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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would have a baby at 38?

459 replies

quietmoon · 06/05/2019 17:05

I am 38 years old. In a long term stable relationship. I have a 20 year old DS at university. My partner wants a baby next year and whilst I am not against it and do worry that I'll regret it if I don't. I'm also knackered and just want a quiet, somewhat carefree, responsibilty free future to do whatever the heck I like.

Would you start again at 38?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 06/05/2019 17:58

No. I say that as a woman of 41 with a 1yo and 6yo.

It’s been very hard. No way would I start again if I had an adult child.

Yummymummycupcake · 06/05/2019 17:59

No I wouldn't. I'm 31 with 4 kids and my youngest is 20 months. I'm now sterilised so I can't have more. If I didn't have kids till then, then yes I would have one at 38. But I've spent the last 11 years being either pregnant or raising young children so by the time I'm 38 my kids will be a bit older and I can have more time for myself.

larry55 · 06/05/2019 17:59

I had ds1 at 22, ds2 at 24 and.dd at 40 (same father) and definitely have never regretted it but when trying for dd I felt that if I didn’t get pregnant my life would still go on but I would regret not trying.

Dd has been a joy and she now has a nearly two year old that I adore.

amatsip · 06/05/2019 18:00

I had a child at 39, 7 years ago it is knackering but I don't regret it, I also have children in their 20's who adore their little sister

rockingthelook · 06/05/2019 18:00

Had my second at 38, loved it, was calmer than when I was younger and have not had any issues at all, just loved being a Mum, however, given that you already have a child of 20, I can fully understand not wanting to start again. I was an older parent, but the time was right for me, was settled with my husband and life was good. In my 50's now , still healthy and active and my family are great company, wouldn't change a thing, completely get where you are coming from though

RozHuntleysStump · 06/05/2019 18:01

Noooooooooo

Raffles1981 · 06/05/2019 18:02

I was 36 when I had my DS. He's 2 this year and in all honesty, if we had waited a little longer, I don't think it would have made much difference.

CobaltRose96 · 06/05/2019 18:03

I wouldn’t, but it’s not necessarily the age that puts me off, it’s the age gap. I just had my first at 22 and cannot possibly imagine starting over at 42!

Justgorgeous · 06/05/2019 18:04

Yes! Ignore the negativity ! I’m thriving fine thank you, very odd thing to say. Had my 3rd at 44. Absolutely the right choice. Two other children aged 17 and 15. Go for it if it’s what you want of course.

INeedAFlerken · 06/05/2019 18:04

I had my children later in life, relatively speaking, but no way would I start again if I my existing youngest was 20 ... I just wouldn't.

Frangipane · 06/05/2019 18:07

I did have one at 38 and it was very tiring though it followed close on the heels of other children. I am not sure in your circumstances I would start all over again. Though if my partner had no other children and really wanted one, and he was for keeps, I guess I would be persuaded.

ErrolTheDragon · 06/05/2019 18:09

I had my DD when I was 38 - hard work when she was small but great teenager/young adult. I'd been ambivalent about parenthood till then but best thing I've ever done.

I'm not sure if I'd have wanted to 'start again' if I already had an adult DC though.

BillyAndTheSillies · 06/05/2019 18:10

Nope. Especially not with such a big gap, but your mention of wanting a carefree life makes me think of DH.
IL's had another two children when DH was 12. PIL's are now in their late 50's, winding down to retirement, holidaying multiple times a year and DH is expected to parent his younger siblings in their absence. Despite having his own children.
It's a strain on us all.

Ninkaninus · 06/05/2019 18:16

Yeah the important bit here is doing it all again. I’ve gone through years of blood, sweat and tears and the tiredness, stress and anxiety of trying to be a reasonably good parent, and I’m not prepared to do the whole thing over again now when I’ve finally got my girls to adulthood. One of mine still needs a fair bit of help and support and general guidance and I’m happy to do that for her. I would not be happy to do that, and have another baby/toddler/child and god forbid, teenager (although they have their lovely points too!) needing full time attention from me.

Obviously plenty of people start their parenting journey at that age or similar and that’s just fine for them. Not really the same thing at all.

Marmite27 · 06/05/2019 18:29

I had mine at two months after I was 35 and 3 months before I was 38.

If YOU want to, there’s nothing stopping you.

nokidshere · 06/05/2019 18:30

I had my first at 39 and my second at 41 so the age wouldn't put me off particularly but the starting again after 20yrs definitely would.

NineinaBed · 06/05/2019 18:30

In your situation I probably wouldn't. Why would you want to start again when you already have an adult child? If you didn't have such a big age gap from your first then I would say go for it.

Thehop · 06/05/2019 18:33

I’ve just had baby no 4 (well she’s 2, I’m 40) at that age. Second marriage, my eldest ones are teenage.It’s great, actually!

Nat6999 · 06/05/2019 18:35

I was 6 weeks off being 38 when I had DS. Normal pregnancy, ok I got pre eclampsia but that could have happened at any age.

outvoid · 06/05/2019 18:37

No, I wouldn’t do it in your position. Your son has grown up and presumably flown the nest, it will be a major shock to your system to suddenly be back in the baby stage. I just wouldn’t do it, enjoy being carefree.

Furrydogmum · 06/05/2019 18:42

Not if I was paid!! I'm 43 and my two are grown up and almost grown up and it is a fabulous time for me and dh. If by some awful (vasectomy gone wrong) chance I got pregnant I would roll with it but honestly would not choose to start again for anything!!

JacquesHammer · 06/05/2019 18:48

Without shadow of a doubt. Secondary infertility has left me constantly not feeling done.

Wouldn’t even consider the age gap etc.

I have a sneaking hope for a very timely accident Smile (and just in case anyone doesn’t appreciate that’s lighthearted, it would absolutely be an accident. I take handling of contraception very seriously!)

1Wanda1 · 06/05/2019 18:48

I've done this recently. Had DS (now 17) and DD1 (now 15), in my 20s and had DD2 (3 months) this year (second marriage). I am 43 now. I pondered the "can I start again?" a lot before we did it. So far having a baby again has been nothing short of a delight. The older two love her, and this time round I am a lot less stressed as am more confident.

That said, I have yet to experience being a parent of a teenager in my late 50s, but I think it will be OK.

Original poster
quietmoon · 06/05/2019 18:51

I think I have a lot of soul searching to do to say the least

OP posts:
NoEntryIntoTheMind · 06/05/2019 18:51

If you woke up pregnant tomorrow OP, how would that make you feel?

That will be your guiding answer. I know I'd be horrified at a positive pregnancy test, and thats how I know I'm done!

FWIW - I had my children young, and there's no way I'd go back to nappies etc now. I'm really enjoying having older children/young adults and concentrating on my career properly now its no longer such a juggling act. I also enjoy spending time with the kids now that they can do more adult things, and then the quiet time when they are with their friends.

However, its not my path - its yours.