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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let him blow out the candles on the birthday cake?

327 replies

TommeeTippedOver · 07/05/2019 08:08

NC for this.

It was DD's first birthday at the weekend. We had a little party at home, just family and a few friends. I make cakes as a hobby, and can spend quite a lot of time doing the decorations, so I really went to town on DD's cake.

Our nephew is four. We have quite a lot of nephews and nieces, so quite a lot of birthday parties to go to, and at every one, since nephew was about two, he has demanded to be allowed to blow out the birthday child's candles. This results in him screaming and stamping as Happy Birthday is sung, then SIL will appear with a lighter to relight the cake and allow DN to blow them out again. This is usually accompanied by DN grabbing the cake, fingers in icing, being allowed to pull odd fondant decorations, and blowing so hard that spit flies all over the cake, because he's four and that's what they do. This is where I may be unreasonable - other people's spit really, really turns my stomach. I can deal with anything else, blood, poo, and vomit but I can't abide spit, to the point where I have started gagging after seeing someone spit in the street. So I accept this may be my issue.

DD's birthday was really more of an adult family get together, as most first birthdays are,so as well as serving it to other adults, I wanted to have some of the cake myself. DD, being a baby, didn't really "blow out" her candle, I "helped" her, and then whisked it off to the kitchen, pretending I didn't hear DN complaining about not getting to blow it out.

SIL then came in and asked could she have the cake, as she wanted to light it and then let DN blow it out. I said no, sorry, I'm just in the middle of cutting it up. SIL started to hover and look over my shoulder, and said "but he always blows out the cake". I said "well I'm sure he won't mind missing out this once". Sil stormed off and spent the rest of the time glaring at me.

She stomped off in a huff at the end of the day. DH says I should have just let DN blow out the candle, but went silent after I pointed out that if every non birthday child at a party insisted on blowing candles out, you'd have to add an extra hour to every party. Plus I didn't want my cake absolutely decimated before serving it to anybody.

I probably am being precious and am going to get flamed, but was I really mean?

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 07/05/2019 13:30

Definitely SIL needs to grow up first!

If you pander to her now you'll have more chance that you have to pander to her every time. For example, DN will pull toys off your DD, but SIL will say "it's his favourite toy", he'll push and she'll say "he was helping along".

By being clear now you can stand your ground in the future and say no in potentially awkward situations... "no snatching/pushing here". Your SIL will know that you are not following her whims!

Give yourself a pat on the back and keep being direct!

Omzlas · 07/05/2019 13:37

YADNBU

She needs to give her head a wobble

It's these parents who then go on to wonder why their child is a brat

GnomeDePlume · 07/05/2019 13:49

YANBU but I will go against the grain and say that DN isnt a brat. He is only 4 and is not being helped to learn social rules by his DM. At some point he will come down with a bump and end up getting very hurt in the process.

KM99 · 07/05/2019 13:54

Londonmummy66 spot on!

This poor kid is going to have a rude awakening as he gets older if his parents don't start laying some boundaries.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/05/2019 13:56

YANBU but I will go against the grain and say that DN isnt a brat. He is only 4 and is not being helped to learn social rules by his DM. At some point he will come down with a bump and end up getting very hurt in the process.

I don't actually think that opinion is against the grain considering the OP herself has said it's the SIL who promotes this attention seeking shit all the time

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 07/05/2019 13:58

I remember a girl blowing out the candles on my birthday cake when I was 8.

I’m now 37.

Her parents were ineffectual pandering wet lettuces too.

ThursdayLastWeek · 07/05/2019 14:00

There’s a big difference between relighting the candles for every child at the party (with good spirits) and one individual insisting it be done for them/their child.

I’ve had friends relight the candles for about 10 children and you're right - it’s funny and everyone is delighted to get a turn.

But if my kid kicked off at a party where this wasn’t an option I’d be taking them out of the room for a talking too!

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 07/05/2019 14:02

her DS is heading for a sharp elbow in the ribs at someone else's birthday party and no mistake.

Shadycorner · 07/05/2019 14:07

Yes I've had sil ask me if her visiting DD could open one of dd's birthday presents before DD had had the chance! At least she asked I suppose ...although I still found it rather cheeky tbh!

igotdemons · 07/05/2019 14:10

Ugh, I can’t stand that kind of pandering to kids - it means they will almost always grow up to be selfish and entitled adults! 😠 Well done for not enabling your SIL’s twattish behaviour.

