Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let him blow out the candles on the birthday cake?

327 replies

TommeeTippedOver · 07/05/2019 08:08

NC for this.

It was DD's first birthday at the weekend. We had a little party at home, just family and a few friends. I make cakes as a hobby, and can spend quite a lot of time doing the decorations, so I really went to town on DD's cake.

Our nephew is four. We have quite a lot of nephews and nieces, so quite a lot of birthday parties to go to, and at every one, since nephew was about two, he has demanded to be allowed to blow out the birthday child's candles. This results in him screaming and stamping as Happy Birthday is sung, then SIL will appear with a lighter to relight the cake and allow DN to blow them out again. This is usually accompanied by DN grabbing the cake, fingers in icing, being allowed to pull odd fondant decorations, and blowing so hard that spit flies all over the cake, because he's four and that's what they do. This is where I may be unreasonable - other people's spit really, really turns my stomach. I can deal with anything else, blood, poo, and vomit but I can't abide spit, to the point where I have started gagging after seeing someone spit in the street. So I accept this may be my issue.

DD's birthday was really more of an adult family get together, as most first birthdays are,so as well as serving it to other adults, I wanted to have some of the cake myself. DD, being a baby, didn't really "blow out" her candle, I "helped" her, and then whisked it off to the kitchen, pretending I didn't hear DN complaining about not getting to blow it out.

SIL then came in and asked could she have the cake, as she wanted to light it and then let DN blow it out. I said no, sorry, I'm just in the middle of cutting it up. SIL started to hover and look over my shoulder, and said "but he always blows out the cake". I said "well I'm sure he won't mind missing out this once". Sil stormed off and spent the rest of the time glaring at me.

She stomped off in a huff at the end of the day. DH says I should have just let DN blow out the candle, but went silent after I pointed out that if every non birthday child at a party insisted on blowing candles out, you'd have to add an extra hour to every party. Plus I didn't want my cake absolutely decimated before serving it to anybody.

I probably am being precious and am going to get flamed, but was I really mean?

OP posts:
Wantopinions · 08/05/2019 19:25

I remember going through a phase like this with my DD. She was younger but would get upset that it wasn't her birthday.
My response: if you don't like it, we won't go to birthday parties again. She soon learned that other people have special days too!

You were not being unreasonable. How embarrassing and entitled of you sister in law.

minababelina · 08/05/2019 19:26

Totally right. Disgusting behaviour from SIL.

Littleheart5 · 08/05/2019 19:38

Absolutely not being unreasonable! This kind of things drives me crazy. 4 is well old enough to be told no. And that when it’s not your birthday you dont get to blow out the candles!

DeniseRoyal · 08/05/2019 19:48

Urgh, yanbu, what an entitled brat your sil is raising Hmm

WhatchaMaCalllit · 08/05/2019 19:54

Next time you're all at your DN's birthday, reverse the situation and see what happens (like what @manicmij wrote) Then you'll definitely get your answer Wink

TriciaH87 · 08/05/2019 20:10

His mum needs to teach him the word no. If it's not his birthday and it's not his cake tough. I bet she doesn't let other kids blow his cake out after. Sounds far too spoilt and it will come back to haunt her in later life.

Catsinthecupboard · 08/05/2019 20:26

You could have compromised; given her a piece of cake and some candles.

Then both of you would have been given the opportunity to discuss your feelings.

Why didn't you? Bc you wanted to control your party. Reasonable, but when dealing with family, a little kindness is well worth the trouble.

You knew it was going to happen (bc it always does) you could have even been ready to give him his own piece.

Flame away mn but nobody has a perfect child and if you treat your sil's son kindly, chances are when your dd is ornery, she will be kind.

Calloway · 08/05/2019 20:27

ornery?

Calloway · 08/05/2019 20:33

The only way this child is going to learn is by not being allowed to blow out candles at another kid's party. There's no point pandering to him by putting candles on a slice. Honestly, it's for his own good, otherwise he'll have a rude awakening when he starts going to classmates' parties.

