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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you need to jus lift your child?

270 replies

PugasaurusRex · 06/05/2019 18:01

We had a visiting toddler today. When it was time to go he threw a mega tantrum and refused to leave or to return the toy he had hold of at the time.

His mother just stood there. And stood. And stood. Occasionally calling weakly "George... George.... Time to go now..." George would then bolt back into the playroom.

This went on for the best part of twenty minutes. Eventually he started throwing things at my elderly cat in a rage, so I had to go and physically remove George from the playroom, remove the toy from his grasp, and essentially post him out the front door with his mother trailing behind.

I've seen this in toddler groups too. Child won't put on shoes/leave/come away from the door, and instead of lifting them and removing them the parent just sort of stands and bleats at them.

Am I missing something? Is it now seen as wrong/too strict to tuck your child under your arm and match them off kicking and screaming? Mine are a little past that stage, but I remember it being a fun feature of their toddler years.

I feel that George's mother was quite happy for me to be the bad guy in this scenario... She's a perfectly fit woman so I'm not sure why else lifting the child was beyond her Hmm

OP posts:
Aridane · 06/05/2019 19:36

There was a thread a while back about a dad who couldn't extract his DD from her playdate so went home without her!

That thread was awesome!

BeBesideTheSea · 06/05/2019 19:36

DH picked up DS, then about 4, and carried him under his arm to the car after he refused to leave the supermarket. Someone noted down the car reg and the police turned up at the house later that evening!

BlackeyedGruesome · 06/05/2019 19:36

Yep. Used to dress add child well after normal age. They were given a choice. You do it or I do it. They were given lots of choices. Some were two ways to achieve my preferred outcome... Child in car seat, climb in or lift in? Some not so much ... Apple or pear?

SirGawain · 06/05/2019 19:37

but I don't see any harm in him having choices sometimes, either.
Give me strength!

LouRinging · 06/05/2019 19:37

DD at 3 refused to put her shoes on once when we had to be out the door. I picked her and her shoes up and put her outside the front door, I went out and shut the door. I told her she could either put her shoes on or walk down the road in her socks. She quickly put her shoes on. Kids test boundaries, teach them the boundaries.

BlackeyedGruesome · 06/05/2019 19:38

I have had someone stop and ask about ds in similar circumstances. Rather that then not if someone was trying to nick him.

Original poster
PugasaurusRex · 06/05/2019 19:39

Oh please someone link me to the dad leaving child at playdate thread Grin

OP posts:
FadedRed · 06/05/2019 19:44

DishingOutDone I used to do that with DC’s in reins. Don’t see these much now.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 06/05/2019 19:51

Oh yes, the parents who hope someone else will sort it out Hmm. This is my SIL and BIL with their 6 year old dd who they tend to describe as strong willed. Now I happen to think that's not necessarily a bad thing in little girls given the world tends to work on forcing conformity on them, but in this case psychopathic monster child really is a better description!

She's actually one of 4 so it's not down to lack of experience but her parents seem to be almost afraid of her at this stage so instead of actually dealing with her they either give in and expect everyone else to go along with the ridiculous demanding behaviour OR they look hopefully at another adult (often me!).

Sometimes my firm "I beg your pardon" or "stop that right now" with a stern face really will stop her in her tracks but if she thinks there's any possibility of her mum softening she'll carry on. You can even see her weighing it up as (still dancing with rage) she considers me and side eyes her mum.

I do feel sorry for her because it's not her fault her parents never addressed it. Her first few months of school were hard going for her (though I imagine a thousand times harder for the teacher) because she was so used to adults giving in when she kicked off. Apparently it's no longer a problem in school but outside of school it's enough of an issue that relatives are very reluctant to have her.

Nomorepies · 06/05/2019 19:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Sunsouthotdogbunsout · 06/05/2019 19:56

I’m one of those parents too, DD will get a chance to leave/come downstairs/etc nicely when I ask. If she refuses though I’ll physically move her myself. Can’t be bothered to wait around for ages to get the same result in the end. Mummy always wins Wink Nothing else to add, but very interested in this thread so placemarking!