When my Dnephews and Dnieces were little, my DM would insist that the birthday girl or boys siblings got presents too so they ‘wouldn’t feel left out’!! 🙄😠 Totally ridiculous and they subsequently all grew up to be entitled (they’re all in their 20’s now).

purpletangerine · 07/05/2019 14:17

I would have done the same as you did! Child and mum need to learn

GnomeDePlume · 07/05/2019 16:01

AryaStarkWolf sorry, at the time I started writing my post an awful lot of people were describing the child as a brat. It was that I was going against.

I agree this is a problem of the mother's creating and will end up hurting the child when he starts school. IME overindulged children often end up very unhappy at some point.

MissEliza · 07/05/2019 16:50

My dh's dns have always been allowed to do this. It's so irritating. Luckily we only spend one of my dc's birthdays with them when we visit in the summer. They also have to get presents on the day as well as my dd. Once my MIL asked me to hide my DD's gifts so her cousins wouldn't be jealous. As a result my dd is really starting to resent her cousins, if not actually dislike them.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 07/05/2019 17:08

As a result my dd is really starting to resent her cousins, if not actually dislike them

And that’s such a shame @misseliza but it proves the point: as parents we have a responsibility to our children to do whatever we can to just shut down bratty behaviours as early as poss, even if it means they go apeshit, for the sake of their social future.

MissEliza · 07/05/2019 18:28

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut That's very true. I remember one year complaining to my df about it and he said, well your dd will be the better person for it.

gingerbiscuits · 07/05/2019 18:43

Hahaha- good for you!! Def not unreasonable. Your rude SIL & DN need to learn!!

YemenRoadYemen · 07/05/2019 19:25

I'm all about choosing your battles

I think all of us are (surely), and this is a battle that's well worth choosing.

And why does one entitled child get chosen above everyone else to be 'placated' and pandered to, while the well-behaving children don't get any special treatment?

Cherrysoup · 07/05/2019 20:00

More the sil’s fault than the dn’s, given she’s allowed and encouraged it. Poor kid. I wouldn’t have placated him either, that would just pander to the lack of boundaries. Hope his mum reads this and recognises herself.

Gth1234 · 07/05/2019 21:12

You are the royal family and I claim my five pounds.

specterlitt · 08/05/2019 01:24

Nope, you are not being unreasonable at all and good on you for standing up against such behaviour. His mother needs to put some boundaries in place and make him understand other peoples birthday is not about him and he cannot blow out the candles on their cake. Sure, the first ever time he wanted to may have been cute, but it is NOT a behaviour that should be encouraged.

If his mother now has a problem - so be it. She is only creating a child that no one will want around at parties if she doesn't nip this in the bud soon.

Once again, well done to you OP! I hope the rest of the other family members follow suit and don't entertain this entitled behaviour. It will only get worse. If he wants to sulk - let him. He will eventually get over it, he only does it because he knows he can. Once his mum steps in and remembers she needs to parent this behaviour - it will stop.

Here's to more birthday cakes without nephew spit! Hooray!

Skittlesandbeer · 08/05/2019 01:56

I’d double down with SIL, after this party experience. I’d ring her and say that, actually, you were really pleased with how the cake bit went and you’d like to keep going with just the birthday child doing the blowing out. Say you loved being able to cut up the cake straight after, and your DD felt really special being the only ‘blower’. End it with, ‘after all, DN is big enough to handle it now’.

Repeat sunnily to all the family.

If that’s too ballsy to contemplate, tell them all you like to take pics of the cake afterwards for Insta, and as you cut it. No need for any toddler playtime to come between blowing & cutting/serving. Given you put so much time & effort into the cakes, it would be a legitimate reason for whisking it away quickly. You’re allowed to be proud of your work.

SemperIdem · 08/05/2019 02:04

I’m fascinated by all the previous posters “he’s four“ as though being 4 is tantamount to being a fully grown adult deliberately ignoring established social etiquette Hmm

Op - your SIL is a behaving like a tit, your nephew is being a 4 year old.

Sleepinginthebathroom · 08/05/2019 02:07

I have a ton of cousins and growing up the birthday kid would blow out the candles
But then they would relight the candles for every single one of us cousins. We all absolutely loved it and I definitely asked to do it at other kids parties too, I wasn't a brat and neither were my cousin's. Maybe the other side of his family are ok with him doing it?

We all got to do it on every birthday, so it was pretty fair, and the honour was being the birthday kid and getting to do it first!

..I do shudder at the thought of how much spit must have been on those cakes though.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 08/05/2019 02:30

^ boak

StoppinBy · 08/05/2019 02:33

We only have a few kids in the family so while they were little, yes we did relight them for every kid that wanted to blow them out but I don't think you are unfair to say no if you don't want to do that.

I do think that as he is family and not just some random friend from school/kindy that you could have easily stuck a candle in to his own piece of cake as a compromise, kids love blowing out the candles and they don't get many chances to do it.

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