GreenTulips · 08/05/2019 20:33

Don’t you mean

SIL....could have compromised; given her a piece of cake and some candles

Not OPs problem - SIL wants to avoid the very temper tantrums that actually help children learn social skills

Purplegecko · 08/05/2019 20:53

SIL is as much of a brat as her DS, easy to see where he gets it from

Bahhhhhumbug · 08/05/2019 21:30

Yes NewYoiker he really wanted the chocolate on top so thought this would be fair and we would just have the choux bun and cream after he had eaten the chocolate off the top (and knowing him he probably wouldn't have used a knife he'd have bitten it off... ugh). He was deadly serious and dh was about to consider it if not for me slamming it down. He was brought up as everything was about him, completely indulged. There were treats in the fridge/house for him btw aswell.

hatemyhairhun · 08/05/2019 21:48

I mean it’s eventually going to have to stop - he can’t blow out everyone else’s candles forever. This would have happened sooner or later. I think she’s just being precious - she has obviously built birthday parties to be a ‘him’ event so he can be the centre of attention, it’s shit parenting frankly. If his feelings are hurt, it’s her fault for leading him to believe that this would be a permanent thing and not teaching him more manners.

I reckon other members of your family feel the same - they were probably too timid to do anything though. Spit on cake is beyond gross, especially if it isn’t your own kid but a rando nephew

threedeepatthebar · 08/05/2019 21:49

Can’t stand people letting other kids blow out candles. My MIL relights them several times for extra germs. YAY!

Wineallthetime · 08/05/2019 21:51

Well done for standing up to your sil and saying no. Birthdays are about the birthday child, he’s four, my dd is four and understands the concept. She’s not allowed to blow out her brothers candles, I explain it about taking turns. He needs telling no and then move on.

hatemyhairhun · 08/05/2019 21:55

Also I think you handled it very well. Ignore the posts asking you to pander to them - that’s not going to stop this behaviour long term.

Orchidflower1 · 08/05/2019 22:02

Unless you have a twin nobody but the birthday person should blow out a candle full stop. 🎂

Gigglinghysterically · 08/05/2019 22:12

Sounds like you handled the situation very well OP. I would also not have allowed her to have the cake back to relight the candles but probably not been able to deal with her so nicely.

I would definitely not give DN a slice of cake with candles in it for him to blow out either. He needs to learn that you only have one birthday and not try and take the feeling of being special away from the birthday girl/boy.

Your DM sounds like he'll be a blooming nightmare and SIL needs to learn how to parent properly. Giving in to him will cause her heaps of problems.

Tessabelle74 · 08/05/2019 22:16

Ginger1982
I guess your comment was tagging me by mistake as I didn't say anything of the sort

OrangeSunsets · 08/05/2019 23:07

Your SIL needs to make sure her son knows he isn’t the centre of attention at every party. You are not BU.

When does it end?

My DD at age 4 would have known it wasn’t her cake and as much as she would have loved to have blown out the candles, she knew she couldn’t! She would have been looking forward to her slice of cake though!

You can cling film a cake then stick in the candles to avoid the spit situation Wink

Thequaffle · 08/05/2019 23:13

Nope, there is a limit to the kids are kids thing and your SIL is being over indulgent. he’s old enough to learn it’s not his birthday.

RandomName9 · 08/05/2019 23:24

Birthdays and parties are a big deal in our family, we had a lovely cake handmade for my sons 7th birthday party at the weekend and we had a boy do exactly this.
We lit the cake, sang the birthday song and this boy blew the candles out, not just once but three times. Each time we relit them, turned to get a pic & he had them out. He was 7 and thought it was hilarious, unfortunately my son didn’t & he ended up with an elbow to the ribs for ruining the main part!!! Can’t say I blame him really and the other school parents watching certainly didn’t think it was funny. I think by 4 years old children do need to be taught it is meant just for the birthday child or they won’t be invited to many parties.

EL8888 · 08/05/2019 23:52

I completely agree with the way you handled. Your SIL is way too indulgent and appears to be spoiling him. Everyone needs to learn no and it’s not all about them!

WillLokireturn · 09/05/2019 00:48

Oh please encourage everyone else at the Nephew’s birthday party to have a turn blowing out the candles!!!!

This ^ 😂😂

Then he'll understand .... Can you imagine at DN's 5th birthday ... "Hey SiL stop, why you taking cake😆away? Hands up every child here who has had their own birthday cakes relit as you've insisted DN gets to blow out candles on their cake as well? Well it's now all their turns to do that for his birthday cake as that's what's fair ... Who's got the lighter for the candles? Now come line up children... You can all blow out DN's birthday cake as well.. Don't be shy as we know DN and SIL don't mind since they insist he can do it at your birthdays..." 😆😂😂🎂

jakscrakers · 09/05/2019 01:14

Gawd help the next generation all these children being brought up believing each and everyone is actually the only person on the planet that matters and how everyone else must bend over backwards for them lol oh dear making rods for their own backs some peeps