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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let him blow out the candles on the birthday cake?

327 replies

TommeeTippedOver · 07/05/2019 08:08

NC for this.

It was DD's first birthday at the weekend. We had a little party at home, just family and a few friends. I make cakes as a hobby, and can spend quite a lot of time doing the decorations, so I really went to town on DD's cake.

Our nephew is four. We have quite a lot of nephews and nieces, so quite a lot of birthday parties to go to, and at every one, since nephew was about two, he has demanded to be allowed to blow out the birthday child's candles. This results in him screaming and stamping as Happy Birthday is sung, then SIL will appear with a lighter to relight the cake and allow DN to blow them out again. This is usually accompanied by DN grabbing the cake, fingers in icing, being allowed to pull odd fondant decorations, and blowing so hard that spit flies all over the cake, because he's four and that's what they do. This is where I may be unreasonable - other people's spit really, really turns my stomach. I can deal with anything else, blood, poo, and vomit but I can't abide spit, to the point where I have started gagging after seeing someone spit in the street. So I accept this may be my issue.

DD's birthday was really more of an adult family get together, as most first birthdays are,so as well as serving it to other adults, I wanted to have some of the cake myself. DD, being a baby, didn't really "blow out" her candle, I "helped" her, and then whisked it off to the kitchen, pretending I didn't hear DN complaining about not getting to blow it out.

SIL then came in and asked could she have the cake, as she wanted to light it and then let DN blow it out. I said no, sorry, I'm just in the middle of cutting it up. SIL started to hover and look over my shoulder, and said "but he always blows out the cake". I said "well I'm sure he won't mind missing out this once". Sil stormed off and spent the rest of the time glaring at me.

She stomped off in a huff at the end of the day. DH says I should have just let DN blow out the candle, but went silent after I pointed out that if every non birthday child at a party insisted on blowing candles out, you'd have to add an extra hour to every party. Plus I didn't want my cake absolutely decimated before serving it to anybody.

I probably am being precious and am going to get flamed, but was I really mean?

OP posts:
SavingSpaces2019 · 08/05/2019 02:35

I have never seen another child be allowed to blow out the candles at DN's birthday parties. In fact, SIL doesn't even cut the cake
Remind her of this when she next gives you attitude - cos you know she will.

Next year, remind her beforehand or otherwise you will have to tell dn 'no' in front of everyone.

Durgasarrow · 08/05/2019 02:39

You're doing that brat a favor.

Bahhhhhumbug · 08/05/2019 03:06

This was probably how my adult stepson was indulged as a child. Fast forward twenty years, on spotting chocolate éclairs in our fridge (treat for me and dh) asked if he could just eat the chocolate off the top as he doesn't like cream. He could see nothing wrong with this request and l suspect DH was seriously considering it till l threw him 'the look'

NewYoiker · 08/05/2019 03:26

@Bahhhhhumbug no way!!

AgentJohnson · 08/05/2019 03:39

She either needs to bring her own cake for him to blow the candles out or she needs to stop indulging him, neither option requires your input.

Do not get me started on the madness of buying gifts for non birthday children because they are jealous of the birthday child getting gifts.

ooft · 08/05/2019 03:53

YANBU

GnomeDePlume · 08/05/2019 04:08

He's not a brat just a little boy who hasnt yet been taught how to not expect the world to revolve around him. All children need to learn that, it's just that most children are taught that at an earlier age.

Parent fail not child fail.

RainbowWaffles · 08/05/2019 04:51

I’m fascinated by all the previous posters “he’s four“ as though being 4 is tantamount to being a fully grown adult deliberately ignoring established social etiquette hmm

That isn’t the point being made. It’s that at four, he is capable of understanding when established social etiquette is explained to him. If we indulge our children in this manner they grow up to be adults oblivious to aforementioned social etiquette.

pissedonatrain · 08/05/2019 05:19

Well done for putting a stop to that nonsense in your house.

Sure he is four, but his parents are supposed to be teaching him about social etiquette for that age.

SIL will wonder why he won't be invited to parties. I wouldn't be surprised if another child pops him in the nose or pulls his hair eventually for pulling the stunt.

Reward good behaviour not bad.

