/2019 01:33

Only read OP but....

I think he sort of has a point in that in every relationship out there hits that point where you are getting on each others nerves, the honeymoon period is over and its crunch time, stay together or part.

And so you weigh it up. He is a bit slobby clotheswise, doesnt always put his laundry in the basket and farts when he laughs too hard. She never unloads the dishwasher, leaves her dirty knickers on the bathroom floor and picks her nose when she thinks he isnt looking. But...... they rub along ok, agree on politics and religion and life plans, he knows what sanitary protection she uses and she knows that he prefers his chips without vinegar. So they agree that each other is the best for them.

You could call that "settling". I call it real life and realistic expectations.

Adversecamber22 · 08/05/2019 03:00

Your friend is unhappy.
I have male friends but be careful he isn’t fishing.

MrsFoxPlus4 · 08/05/2019 03:03

Nope. We’ve been together since we were 15. I think he’s the best man I know. I love him more than I ever did ❤️

b0bb1n · 08/05/2019 03:32

No way, it was a mutual love at first sight (well, love about a day or two after after initially meeting and being put on shift together) for us, and I still think he is the most incredible person I have ever met and love him with all my entire heart.

echt · 08/05/2019 03:37

Tip-top post, Pyongyang

PeggySuehadababy · 08/05/2019 06:48

There's a happy medium between "settling" and finding THE ONE.

Everyone settles to an extent. We know the other person is flawed, as we are, but we decide to work on the relationship and continue it.

Relationship require constant work and settling. We have kids, bills, chores, ups and downs, but we decide to face them together. With my DH it was love at first sight, but a lot of hard work, adjusting expectations and compromise from both.

Some people believe you meet the one and you won't have to work at the relationship, it will be as easy as breathing etc.. That's a bit naive I think.

I know a couple, friends of hours, who "settled" but ended up having so much in common, that they are actually happily together. Some people pursue true love and get disappointed that it requires commitment.

formerbabe · 08/05/2019 06:56

I think it's importantly to remember that no one is perfect.

There's not hoardes of gorgeous, intelligent, kind, funny, loyal, trustworthy, wealthy, generous, single men around. If you expect all those things, you will probability be waiting forever! I know women who expect the fairy tale and they're still single.

It's not about settling, its about finding someone who's good qualities suit you and whose negatives you can live with. We're all different.

AuntieMarys · 08/05/2019 06:56

I "settled" in my first marriage as did ex. We were mid 30s.
Lasted 20 years.
Married for love the 2nd time

Rain0ntheW1nd0w · 08/05/2019 06:59

I know a few people that have been married for 50 or 60 years. They would never describe their marriage as settling. They feel lucky to have found a good partner, children, to live through the good & bad times.

Sexnotgender · 08/05/2019 07:02

Nope, definitely didn’t settle.

outvoid · 08/05/2019 07:04

No, that is a ridiculous notion. People don’t just marry for the sake of marrying in the 21st century, there’s really no reason to.

BroomstickOfLove · 08/05/2019 07:08

We've been together for almost 25 years, and there have been times during those years where it's felt more like friendship, companionship and teamwork combined with a bit of irritation than romance, but those times generally coincide with other life difficulties and we always fall back in love with other again after a while. I've certainly never met anyone who I think would have been a better person to spend my life with. I don't think that that's settling - I think it's what long term love looks like

NameChangeNugget · 08/05/2019 07:08

I've come across a lot of emotionally immature men that expect lifelong relationships to have the passion of the first few months

I don’t think that’s it’s just men to be honest. 35 years+ down the line and we’re as happy, emotionally and sexually as when we started dating.

I do think people find time for what they see as important.

freetone · 08/05/2019 07:08

I’m not sure really. I’ve experienced secondhand a lot of different kinds of relationships and marriages. A few people do ‘put up and shut up’ as it were. Especially if there are children involved but I think it takes the bigger person to stay together ‘for the kids’ if they don’t really want to be there. I was worried about my DF as him and his partner were overweight when they got together. Now she has lost all that weight and he remains the same, I was a little scared she might leave him for someone more ‘skinny’! Daft I know but people change and move on all the time

flowersinthebedroom · 08/05/2019 07:13

No, didn't settle here. He's fucking amazing. We've been together 16yrs and still adore each other.

RottnestFerry · 08/05/2019 07:14

It's a bit of an odd choice of words in the OP. What does settle mean? To me it's a positive thing. If you don't settle, surely you don't stay.

PirateWeasel · 08/05/2019 07:15

I had an Anne of Green Gables experience. All through my 20s I had this ideal of what I wanted in a man. I met my Gilbert when I was almost 30 and he was nothing like the ideal man I'd pictured all my life... But I quickly realized I couldn't live without him. Some might argue I settled, but personally I think he's way better for me than Mr Dream Man would have been. Sure he's a pain in the bum sometimes but aren't they all? 😂 I couldn't be happier! When you know, you know.

Drogosnextwife · 08/05/2019 07:20

I feel like I have a bit, bit them our relationship can be fractious a lot of the time.
I know for a fact my friend did, she basic told be in a half joking sort of way.
Neither of us are married abut have been with these people a long time but have no plans to actually get married.

RickOShay · 08/05/2019 07:21

Great post @goldenchicken
I agree with you.

FookMeFookYou · 08/05/2019 07:22

I never settle for anyone or anything. Been together 15 yrs and my feelings only get stronger.

Onescaredmuma · 08/05/2019 07:24

I didn't but then DH let me down badly I want nothing more than to go back to the days where I adored him. He's a good man and a good father he's still my best friend and I do love him but not in the all consuming way I once did. I'm trying so hard get back there as I don't want this to be it for us. I hope your friend is wrong I'd hate to think it was true. Although regarding your other friend she may not have settled DH was my best friend I was in an abusive relationship DH helped me get out and build me back up and then one day while I was watching him teaching his hobby it just hit me how amazing he was and I acted on it knowing he'd liked me for ages. I was smitten and totally in love with him for 13 years you never know we may fight through this and get it back

Swipe left for the next trending thread