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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would have a baby at 38?

459 replies

quietmoon · 06/05/2019 17:05

I am 38 years old. In a long term stable relationship. I have a 20 year old DS at university. My partner wants a baby next year and whilst I am not against it and do worry that I'll regret it if I don't. I'm also knackered and just want a quiet, somewhat carefree, responsibilty free future to do whatever the heck I like.

Would you start again at 38?

OP posts:
SwimmingKaren · 07/05/2019 23:37

God no, not by choice. If you didn’t have any children already then of course, go for it but toddlers are a young woman’s game imo. Why would you want to start again?

TigerTooth · 07/05/2019 23:57

I’m so happy to hear of so other mums at 42+.
It’s hard but of course we love them to bits and they are fun. I just find that I don’t beat myself up so much as I did with my first two. I don’t try to be wonder-mum, just a good enough mum with loads of love and fun is good enough.

TigerTooth · 07/05/2019 23:58
TigerTooth · 07/05/2019 23:59

Catwaving

I had a child aged 43, and not long ago I would have said definitely go for it, but not now.

Who knows if ANY of us have a future and will be able to live out our lives on our planet

I definitely wouldn't bring a child into this terrible uncertainty

Yes yes yes - I could have written this🥺

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 08/05/2019 00:05

I had one at 28 and one at 38. I'm 48 now...time for another?

No regrets at all, they're both fab.

I'm was (and am) in good shape and while I think the tiredness was harder to manage at 38 it really wasn't a big deal.

I work in academia where many of my peers have children later than average so I didn't feel old and I don't feel at all odd at the school gate at 48 with a son in year 5.

Both were very very much wanted babies by me at least, the ex/father issue is a whole other thread

Catsinthecupboard · 08/05/2019 02:25

I had dd at 38. She's 20 now. She's amazing and we are delighted to have her in our lives. It was a difficult pregnancy and delivery but more bc of me than her.

Our family revolves around her.

She's strong, smart, kind, interesting and creative. She's dedicated to her family and we are to her. If we didn't have her, I think we would be rocks who didn't move.

Her teen years were tough bc her father worked out of town and my own mother passed away (and her honorary gran was diagnosed with dementia) so I didn't have support nor did she really have an alternative to me except her brother who is 21 months older.

If you want a child, I think that it's an excellent idea. I know that I was a much better mother at 38 than I would have been at 28. (That's just ME, not anyone else. I speak only of Cats at 28 vs 38)

The one bigger difference that I noticed (please don't everyone jump at this) btwn me and others who were younger was that I had already accomplished a few interesting things and I was happy to let her and her brother be themselves.

Some other parents seemed to think that their children were their accomplishment and seemed more competitive. I was competitive enough to keep dc from being left out but it wasn't my life's goal to have the best dc in the school. I was more content to foster them as they were growing (I hope that makes sense and doesn't offend anyone).

Flowers I hope that you are happy and healthy and have a happy, healthy baby if you really want one.

And YES, I am broody and that is a hopeless urge. I just keep plowing my frustration into a business with my ds.

stopgap · 08/05/2019 03:07

38 is no age. I had my two at 34 and 36, and had I not had a blip of bad health when I was 37/38, I would absolutely have gone for a third child.

parentin · 08/05/2019 03:14

NO WAY. if you are not 100% sure, dont do it

Purplealienpuke · 08/05/2019 06:35

I was a grandma at 38. Your eldest child could make you a grandma at any time...
Would you want a child and a grandchild of similar ages?
I only had one dd. Of course I was upset she had a child so young but I now have two grandchildren in my mid 40s. I'm young enough to enjoy them without the responsibility of them being mine 😊

threatmatrix · 08/05/2019 07:49

If that’s how you feel then no way. It will be the end of you life again.

skyblu · 08/05/2019 07:53

This is something that is COMPLETELY personal to each individual.

For me, no way. At 35 I thought I wanted another...at 38 I was completely over it!
My DSIL had her third at 40.
A another friend had her third at 41
A colleague had her first at 40 & her second at 42.
Another friend had twins at 39.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else would or wouldn’t do/like....it’s a totally individual decision. You need to do WHATEVER is right for you.

