Boyfriend going to lunch with female colleague.

[boyfriendwhatsapp]

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my boyfriend. He had a conversation on WhatsApp with another woman that he then deleted, which set alarm bells ringing.

I’ve been monitoring the situation since, and another conversation appeared this morning. Basically I have gleaned from the conversation that they go for lunch together at work. He has never mentioned this colleague to me, and when I’ve asked him who he’s gone for lunch for he says, ‘nobody, I was on my own.’ She was quite flirty, putting all sad face emojis when he said he wouldn’t be in for lunch that day. He wasn’t flirty and replied quite matter of fact with her on this occasion, but the small part I saw of the deleted conversation was a bit flirty.

When we were discussing boundaries at the start of our relationship, I said I didn’t think it was appropriate for a man to take another woman out for sit down lunch/dinner, and pay for it. That I thought it was a bit weird and looks strange to outsiders as that’s something a typical couple would do. I was very clear with my opinion on it and he agreed with me. Now I’m concerned he’s basically agreed with me but now is lying and doing it behind my back anyway. As well as the deleted WhatsApp conversation with her previously, the whole thing just screams dodgy. Why lie about it? Maybe he is worried I’ll be paranoid when there’s nothing going on, but it’s even worse to lie and delete conversation?!

He is a lovely partner in all other regards though, perfect even. I’m not sure whether to confront him now or continue waiting and watching, as this may be something that is more serious than I know of at present.

What makes you think he’s paying for it? I go out for lunch with a male work colleague regularly. We pay for our own and it’s not for romantic reasons.

Well he shouldn’t lie but it might just be because he knows you have a thing about it. Nothing strange about work colleagues eating lunch together - are you imagining candles?

Because he is very generous and offers to pay for everyone. Regardless of who is paying anyway, we clearly had a conversation which he agreed to and is now going behind my back and lying about it... deleting conversations... doesn’t really bode well for an honest relationship...

Male and female colleagues are allowed to have lunch together. You're being ridiculous.

But why not just be honest about it at the initial conversation, instead of nodding and agreeing. I thought we had an open and honest relationship with one another, I’d never have expected him to lie.

doesn’t really bode well for an honest relationship...

Nor does your paranoia.

Going for lunch with a female colleague in itself isn't something that would worry me.

Lying, hiding conversations and being shifty definitely would.

Because why lie if it's innocent?

DP doesn't have female colleagues but he does have female friends that do charity stuff along with him. I wouldn't bat an eyelid at them grabbing lunch or him giving a woman a lift home. But then he'd tell me, in conversation, what his day looked like.

It's the lying that would bother me.

How open and honest have you been about checking his messages?

That's a fair point, does he know you check his phone?

I'd hate to have my privacy invaded, and wouldn't check DPs phone.

But you're talking about going out to lunch or dinner with a person, that's what he was agreeing with. Going out and grabbing lunch with a work colleague is very different.

The texts and deleting conversations would worry me however.

To be honest, I think having lunch with a colleague of either sex is perfectly normal (I do it) and who cares what anyone else thinks? What makes you think they are going for a "sit down lunch" and that he is paying for it? Surely they're just getting a sandwich, eating their packed lunches, going to a cafe or the canteen, like normal people.

If I was him I would be quiet about it too, as you seem so keen to jump to conclusions.

He's lying because he doesn't want to face the irrational reaction telling the truth will get.

In his head it's a little white lie, because it's easier than admitting that he was just agreeing with you for a quiet life.

It's perfectly fine for work colleagues to go out for lunch and even sometimes buy each other lunch. It would have been much better for him to say this at the beginning rather than agree with you; but are you this paranoid about all his female relationships?

He's lying because he knows you'll overreact to it.

Nothing wrong with male and female colleagues having lunch together, or indeed for one colleague to pay for it.

LTB.

Let him be free.

When you discussed views on going out to lunch with the opposite sex did you also discuss views on checking each others phones?

What agreement did you come to on that? Does he check all of your conversations too?

Your not being honest either in checking his phone. If your concerned about it just ask him out right say a friend saw him in passing sat in a restaurant with another woman they mentioned it your wondering why he said he had lunch alone.

If he’s the type of guy who pays for ANYONE then it doesn’t make her special does it. The issue here is you don’t trust him! Full stop! Don’t add frills or justify anything, he lied and you don’t trust him. So now you need to decide whether you are willing to put up with it or go?? It’s very simple really.

So working women are only authorised to have lunch with each other in your world? and if a woman is the only woman in the team you decree she must each alone?

FFS please go and get yourself several grips.

you don’t trust him -you check his phone regularly - this isn’t healthy or normal behaviour in a relationship. You’ll drive yourself mad, but more importantly you need to check your boyfriend’s every move and then ask what strangers think of it all on an Internet forum.
There is literally no hope for a relationship without trust. Take it off life support and let it die.

If you are so paranoid to be monitoring his phone then the relationship is dead. I imagine he is deleting any messages because he knows how you will react to a perfectly normal situation. If you cant trust him and he cant act perfectly normally without upsetting you then end it now.

He's lying because he doesn't want to face the irrational reaction telling the truth will get.

This.

He shouldn't be lying but he obviously knows the OP is totally irrational about this and he'll get it in the neck. Not very honourable perhaps but neither is snooping on his phone.

I said I didn’t think it was appropriate for a man to take another woman out for sit down lunch/dinner, and pay for it.

OP you sound like an absolute nutjob. So his isn't allowed to have 'sitdown' lunch/dinner with a friend or colleague of the opposite sex if he picks up the bill? Is he allowed to eat with them if he doesn't pay? What about if they're not sitting down? You must realise how stupid this sounds. And totally unrealistic and paranoid.

I imagine he agreed to this paranoid bullshit because he really likes you despite you being many sandwiches short of a picnic and was worried you'd bin him if he didn't agree with your stupid ideas.

Get some professional help to work on your issues.

The lunch wouldn't bother me; but feeling the need to check his phone and him feeling the need to lie because you don't trust him would.

Having read updates OP, I think I know why he's lying. To avoid you blowing up.

A healthy relationship doesn't have conditions on the other partner, especially not to the extent you place conditions on him!

Let him go.

Do him a favor and end it.

Just read your other post. You have been togeth