To not let him blow out the candles on the birthday cake?

[TommeeTippedOver]

NC for this.

It was DD's first birthday at the weekend. We had a little party at home, just family and a few friends. I make cakes as a hobby, and can spend quite a lot of time doing the decorations, so I really went to town on DD's cake.

Our nephew is four. We have quite a lot of nephews and nieces, so quite a lot of birthday parties to go to, and at every one, since nephew was about two, he has demanded to be allowed to blow out the birthday child's candles. This results in him screaming and stamping as Happy Birthday is sung, then SIL will appear with a lighter to relight the cake and allow DN to blow them out again. This is usually accompanied by DN grabbing the cake, fingers in icing, being allowed to pull odd fondant decorations, and blowing so hard that spit flies all over the cake, because he's four and that's what they do. This is where I may be unreasonable - other people's spit really, really turns my stomach. I can deal with anything else, blood, poo, and vomit but I can't abide spit, to the point where I have started gagging after seeing someone spit in the street. So I accept this may be my issue.

DD's birthday was really more of an adult family get together, as most first birthdays are,so as well as serving it to other adults, I wanted to have some of the cake myself. DD, being a baby, didn't really "blow out" her candle, I "helped" her, and then whisked it off to the kitchen, pretending I didn't hear DN complaining about not getting to blow it out.

SIL then came in and asked could she have the cake, as she wanted to light it and then let DN blow it out. I said no, sorry, I'm just in the middle of cutting it up. SIL started to hover and look over my shoulder, and said "but he always blows out the cake". I said "well I'm sure he won't mind missing out this once". Sil stormed off and spent the rest of the time glaring at me.

She stomped off in a huff at the end of the day. DH says I should have just let DN blow out the candle, but went silent after I pointed out that if every non birthday child at a party insisted on blowing candles out, you'd have to add an extra hour to every party. Plus I didn't want my cake absolutely decimated before serving it to anybody.

I probably am being precious and am going to get flamed, but was I really mean?

YANBU as so many others have said. I had an issue with a child this week and I flatly refused to do what they wanted. The parent said, "oh but they get so upset if they don't get their own way"........

Yes, and that is exactly why it is time that somebody stood their ground and said NO!

Your DN behaviour will continue until SIL puts him in his place. Just ignore her.

When my sons have had small family parties,we have let nieces and nephews blow out the candles.However,my SIL didn't expect it to happen.So yes she is being very rude and entitled.She is going to be a bundle of laughs when her little cherub starts school and goes to friends parties!

Absolutely not. Spit all over any food to be shared is a no no and anyway, sounds like nephew is a spoilt little brat, about time someone said no to the wee lamb. Good for you!

@diddl Here in Germany it's not a thing to have candles on the cake but in a seperate wooden ring.

Errr speak for yourself! Maybe in your small corner of Germany! It very much is a thing too in many German families!

Omg, yadnbu.

I can't believe your sil lets him do that. Even my highly strung 3 year old knows that other people have birthdays. It's terrible behaviour. His parents should have just nipped it in the bud straight away.

It's the SIL that's the problem here. The nephew is just a product of bet parenting and the example she's setting him.

She clearly wants him to be the centre of attention at every event, even if just for a minute and seems it will be worse for you OP, because you had a girl which she's not happy about. She probably thinks it takes the shine off her boy (which it doesn't) and she's trying to put him back into centre stage.

Well done you for not putting up with it!

Rude of her to ask

Yanbu. I would have refused her as well. Like you, polite but resolute. Not his birthday, not his cake, not his turn. Sil is outrageous to glare then leave in a huff. What a silly bitch.

Good for you for not succumbing to toddler tyranny.

Is she your husband's sister or your brother's wife?

Tessa you sound like you're going to be raising an army of brats. Every kid gets to blow out the candles? Twatty behaviour.

I remember bratty niece opening my dd's presents during her 3rd birthday. I was livid. SIL sat simpering. I wish I'd said something now. She was a right knob.

Best spit protection is to put some cling film over the top of the cake and pierce the candles through it. After they’ve blown out the candles you take them out and just whip away the cling film!

YANBU Horrible, spoilt brat. He'll be a nightmare when he starts school and cannot have his own way all the time.

Pud2 - what a fab idea! How did I manage to raise 3 kids without thinking of that?!?!
And well done OP for not pandering to the bratty behaviour or encouraging it. Yes, toddlers sometimes think “ooh, candles, blow them out” but by 4 he should know otherwise or be being taught so.

Poor kid. Your SIL (and her partner?) need a good slap.

What does SIL think will happen if at DNs birthday someone demands to blow out the candles on his cake. Don't think he would be too pleased. SIL needs to tell DN it's not his birthdayir cake.

The spit thing may have been something you un necessarily worried about.

But yanbu to expect the birthday to child to blow out the candles. Then singing etc ends!

YANBU why should he get to blow out the candles on other people's cakes? I bet he'd absolutely loose his mind if other people blew out his birthday candles. His mum relighting the candles when the cake is still on the table is madness enough but to actually follow you into the kitchen to get the cake back is permissive parenting in the extreme.

Everyone blows out the candles in our family, and makes a wish

I think calling a four year old who has been indulged and encouraged to expect this privilege a horrible spoilt brat is unfair. It’s not the lad’s fault. He’s four. What else does he know but what his mum says?

Yanbu!
It's the SIL who is the entitled brat in this situation, not her child. I feel a bit sorry for the little guy. Of course a 4 year old is going to have a strop if he wants to blow out the candles, but at that age he is old enough for someone (his DM) to help him understand that it's not the way things go at parties.
She's being rather unkind to him really. She should be teaching him basic social etiquette and showing him how to behave! Reception year parties are going to be a bit of an eye opener for them both!

No you were right not to let him. He sounds like a brat and his mother needs to stop giving him his own way!!

I think this is the unanimous thread I've seen in AIBU

I'd have done the very same, OP.

SIL needs to cop on. She's doing her son absolutely no favours by indulging him like that.

I’m with you on this one OP, spit is absolutely disgusting whether it be a child’s or not.
You did the right thing, your SIL needs to learn to say the word no to her DC, just ridiculous.