To ask if you would have a baby at 38?

[quietmoon]

I am 38 years old. In a long term stable relationship. I have a 20 year old DS at university. My partner wants a baby next year and whilst I am not against it and do worry that I'll regret it if I don't. I'm also knackered and just want a quiet, somewhat carefree, responsibilty free future to do whatever the heck I like.

Would you start again at 38?

Yes - go for it! I’m 38 in a few months and planning one next year or the year after 👍🏻

I had mine at 38 and 41. But I really, really wanted them and they're my only two. Don't have another if you're not sure - those first three months are brutal.

It’s funny! My inclination is to say that of course you shouldn’t have a baby you don’t want. But I was in the opposite situation desperately wanting a second. My partner wouldn’t have it. We stayed together because I felt in a way my choice was a sibling or a father for my child. It definitely affected our relationship so I think even if you don’t split up either having or not having a baby will impact the relationship.

Not a chance

A good friend of mine had a baby aged 41 after she got married for the second time, she was pushed into it by her dh, she did not want another child but went ahead anyway for him.

What happened?

It was her third child and doing all the baby stuff did not inspire her to say the least. She increasingly relied on farming out her dd to anyone that would have her, as she was just so busy, tired and trying to work (and also did not enjoy playing dolls, kids games or crafts anymore, on more levels than one she was truly past caring about parenthood and she was desperate to have time to herself) She looked/looks fantastic, and the health side of things did not bother her, however as the years went by she became completely disengaged and completely worn out. Not because she didn't love her dd, but because she has nothing else to give, her energy levels were at ground zero.

Her dh although so pushy about having children at first, soon became very busy doing his own thing, and he was old getting old and could not be bothered to run around after a young child. (3 years older than my friend) He wanted to play golf, have lunches and sleeps on Sunday afternoons.

Fast forward to friends' dd turning 15 and it is pretty hellish to say the very least. Dh is totally out of date with life in general, and clashes with his dd, my friend is on her last legs literally and can not keep up. The whole family argue non stop and dd has seriously gone off the rails. Drugs, drinking and boys. My friend simply does not have the strength to discipline her, she has been worn down with three years of teen hell and has been all but given up. She is also looking after all the other adult children that have also had many problems, and a marriage breakdown. All in all she bitterly regrets it. My friend and her second husband have just separated, she is now 56 and heading for retirement in a few years on her own, with no house as there is not enough equity for two separate homes, no money and dd is now her problem. Ex dh it seems has met someone new and shiny and can not be doing with it anymore. My friend predicted this day herself sixteen years ago when she was making her decision, and although she loves her dd with all of her heart without question this is not the life she planned.

Think very very carefully op is all I will say.

Quite a few posters seem to be ignoring the fact that the OP already has a 20 year old, it is entirely different to ‘having a baby In your late 30s’ when you already have 20 years of parenting behind you. .

I think you are being entirely sensible OP, having a 20 year gap (maybe longer by the time you conceive) between children would be a huge disruption to your lifestyle and not one I would want. Nothing to do with being 38, I didn’t have my child until I was 43 .

Yes!!! I had my third son at 43 and he's been a joy. I felt much more confident and less anxious than with the first two. From a selfish point of view it keeps you young in ways you don't imagine. And it didn't stop me going back to university either.

I have 2 step sisters 10 and 14 and my mum is 47, she has rheumatoid arthritis which only came out when she was 43. She finds it hard to the stuff she did with my sister and I with the girls now.

Is anyone even reading the thread? She shouldn't 'go for it' because it's clearly for the partners sake. And she hasalready confirmed on later pages that she knows down she doesn't want another child.

No way in hell. Not because of your age, but because I would no way start all over again when I was basically free to do as I liked.

I know someone who has had kids over the course of 16 years, that would drive me mental, she basically spending 32 years raising children!

I have a 2 year gap and definitely no more in any situation (I’ve been voluntarily sterilised) so only one “chunk” of my life has been spent raising children.

I like my holidays, my social life and my career, whilst I balance this now best I can and my children are the light of my life I don’t want anymore!!

