To think friends child should be out of nappies

[FreshAprilStart]

Context. My friend is brilliant. Such a great mum, does so much with her children and very loving and kind. But. She gets very anxious about them and managing change.

When asked, I've always been reassuring about things like co-sleeping and so on and fussy eating and saying it all falls into place in time which it usually does.

The thing is that her DD is quite tall for her age and nearly 4 now but is still in nappies. No issues or special needs. The nursery has even said they want to get her out of nappies soon as it's now becoming noticed by other kids. My friend just ignores it all.

I've been as supportive as I can, soothing and encouraging but she seems stuck in the 'it's fine at this age' and won't tackle it. I'm getting more and more frustrated when she seeks more assurances. Her DD is adorable but I'm beginning to think she'll be in nappies at school at this rate.

Would you say something or stay out of it?

I'd stay out of it, unless she asks/mentions it - in which case tell her she needs to get on with it!

Copperandtod has it absolutely right. It's inept parenting to the max . Poor child. Meanwhile 'everyone should mind their own business ' ?? Really.
IF you really are a good friend then step up and tell her to stop being so bloody lazy. She may be 'anxious' but needs to get a grip and get on with it.

She's asking for my assurance that's it's fine, not my advice.

Sorry for venting here, I just had to say it somewhere as it's on the tip of my tongue.

My DS was not out of nappies by 4. He simply was not ready, and when it was 'forced' (because his pre-school insisted and other people started making comments) before he was ready he just got urinary tract infections because he was too scared to go to the toilet.

He was subsequently diagnosed with ASD and dyspraxia.

I would say if you are asked (and only if)then suggest she talks with her GP.

Just seen your update! A child who is very vocal and talkative but lies down to get her nappy changed just seems weird if she has no SN! Her mum won't be doing her any favours when she gets to school.

I expect there's more to.it than you realise ,I have a disabled nine yr old nappies trust me it's not fun to be changing an older child s nappy .

If she asks your opinion I would give it gently. That said I'm not sure how you're so sure she's ready for potty training - yes at 4 almost all kids are but the fact that she's bright and tall doesn't preclude her from being behind in this particular area.

Have you asked her "how's the toilet training going?"? It might be a good way of suggesting she gets a move on with it

Why does she say she's not potty training yet?
Why don't you bring it up and say: "how are you going to do potty training?"
Then you might get more of an idea why she's not doing it.

A potty for a 4 year old? You’d need to get it specially made at long tall sally

I definitely wouldn't use Copprandtod's words but if if your friend says its fine at this age, you could say its a bit unusual and ask her if she has tried to take her DD out of nappies. If she has tried without success, that is understandable, but keeping her DD in nappies just out of habit when she is of an age to use the toilet is very unfair on the child.

Would you not just ask her why she hasn't started training? If there were any issues then the nursery would be aware and wouldn't be pushing for it to be done. Next time she's changing a nappy ask her when she plans to toilet train. If she's asking for your assurance that it's fine, be honest and tell her it's far from fine.

My DS referred to children he saw wearing nappies as babies, not in an unkind way, this was when he was only 2 to 3 years old himself. I agree with HipHop that it could start to affect her socially soon.

I've just mentioned the height as she would probably be more comfortable on the toilet now than a potty.

Next time she tries to get you to agree that it's fine, ask her what her plan for potty training is. Ask her if she's seen any of the signs that her might be ready to train. You can have a conversation about it without giving her advice or an opinion either way on whether the child should still be in nappies or not.

Do you have experience that you can try and relate with her on, either with how you felt before you started potty training or how you anticipate feeling when it's time?

If your friend is asking your opinion you should give her your honest one. The child's size is irrelevant,but if she is nearly 4 yrs old she should be out of nappies during the daytime at least. Is your friend making any attempt at getting her child toilet trained at all?

Maybe try and ask your friend what she thinks about the nappy situation. If she suffers from anxiety and needs your reassurance, perhaps there's something else going on? DH really struggles with toilet training because he has severe OCD and can't handle the idea of children's hands on the toilet. I honestly think if I wasn't here, our nearly 5 year old would still be in nappies.
It might not be bad parenting, or laziness. It might be something more.

You don't sound like you are venting; you sound like a nice friend. But I don't think that should stop you being honest about how you are feeling if you are asked, though obviously in a tactful way.

She's asking for my assurance that's it's fine, not my advice.

I think if she’s raising the topic then it’s fine to comment but I definitely wouldn’t bring it up unless she does.

Next time could you say something like “I think most children of this age are out of nappies but of course they’re all ready at different times. Why don’t you have a chat with the health visitor if you want some reassurance?”

Perhaps that might prompt her to talk to her HV or another professional who could advise her.

Can you buy her dd a toilet seat, something with an image on she might like?
tell your friend you saw it and thought it so sweet you had yo buy it for her dd to try when ready.

A four year old certainly shouldn't still be in nappies. I didn't even think a four year old could fit into nappies

Absolutely none of your business

DD2 still struggles with continence now... aged 6. She has chronic constipation which has buggered up her bowel to the extent that she's only got minimal feeling or awareness of needing to go.

At age 4 I had only just begun to have the sneaking suspicion encopresis was what we were looking at as an issue - and the local continence part of the healthy family team (our school nurses and health visitors are merged under that banner) had so far lost 3 referrals of us asking for help by then (by the time referral number 3 wasn't lost we'd got on a fairly manageable footing ourselves by sheer tenacity and the power of google). There is minimal bordering on fuck-all support out there until they've started school - by which time you've had the barrage of indignant MN twats going on about how kids were potty trained at 1 month old when they were kids, lazy parenting, yadda yadda yadda...

DD2 - very very intelligent little girl - just has a range of issues we're increasingly finding are all interconnected - but the pieces of the puzzle didn't start to slot into place until she was well into age 5/6 if I'm honest.

We had her in pants incidentally - with a hell of a lot of laundry, stress and heartache for myself - because I feared how society would judge me if she was still in nappies... but by heck - movicol disimpactions in knickers are bloody grim as fuck.

GirlFliesHome It's rarely documented anywhere online but I've read a number of academic texts linking continence issues and dyspraxia (Lois Addy mentions it as does Madeleine Portwood I think it is and they're both the academia dyspraxia gurus) - it was definitely a massive element in the web of issues with DD2. Even now I'd say we only maintain continence by timed toilet sits and medication - it's not embedded naturally yet - and DD2 is 6. Either I've failed as a parent because of this - or I'm bloody awesome as a parent because I've got to that point against all the odds... 99% of the time I choose to believe the latter.

If she is asking for your assurance, then I think you can say something. Be kind. If the child knows she needs her nappy changed, she knows when she's wee'd or poo'd, so is probably capable of using the loo.

If she's asking you for reassurance that it's fine then she is putting you in quite a difficult spot; you don't want to lie, but you can't give her what she wants. I think I'd restrict myself to looking awkward and not answering at this point. Surely she'd spot your reluctance to answer?