Springwalk · 08/05/2019 08:15

Those that are saying it is totally fine, have not needed to factor in the many health problems that can hit you once you are past forty. Not to mention the menopause.

justasking111 · 08/05/2019 08:53

I think having way more money in my forties than twenties made life a lot easier

MumOfOne92 · 08/05/2019 09:01

I wouldn't, don't want anymore post 30. But if it is what you want then go for it!

Dandelion1993 · 08/05/2019 09:04

I wouldn't.

I've had my children aged 20 and 25 and I feel done.

I like that by the time I'm 40, the eldest will most likely have left home and the second won't be far behind and that I'll still have many years in front of me at work.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/05/2019 09:05

It's your decision OP and you need to do what is best for you.
My friend did this by donor at 38 and had her baby at 39.
She's a great single parent.
It does not stop her travelling.
But like you, I did my bit and I'm ready to live my life now.
You will be looking after a teenager at nearly 60.
It's not something I would want either.
I really hope it all works out for you.

onegiftedgal · 08/05/2019 09:12

Yes, I would and had my 3rd chold at 38. We are talking 38 not 58!
As you say, your eldest is grown up so it will essentially just be like having a single child to raise - can't see why that would be difficult plus it would further strengthen your relationship with your partner.
It sounds lovely op, live life and don't regret not doing this.
Imo any younger than 28 is too young to have a baby nowadays but you have done that and a lot has happened to make coping with a baby/ toddler easier even in the last 20 years.

TessaL23 · 08/05/2019 09:26

No!! Haven't read everything though, would this be his first child?? It's a tricky situation if so, but ultimately your choice. You have to decide if your willing to give up the relationship so he can meet someone younger to have his own family with.

bibliomania · 08/05/2019 10:06

I had my only child aged 33, and would have happily had no. 2 at 38 if I was in the right situation at the time. I wasn't, I didn't, and I'm fine with it now at the age of 45.

Age aside, would I have no. 2 two decades after having no. 1? Nope. Been there, done that, and have things I want to do in life other than child-rearing. It will mean that you'll spend the best part of four decades raising children, which seems to me like a massive percentage of your lifespan. You absolutely shouldn't do it just to please your DP if it's not something you desperately want yourself.

mary1066 · 08/05/2019 10:12

It would be such a massive thing, if this happened to me. Everyone's unique, of course. This would be a massive ask from my partner especially if I felt the way you do. I'd be totally straight and honest with my partner about it and would expect him to understand my feelings and views about this extremely important issue as I'd understand his.

I think having a baby if I really, really want it is more than ok for but definitely not if I don't. Having a baby just to keep my partner happy would be so unfair to myself and my baby who wouldn't have any say in the matter. I'd definitely wouldn't have a baby just to keep my partner either. Neither would I want my partner to make me feel guilty for not giving him a child or resent me in the future for it, especially if he doesn't already have children of his own from a previous relationship. At the same time, I'd painfully understand and admit his natural desire for wanting a child if he hasn't one already. I'd also feel that our future together has been tested by this and that would make me feel insecure and really upset, if I was so in love with him. If not, then I'd let him decide to stay or find someone else who'd want a child with him all the empathy and compassion I could muster for both of us.

If it was me, I would ask my partner to join me for some counselling sessions with a professional in this field to discuss this big issue thoroughly and properly once and for all because my child bearing years are limited and I wouldn't want this issue to affect our feelings and relationship in the future.

Wish you the very best in dealing with this situation.

FrenchJunebug · 08/05/2019 10:43

I've had a baby at 43 so yes.

Planetian · 08/05/2019 10:53

In your shoes not a chance in hell! You want a carefree enjoyable life - another baby ruins that.

SVRT19674 · 08/05/2019 11:07

Definitely. Had mine at 43. Life has these things. My most precious little girl.

Marylou2 · 08/05/2019 11:09

I had my DD at 38. I’m 50 now. I consider myself the luckiest mum alive 🙂. Don’t do it under pressure from anyone else though. Only because you want to.

wheresmymojo · 08/05/2019 11:35

I'm hoping to have one at 37-38 but then I haven't had DC yet and it's quite a normal age to have children in my area.

That being said I might feel differently if I'd already had and raised a child. I've had 20 years of freedom whereas you're only just getting yours back.

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