To think friends child should be out of nappies

[FreshAprilStart]

Context. My friend is brilliant. Such a great mum, does so much with her children and very loving and kind. But. She gets very anxious about them and managing change.

When asked, I've always been reassuring about things like co-sleeping and so on and fussy eating and saying it all falls into place in time which it usually does.

The thing is that her DD is quite tall for her age and nearly 4 now but is still in nappies. No issues or special needs. The nursery has even said they want to get her out of nappies soon as it's now becoming noticed by other kids. My friend just ignores it all.

I've been as supportive as I can, soothing and encouraging but she seems stuck in the 'it's fine at this age' and won't tackle it. I'm getting more and more frustrated when she seeks more assurances. Her DD is adorable but I'm beginning to think she'll be in nappies at school at this rate.

Would you say something or stay out of it?

My nine year old still fits int o size six aldi, pull ups owner when we are desperate,obviously we get them on the NHS ,but they don't last.

Just tell her. If there’s no SN there’s no reason, if her nursery is pushing it they obviously think she’s been ready for a while. You’re her friend, you should be able to say nicely she’s a bit old now, she needs to get ready for school, have you tried xyz?

A woman asked on my local Facebook group last year what they do at school about nappies, should she put some in her daughter’s book bag. She was told by absolutely everyone to sort it out before her child goes to school, gets picked on by other kids and makes a school teacher change nappies for a kid with no SN.

Years ago kids were out of nappies at 18 months - the whole ‘some kids just aren’t ready’ is rubbish. Some kids don’t show signs they’re ‘ready’, they need training (hence potty training). Waiting until they want to do it is fine, but if they get to 3 and haven’t wanted to it’s time to start teaching them

My DD still struggles a lot, aged 4 and in Reception. No major SEN, but serious bowel problems for quite some time that went unnoticed for at least a year.

If she's asking for your opinion it's fine to say:

"You should go for it, I think she's ready."

If she's saying "I don't think she's ready don't you agree?" then you can talk about chocolate muffins instead.

Not rocket science.

'Years ago kids were out of nappies at 18 months - the whole ‘some kids just aren’t ready’ is rubbish"

My aunt always laughs at this assertion people come out with. She says in her day kids were out of nappies earlier but they would also have constant accidents. She toilet trained early as it was the norm and wished she hadn't as one of my cousin's really struggled and ended up with UTI's and a lot of anxiety around the toilet. She felt like if she'd waited a year it could have all been avoided.

I lived in a country where school (free) started at 2.5 years old. Kids had to be toilet trained. Many still weren't trained at 3 but would just wet themselves every day - despite the school and parents best efforts (obviously as they didn't want to deal with wee bloody everywhere).

It would be unusual but not unheard of at 4 not to be ready (a girl in youngest's class is 5 and still has almost daily accidents) so it would seem logical to at least try if there's no compelling reason not to.

I think there's probably room to ask what her plans are for school in September (assuming you're in England), if she raises it again. I would also try gently to point out that most children are daytime trained at this age, so whilst being 4 and in nappies is not extreme it is also not the norm.

Not toilet trained at 4? So starting school in September? Can’t believe people think this is ok.

My DC was four, almost at school. DC had a poo-ing phobia caused by previous constipation. Some reasons are very hidden. I would have been mortified to know that one of my friends was judging me.

My DD is at nursery school and there are several kids there (4yo) who are toilet training still.

At 4 she should have at least had a go. My 4yo was potty trained at 2 when the HV advised. Be kind, supportive and encouraging to your friend.

At the very least she should take her daughter into the bathroom or bedroom to change her.

Next time she asks you, suggest she discusses with her health visitor, who will hopefully look at bigger picture and see if there's any other developmental concerns.

I'm another whose kid could have been described like this who ended up with an autism (and other stuff) diagnosis.

If there’s no SN there’s no reason

Not true. My not SN child had constipation from birth which caused toilet avoidance. I was at my wit’s end potty training, which took two years, not because I couldn’t be bothered.

I'm no expert, but I recall reading something about a window of opportunity for potty training. For NT children, leaving it too late can lead to the child becoming used to ignoring the signals, which then makes it more difficult when later trying to potty train.

There’ll be plenty along mentioning SN etc, but 4 is really late for a child to be in nappies.

Not always that black and white. My 4YO is out of nappies in the day but uses one to poop in due to being terrified of the toilet. She will happily wee in them though!

I’ve been told it’s quite a common issue and not to worry too much about it!

It is a big deal if she's going to school in nappies. Is not the teachers' job to toilet train or change nappies at 4.

And i reiterate sometimes at four SEN are not always apparent if you have kids that toilet trained at 2 with little issues than you have no idea

It is quite frankly bizarre that an otherwise attentive parent of a normally developing child wouldn't have even started potty training by 4. DS had major issues with constipation, withholding and lack of sensation and was not successfully on the toilet all day until nearly 4. But the potty, pirate Pete book etc were introduced as concepts from around 2.

I try not to discuss outside of family and close friends as it is his personal information and he might not want everyone knowing when he is older.

My 4YO is out of nappies in the day but uses one to poop in due to being terrified of the toilet. She will happily wee in them though!

This was my DC!

Years ago kids were out of nappies at 18 months - the whole ‘some kids just aren’t ready’ is rubbish"

I think that a lot of children weren't trained exactly, they were toileted and the incentive to do so was cutting down on washing when it was more difficult and harder work. Having said that none of my friends or family had any trouble training our children at 2, whereas now 3 seems more common. I think that more absorbent disposable nappies have a lot to do with it, as they prevent children realising they are wet, so the association between weeing and being uncomfortable isn't made.

That maybe yoshi but schools thankfully have to be inclusive these days and have to accept children in nappies and according to the ERIC guidelines leaving a child soiled and or wet can be deemed as neglect .

DD1 used the potty from her 2nd birthday onwards, DD2 took a little longer.. just giving this background so you realise it is not all down to laziness of the parents.

DS never did a solid poo. You try potty training a toddler who has constant diarrhoea. He was under the paediatricians.

He was nearly 4 when we finally managed it and I was pretty chuffed with that TBH!

I did not discuss this with anyone and everyone! It was noone elses business.

How near to 4 is 'nearly 4' anyway OP? That can be subjective.

Tbh if she is asking for assurance you aren’t a great friend saying yes .

I would be well now it’s summer perfect time to start.

It has to be done at some point.

The idea the nursery will do it is frustrating. It’s. It nurseries job . I am a cm . I expect parents to at least do first week end before I take over.

My oldest child struggled with getting out of nappies. It was a hideous experience. He was clearly continent but he refused to use a potty or a toilet. He had an experienced childminder and a great preschool/nursery. Neither had any success. The HV couldn't;t offer any help either.

He was later diagnosed with dyspraxia. One of the first questions they asked was about toilet training. I had no idea. He then added a diagnosis of autism to this. All totally unknown at the age of three and four.

Meanwhile arrogant and ignorant folk such as Copperandtod (and many more of you on this thread) were happily judging with their stupid little mantras like "Kids that “aren’t ready” are kids whose parents can’t be bothered".