My mum did my little brother is 18 now and she definitely hasn’t regretted it!

I wouldn’t.
But that’s only for the fear of disabilities that cannot be discovered in pregnancies & that are linked to “advanced “ age of parents.

Nope I wouldn't want to start again but I guess it depends on the circumstances. My kids are older teenagers now and I can't imagine going back to the baby stage and the sleepless nights, But if you have a new partner who has no children and it's important to him to be a parent then it's a much bigger consideration.

To put another slant on it. My parents were late having me. I am 40 with 2 school age kids and two frail and elderly parents to look after on top of a job. So as the child of older parents, please think of the impact it will have on your kids when they are older. It’s unbearably stressful trying to juggle their needs, hospital, dr’s appointments, keeping on top of their meds. Having to own a car big enough for wheelchairs. My kids don’t get holidays at the moment as they are both too frail to leave.
I had my kids younger because I already felt the impact in my 20’s. I have been caring for them since my late 20’s.
It’s just something to consider. Having kids in your late 30’s and 40’s does massively impact on your kids.

You don’t want another child. It may end your relationship but you can’t have a baby to keep your DP happy. A child has to be something you both want as there’s no compromise in this situation.

Don’t think it’s the age you are, as long as you're still fertile, it’s whether you actually want another baby. Big commitment, as you obviously know. Would your partner, who wants the baby, be prepared to sacrifice his career chances to look after the child? Can you afford for him to do that? I had my second one at almost 37. Fine re energy. It’s just whether you’re keen!

I did - had DS and DD at 32 and 34, then DS3at 41 and DS4 at 44.
So youngest was only 7 when I started again. Now older 2 are st Uni I do think how much freedom is have if I hadn’t had them - of course love them to bits but if I had already been free - I wouldn’t have done it.
On the other hand it’s fab having 4 kids and I’m tired but happy. I worry about my health all the time because I want to be here for them all. In your situation, with all that freedom it will be s big change, but there is no right or wrong - 38 is not too old imo.

I don't think age matters - you need to want one.

I”ll be 36 when my baby is 6 months I know it’s 2 years difference but is that a lot of difference ?

I did one at 38 the other at 40 didn’t feel I was old still don’t although I may look I maybe a cliche but they keep me young

@Springwalk That's my absolute worst fear. And honestly I feel like I would end up like your friend energy wise.

It is safe to say that after reading all the replies and pondering on everybody's experiences, I do realise and accept that at this point in my life, I do not want another baby. I do feel like I may regret my decision and I know I have a lot of heartache ahead of me but I simply can't bring a chid into the world knowing my heart (and head) is not in it.

Had my eldest at 27. Got divorced when he was 10/11 and he’s now 17. Had my youngest in a new relationship. I was 2 months shy of 40. He’s now nearly 5, starting school in September whilst my eldest will be doing 2nd year of A-Levels. Wouldn’t have it any other way. My 1st was a traumatic EMCS which put me off having any more children. Glad I got brave & had DS2. He’s an opinionated, cheeky little beggar, but life certainly is not boring 😍

Personally not in a million years if i already had a grown up child.

I have 1 DC who is 1 and we don’t want any more. We love them to pieces but quite looking forward to getting my life back in like 15 years or so time! Couldn’t start again in my later 30s.

It seems like you have a lot of thinking to do :)

For me personally no. But it all depends on your health and if you think you will be capable of running round after a toddler at 40 ish. I am 42 in about a week and i know i couldnt run around after little ones anymore and i do like the freedom I now have.

I had 3 kids between 21-28 years old. Due to family circumstances we decided to adopt my niece when I was 38! Omg I thought it would be easy but we’ve had to give up our free time and money that we would have had and unfortunately it turns out that her birth mother drank in pregnancy so she has brain damage from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. So now at 54 and she’s now 16, she is actually aged around 8 yet with the body and desires of a sexually curious yet highly vulnerable young woman. What if your child was disabled in some way OP? “Older” mums carry more risks they say. If I’d had a crystal ball I wouldn’t have done it, despite loving her to bits and wouldn’t think of sending her anywhere, yet your life is never as you had imagined it might be at my age