To ask if you would have a baby at 38?

[quietmoon]

I am 38 years old. In a long term stable relationship. I have a 20 year old DS at university. My partner wants a baby next year and whilst I am not against it and do worry that I'll regret it if I don't. I'm also knackered and just want a quiet, somewhat carefree, responsibilty free future to do whatever the heck I like.

Would you start again at 38?

I would have loved a baby at 38, unfortunately she kept me waiting until I was 41! Her brother was 16 when she was born and although sometimes I think I must be crazy to do it all again I wouldn’t change my decision for the world, it’s wonderful to have her in my life and her brother adores her

Thank you everybody, the responses have been very helpful. Sorry if my question offended anyone, it was not about being too old for a baby, but rather starting again at 38 after being a mum my whole adult life already.

I would have but DS was a lazy little shit, who was 10 days, late so I had him 2 days after my 39th birthday!

I had DD a few days before my 38th birthday, as she was early.

It's not all plain sailing, I would be lying if I said it was, but now they are 13 and 12, it is pretty good. DD especially is really good and I am disabled now (nothing to do with having them so old), so she helps me around the house.

The age itself wouldn't bother me that much but I'd still have to work at 58 to help with uni fees, house deposits etc and would have to rely on great health.

I wouldn't do it just because a partner wanted one though ever. It should be a want by both, not one settling.

The age gap between children would put me off.

I personally wouldn't but I decided to have children young so by the time I was your age-ish they would be grown up and I could enjoy mid/later life child free. Nothing wrong with doing it the other way round or both as you may well decide to do! It's personal choice

i'm 45 and mine are 7 and 4, so yes, i did have one at 38 and one at 41...

miscarriages, etc and life... meant it didn't happen earlier

Had my last at 38. It wouldn’t have entered my head that it might be considered too old.

Had my first at 39. Best decision of my life

If dh wanted another one, I would consider it only if he was going to do the majority of the parenting. (Not 5-10% like at present

A 38 year old who was enthusiastic about having a baby? Go for it!

A 38 year old who has a 20 year old and is now looking forward to a carefree life? I'd think very carefully about it.

Thank you everybody, the responses have been very helpful. Sorry if my question offended anyone, it was not about being too old for a baby, but rather starting again at 38 after being a mum my whole adult life already.

To answer that, I also had an older DD from a precious relationship. I had no help from my ex when she was little at all, where DP helped me loads with the two younger ones. That made a lot of difference.

I had conveniently forgotten how exhausting the early days (and nights) are but I just waded through it. I look back fondly at those days when inevitably rowing with teen DD!

@speakout Do you mind explaining why? Curious as you say you had yours at 38 and subsequently 40.

It truly depends on what you want OP and as some very wise women on this very forum have said in similar threads: Don't do it unless it's something you deeply very much want / feel you quite literally need in your life. Being quite ambivalent about it could spell years of remorse and regret.

No. DH and I wanted 3 but I would have been 36ish when the third came along and I was knackered enough by then.

I had DS2 at 39 and it was absolutely fine. A totally joyful experience.

Having just had my first at 34 I do find these threads a little patronising to "older" mums. Not all of us were ready to have our firsts when we were younger. I plan to have my second at 37-39 so I'd say absolutely.

Not read the thread but my answer is Yes , because I had my first at 39 & 5 months and second 2 months before my 42nd birthday .
Never regretted it for a second and even considered a 3rd .

I wouldn’t have a child on the off chance I regret not having one.

It sounds as though you don't want to, so don't. It's not his body or (probably) him doing most of the caring so it's up to you.

I think it depends on your hopes for the future.

I had my first (and only) at 19.

He's 12, he has some additional needs and I split up with his father before he was born.

My whole adult life until now has been dictated by having my son. I've never been able to join a gym, never been able to work too far from home, have had to choose jobs based on location/hours and have passed up some dream jobs. I've missed out on nights out, 18-30 holidays, going to uni and living in halls, and a relationship with a great man who just lived too far away, and so much more. This has all been ok, because I know that my late 30's and my life thereafter will be mine to do as I please.

But starting it all over again? No thanks. I also want a quiet life dictated only by me. Reading books, lie ins, going to the gym, seeing friends, being able to conduct a relationship without worrying about childcare, no resentment about which parent is or isn't doing their fair share, and being able to work late without a second thought, or to get a job with a commute if it's what I really want. Those things will make me happy.

For others, the love of another child would outweigh all those things but it's such a personal choice.

No, baby at 38 is fine, teenagers in late 40's/50's is different IMO. But plenty of women do.

W Oiler’s have had my first child at 38yo (or maybe a second if they were close in age)
To start all over again when I already have a 20yo. Nope.

II had my first at 37 and planning my second at 40 so age itself wouldn’t bother me.

Starting again twenty years later is what would put me off. If I spent all my 20s and 30s parenting I’m not sure I would be volunteering to spend my 40s and 50s doing it as well. One or the other (and I love parenting, but I do want there to be an end in sight)*

This.

I had all the fun time and did a lot in my twenties. Had my first at 34 and second at 39. I don’t think it’s any different to having them earlier, it’s just whether you have your child free time younger or older.

I wouldn’t have had to spend my twenties raising kids, and then when the end is in sight start all over again for another 20 years. When do you get to do what you want to do? 60 I suppose isn’t that old these days, but the expense that come with kids means you might struggle to save enough to enjoy retirement? Unless money isn’t an issue of course.

No, I wouldn't want to start again in your circumstances. You have been parenting your entire adult life, now is the chance you get to do what you want.

It literally keeps me awake at night. Two very different paths and each would totally change the course of my life.
Do I want to end up single, living alone but with the freedom to travel and be carefree for the first time in my adult life or do I settle down with a little family and marry the man I love.

I see myself in both situations and so it's hard to figure out what I truly want

I had a baby at 37 1/2. It was perfectly fine. But if I had a 20 year old...no, definitely not. Mine two are both young and it was an intentional choice to wait as long as I did. I couldn't imagine starting over at this age, personally.