Driftingthoughlife · 08/05/2019 05:29

We had an issue with my nephew insisting on “helping” people open their birthday presents. Obviously this began with family but SIL could not understand why other kids might not want nephew to help them. Oh and by help I mean he opens the present himself

NowWeAreSuckingDiesel · 08/05/2019 05:40

This is a massive bug bear of mine. We have a spoiled nephew too who is 3. He opens his sister and cousins presents, wants to blow out their candles and his parents do shit all...

musicalxo · 08/05/2019 05:40

Yeah gross I don't want nobody's spit in my cake. You did right. SIL was being U.

Ihatehashtags · 08/05/2019 05:44

He sounds very indulged and not in a good way. You did the right thing.

TheSerenDipitY · 08/05/2019 06:02

the whole birthday thing is a celebration of the person who is having the anniversary of their birth, its all about them and their day
if you allow someone else to take parts of their day for themselves it takes part of the special-ness of the day away from them
it is the ONE day of the year that the birthday day IS all about them and NO ONE else
by allowing him to blow out the candles or have gifts, on her birthday, means its not really JUST her special day, is it? and even worse when she is old enough to notice, that on HIS birthday SHE doesnt get to blow out candles and help open presents for him or receive any at his party, she will know that HER day is really NOT her day wont she

MaybeitsMaybelline · 08/05/2019 06:13

You’ve done the SIL a favour because I am cringing for her when he goes to his first party with classmates and does this in front of classmates and their parents.

HippyMama90 · 08/05/2019 17:33

I'd have done the exact same thing you did.

As the mother to a 4 year old I'd never allow him to impose on another child's birthday like that. They only get a birthday once a year so it's special for them. He needs to learn not everything is about him.

icanbewhatiwant · 08/05/2019 17:41

I’m glad I’m not the only one not liking spit. We did an experiment at school that involved everyone spitting into a cup and it being passed round. I was almost sick 🤢 I had to leave the room!

nuxe1984 · 08/05/2019 17:41

Sorry, 4 year olds "don't" do that! They know not to grab at food but to wait until a piece of cake has been cut for them. If your DN doesn't know this is how you behave then somebody needs to start teaching him. And the best way to do this is to not let him behave like that.

Besides, why should he get to blow out the candles at every birthday party? It's not his party and it takes some of the "specialness" of the occasion away from the birthday child.

Let your SIL have a huff and stick to your guns.

leomama81 · 08/05/2019 17:47

OMG sorry haven't read the whole thread but the only person being unreasonable here is your SIL! I still remember the bratty kid who blew out my candles on my fourth birthday, and so did my mother and all the other parents there - and no, I don't think he did get invited to many other parties after that. This is just teaching him to be entitled and grabby, absolutely awful. You did absolutely the right thing OP!

INeedAFlerken · 08/05/2019 17:55

Sil herself is something of an attention seeker, she manages to make everyone else's events about her and her child. We waited five years for DD, the child we never thought we'd have. Sil cried tears of rage when she found out it was a girl - the only one in the family.

Yikes! So SIl is an attention seeking monster, and she's raising her child to be the same. Bad Parenting 101 ... deliberately!

You did exactly the right thing. Shame that more people won't stand up to her selfishness. Her child isn't going to be very likeable if his mother is actively supporting and encouraging this kind of behaviour.

leomama81 · 08/05/2019 18:00

That isn’t the point being made. It’s that at four, he is capable of understanding when established social etiquette is explained to him. If we indulge our children in this manner they grow up to be adults oblivious to aforementioned social etiquette.

This.

Spoiled entitled children become spoiled entitled adults.

Missingstreetlife · 08/05/2019 18:00

Empathy and good manners are taught. If not you don't have to give in to rudeness. Well done op

GreenTulips · 08/05/2019 18:05

I’m glad you made a stand, because of you don’t that’s someone else will. SIL needs to know it’s unacceptable

Tessabelle74 · 08/05/2019 18:06

You are most definitely NOT being unreasonable! I hate spit too! Your nephew needs to learn that he has to take a back seat now and again and your SIL needs to grow up!

ToftyAC · 08/05/2019 18:07

YANBU. I have a 4 year old and he knows better than to demand anything - and certainly would not deign to throw a wobbler because he didn’t get to blow the candles out on someone else’s cake! Time your nephew learned the word “no”. And as for your SIL? She needs to grow up & learn how to parent.