DrSeuss · 06/05/2019 20:00

i have no issue whites ever with bodily removing a child who won't leave but it seems many do. And then I get the pleasure of their little treasure to teach. A child who is used to dominating adults and is not used to being made to behave EVER is great fun in a busy classroom!

Poppyinafieldofdreams · 06/05/2019 20:05

Children learn from their parents behaviour by observing and testing it.

TowerRavenSeven · 06/05/2019 20:12

Yanbu. Surprisingly I had a friend of mine do this too for her child to get into the booster seat, take medicine, etc. Once she said it took her an hour for her daughter to get into her booster seat and she had to call her father to take the other child to school. Being the mother of an only I always had the feeling she was thinking how easy it was for me to have one (it was) and that I wouldn’t understand (I tried to) but honestly just pick them up and put them in the damn seat already! But I never said this, was just happy when it ended!

PantsyMcPantsface · 06/05/2019 20:13

Mine get it asked, repeated and then I begin counting 1, 2...3 ...I have managed to successfully nurture a terror of the number 3 in them!

DD1 would love the bloody chance to be "strong willed" and "spirited" - you HAVE to be firm with her and have strong boundaries because she will test every single one of them constantly to make sure they're still in force. She's a lovely child (and we have a lot of fun and giggle moments) - but she'd eat a gentle parent for breakfast.

Dana28 · 06/05/2019 20:15

How old was thiz toddler? a lot of xiffence between a 1 Yr old and a 3 Yr old.

PantsyMcPantsface · 06/05/2019 20:16

As for car seat refusal - when DD1 was a toddler she went through the phase of doing the toddler ironing board of doom trick when car seat straps were concerned. My idiot younger brother took her out for an afternoon to the park and I was telling him that she tended to do this and arch her back so you couldn't do the straps up properly - and you needed to basically fold her in the middle to get them done (parents know what I mean) and he bollocked me for "indulging in blameist language on the part of the child"... brother has no children (oh boy oh boy I cannot wait till he meets a toddler of his own one day and has to try empathically negotiating a stropping flailing toddler into a car seat) and is the worst of the worst example of social workers from another planet.

youarenotkiddingme · 06/05/2019 20:19

I often stand open mouthed wondering which of my visitors in the child and which is the parent in charge

Yanbu

missmouse101 · 06/05/2019 20:22

"DC, we do NOT behave like that. It's time to go now, so are you going to say goodbye and I have to carry you out like a baby, or are you going to say goodbye and walk nicely out, like a big boy?"

sueelleker · 06/05/2019 20:24

YANBU. Or the “ please don’t do that, not nice” said with a sugary voice when their kid throws stuff/snatches toys/destroys other children’s duplo etc
This reminds me of Joyce Grenfell "George, don't do that"

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 06/05/2019 20:29

PMSL at indulging in blameist language on the part of the child, what an idiot! Though probably typical of the type of person who genuinely believes they know all about raising children because of the books they've read. Lord know you see enough new parents on MN being saddened to see parents raising dc different to how they intend to raise their two week old child.

Karwomannghia · 06/05/2019 20:31

Yes at a play group another child grabbed dds toy and his mum just spent ages explaining to him about sharing in a little voice. I just took it off him gave him another and said you can have this one instead or this one when she’s finished with it. He was fine about it. If dd takes one I take it straight off her give it back and find her something else. Really cannot be arsed with twaddle. Just get on with it! Toddlers don’t know what they’re doing!

Orchidoptic · 06/05/2019 20:34

I was quite good at making lo do things she didn’t want to do. However, when she was a toddler, a mum got in trouble to dragging her child when it refused to move. Cue months of lo sitting down on the floor in town, me asking her to get up and strangers walking past laughing.

ChinaBear · 06/05/2019 20:38

his mum just spent ages explaining to him about sharing in a little voice
We don’t play with kids who are parented like that. It’s infuriating. The kid is too young to understand concepts like “sharing” and “sorry” and too young to have empathy. Just take the toy off them ffs and point them in a more appropriate direction.