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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would have a baby at 38?

459 replies

quietmoon · 06/05/2019 17:05

I am 38 years old. In a long term stable relationship. I have a 20 year old DS at university. My partner wants a baby next year and whilst I am not against it and do worry that I'll regret it if I don't. I'm also knackered and just want a quiet, somewhat carefree, responsibilty free future to do whatever the heck I like.

Would you start again at 38?

OP posts:
FanfictionFan · 07/05/2019 18:57

I'm 38 this year with 3 dc aged 15, 13 and 12 despite the fact I had my tubes tied after 3rd child and know I can't have more, the thought of having more children makes my womb shrivel up.

If you really want children then, you should definitely go for it. However I suspect deep down you know you don't and there is nothing wrong with this, just because you are female it doesn't mean you are obliged to give up another 20 years of your life to bringing up another child.

A long heartfelt talk with your partner is needed, because you shouldn't feel like your relationship is dependant on you bearing his child.

Sending you a hug xx

Jemima232 · 07/05/2019 18:57

My cousin had two grown-up children, then left her DH and re-married at the age of 43.

She then had two more children.

She is now almost 80, and is (unbelievably) going out daily to buy weed for her youngest 'child' aged 35, who has learning difficulties and apparently cannot survive without it.

I have no idea what will happen when she dies.

CylindraceousNicholas · 07/05/2019 18:58

I had mine at 20, now 23. I don't plan on having another one until my mid 30s (if I do at all!) because I want to get my degree and a career started. Not sure I'd then want to give that up to go back to parenting, so maybe not.

shoesarefab · 07/05/2019 18:59

@quietmoon so I recently did this. I have girls of 10 and 7 and we went again for a 3rd. Gave birth 6mths before turning 40. Honestly? Im absolutely bloody shattered. So much harder than when I was 28. Plus, I worry more, no longer having the naivety of youth you actually realise all the awful things that could go wrong!! However, I have a lot more patience this time around and I’m enjoying it more.

Basically, if it’s something you really want, go for it. We did it because I knew I would always wonder what if and wish I’d had the third. If you arent that fussed and only entertaining it because of your partner, don’t do it. Good luck!!

Pinkprincess1978 · 07/05/2019 19:04

Personally no but both of my children are with my DH. Is the 20 year old your DHs? If so then probably not but if your DP doesn't have children then then I would think about it.

I always said 35 was my limit for having children but I had two at 29 and 30 so as well as my age had the age gap of my children to think about.

Jux · 07/05/2019 19:06

No!!!!

Never have a baby because someone else wants one. Don't do it.

Franklymydearidontgiveaham · 07/05/2019 19:07

Lol 18yr age gap between my middle and youngest so I've seen it at both sides of the parental age spectrum and theres plus and minuses in both scenarios..... wouldn't change a thing though 😊.

Crunchetta · 07/05/2019 19:09

I had my Daughter at 26, and I had my son at 39, it is tiring, but he is worth it xx

Gugglebum · 07/05/2019 19:11

I did at 38, 40, and 42. Harder energy-wise than the one in my late 20’s, definitely. But they were wanted and welcomed and I don’t regret it a moment. I definitely wouldn’t have done it if I was unsure or for someone else, though.

Mmest75 · 07/05/2019 19:15

Agree with above, it’s not the having a child at 38. I had my first at 35 and second at 39, nothing unusual there, but the starting all over l wouldn’t want to do.

Mummyshark2019 · 07/05/2019 19:16

I would if I had the following:

  1. The money
  2. The energy
  3. The right relationship- happy and partner would be supportive and a good dad
  4. The right sized house
Zoejj77 · 07/05/2019 19:18

Had my first at 39 so the age as such isn’t a problem. Carefree I am no tho lol

Needmoresleep · 07/05/2019 19:19

Both mine in my 40s. Absolutely fine. I really enjoy having young adults around. It makes a nice contrast to caring or my elderly mother.

theDudesmummy · 07/05/2019 19:19

I had mine at 45 (two months off 46). He's ten now.

ilovechocolate07 · 07/05/2019 19:19

No way. Not on purpose anyway. I do, however think that if I hadn't had children already I might be more enthusiastic about having my first at 38. I raised babies in my twenties so I'm enjoying more freedom now.

CleopatrasMum · 07/05/2019 19:29

I had my first at 41 and second at 48, so like others the age bit wouldn't terrify me. However I had my 20s and 30s child free. I am not sure i would want to have spent those years parenting and then also my 40s and 50s. That said I know someone who had two at 19/20 and two more in her 30s and she seems very happy. So i think it depends on the person, but you need to be keen yourself and you don't really seem that enthusiastic...

jellyfish70 · 07/05/2019 19:31

Don't have the baby for him, you need to want it too.

Bananasandchocolatecustard · 07/05/2019 19:31

I had a baby at 39.5 years old.

Mammajay · 07/05/2019 19:33

First yes. Second after twenty years , no. I would get a pet!

IdblowJonSnow · 07/05/2019 19:36

I don't think 38 is too old but you won't get your carefree existance if you have another baby! There are pros and cons - only you can decide.
I had my second at 38. She's now 5 and I'm still shattered! Smile

jellyfish70 · 07/05/2019 19:36

It's not your age, it's starting again when you know what parenting entails and you know it's not just a lovely baby!!!

LoulouTheroux · 07/05/2019 19:38

I have one of 19yr and one of 12yrs. I also have a 16month and 8week old! I’ll be 37 soon. Starting all over again has been exhausting but so enjoyable. Sometimes I miss the carefree days I had before the boys arrived but on balance I’m glad I did it. I always wanted more children and would probably have regretted not trying. If you feel fulfilled with what you have now, stick. If something is missing, go for it!

Holyshitbags · 07/05/2019 19:41

I did
I had my first baby at 18 Blush to my “first” boyfriend, second at 20, spent 17 years with their dad. Split from him and met my husband. We both agreed that we didn’t want any more children (mine were 14&16 and his were 8&10) but soon realised that, actually, we’d like a “proof” of our love so to speak.
I had my third at 37 and fourth at 38!!
I don’t regret it.....most of the time 😂😂

LuvSmallDogs · 07/05/2019 19:41

I’m in my late 20s and have had my 3 kids in early to late 20s so I can chill out more in my late 30s onwards. I don’t know how some mums can stand going back to the newborn stage after being free for so long. God I sound a cow, I do love my kids I promise but agree with my dad that they only get fun a few months in.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/05/2019 19:44

It's certainly not too old! I had my second at 42. However, while I will never regret DS, ever, he is the light of my life (along with my adult daughter), I now find myself a single mum at 50, to an ASD 8 year old. It's hard. Very hard indeed.