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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend going to lunch with female colleague.

530 replies

boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 14:58

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my boyfriend. He had a conversation on WhatsApp with another woman that he then deleted, which set alarm bells ringing.

I’ve been monitoring the situation since, and another conversation appeared this morning. Basically I have gleaned from the conversation that they go for lunch together at work. He has never mentioned this colleague to me, and when I’ve asked him who he’s gone for lunch for he says, ‘nobody, I was on my own.’ She was quite flirty, putting all sad face emojis when he said he wouldn’t be in for lunch that day. He wasn’t flirty and replied quite matter of fact with her on this occasion, but the small part I saw of the deleted conversation was a bit flirty.

When we were discussing boundaries at the start of our relationship, I said I didn’t think it was appropriate for a man to take another woman out for sit down lunch/dinner, and pay for it. That I thought it was a bit weird and looks strange to outsiders as that’s something a typical couple would do. I was very clear with my opinion on it and he agreed with me. Now I’m concerned he’s basically agreed with me but now is lying and doing it behind my back anyway. As well as the deleted WhatsApp conversation with her previously, the whole thing just screams dodgy. Why lie about it? Maybe he is worried I’ll be paranoid when there’s nothing going on, but it’s even worse to lie and delete conversation?!

He is a lovely partner in all other regards though, perfect even. I’m not sure whether to confront him now or continue waiting and watching, as this may be something that is more serious than I know of at present.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 06/05/2019 16:58

You said:

I’ve been monitoring the situation since, and another conversation appeared this morning. Basically I have gleaned from the conversation that they go for lunch together at work. He has never mentioned this colleague to me, and when I’ve asked him who he’s gone for lunch for he says, ‘nobody, I was on my own.’ She was quite flirty, putting all sad face emojis when he said he wouldn’t be in for lunch that day. He wasn’t flirty and replied quite matter of fact with her on this occasion, but the small part I saw of the deleted conversation was a bit flirty.

That's not just the little bit you can see when you go on Whatsapp. You read the conversation.

You obviously need to speak to him. I don't think it's a problem he's not mentioned her, my DP mentioned a Hannah at work the other day assuming I knew who she was.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/05/2019 16:58

I think there's a huge difference between saying you would be unhappy about your partner using porn and saying you dont want him eating with work colleagues.

Me too. But there are lots of people who don't. Again, I don't agree that her boundary is rational but it is her stated boundary. He should have said it wasn't acceptable.

ChocoCrocc · 06/05/2019 16:59

What if they went for lunch and stood up while they ate?

churchthecat · 06/05/2019 16:59

And no I don’t think it’s appropriate for a man to be having sit down dinners or lunches with other women

Why?

Original poster
boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 17:02

Maybe my boundary is batshit and paranoid, but equally you don’t agree then lie and sneak about. If he told me he had a boundary, I didn’t agree, I’d tell him so. If it was a deal breaker I wouldn’t be with him. I wouldn’t lie and sneak about.

And yes I read the second conversation! After the first one had been deleted and I was alarmed, which I think would concern anybody.

OP posts:
likeafishneedsabike · 06/05/2019 17:03

I used to have lunch with a male colleague all the time BUT there was no secrecy at all. I told DH what we ate, who paid! It’s the secrecy that’s the issue.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/05/2019 17:03

So what will you do, OP? You have your boundary (as MrsTerryPractchett says) and you've been clear about it. Your boyfriend agreed to comply and has lied about it. The ball is in your court.

You can't 'make him'. You can let him go though.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 06/05/2019 17:04

Are you going to talk to him about it?

Original poster
boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 17:07

I wouldn’t force or control anyone. If they don’t agree with something (or I don’t!), we can discuss or if it’s a deal breaker then we don’t continue the relationship. I don’t care to force or check up or investigate. It’s too much effort. But I don’t expect someone to agree to something (even if it’s batshit!!), then lie and be sneaky. Don’t be with them or say you don’t agree!

OP posts:
RidgedPerfection · 06/05/2019 17:08

Other people can see and get the wrong idea, it just creates awkward situations that don’t need to exist. The only thing I'd think is that two colleagues or friends were having lunch - no need for awkwardness. I met some of my very best female friends through having worked closely and socialised with their husbands / partners and being introduced to them after a while. I have also lost the odd male friend due to controlling wives / partners which was a great shame. If you knew the women that your partner was eating with would that make you feel any better?

Sparklesocks · 06/05/2019 17:08

You’ve been together less than 6 months right? It really isn’t meant to be this hard so early on. It just isn’t. It doesn’t bode well at all.

I just don’t see how you can carry on like this. You don’t trust him. You are obsessively checking his phone. You’re asking complete strangers to validate your feelings, and yet the average person has had things in their freezer longer than you’ve been a couple.

Just get out. Clearly you aren’t happy, you don’t trust him. You’re tying yourself up in knots analysing every situation he has with the opposite sex. So why put yourself through it? Why stay in this when it’s making you such a mess?

Or don’t, fine. But accept that you will be miserable, paranoid and unhappy. If you’re ok with feeling like that, carry on doing what you’re doing.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 06/05/2019 17:10

You’re hard work,habitually suspicious and it must be very wearing for him
You have very peculiar skewed view on how men & women should behave and interact
I have lunch with male colleagues,I’ve spent hours on end with male colleagues.just me,them in close proximity
I have lunch with female colleagues,I’ve spent hours on end with female colleagues.just me,them in close proximity
Point is,it is ok to be around males and females

If my partner,friend,family didn’t like it,that’d be there problem.i wouldn’t change my habits

If I were him I simply couldnt be bothered with your drama and boundaries

adaline · 06/05/2019 17:11

So you've set your boundary and he's broken it - so surely the answer is that you end the relationship?

You've not even been together six months yet. It shouldn't be this hard.

But I think you need to re-think your boundaries. What is it about a sit-down lunch that you dislike so much? Would it bother you if they went to Pret, for example? Or McDonald's? Or Starbucks? If not, why not? Why is one a dealbreaker and the other not?

Original poster
boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 17:11

You don’t have to change your habits. But don’t agree then lie and sneak about.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 06/05/2019 17:12

He prob agreed because you were banging on

userxx · 06/05/2019 17:13

End it with him, if it's so much of a dealbreaker.

Hopeygoflightly · 06/05/2019 17:15

I have lunch with colleagues of both sexes all the time! You’re being ridiculous. We pay for or own food.

ChocoCrocc · 06/05/2019 17:17

Maybe he'd not had a female friend/colleague at that point he'd felt comfortable or friendly enough with to go to lunch and so didn't think anything of it when you said?

I've worked with lots of male colleagues. In that time I've only met one or two I've felt good friends with.

steff13 · 06/05/2019 17:18

I think it's time to break it off.

HeckyPeck · 06/05/2019 17:18

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would bare faced lie to my face and pretend to agree with me about something then go ahead and do whatever it is behind my back.

After a few months in I say think about cutting your losses. Life’s too short to be with a liar and someone too weak to say what they mean rather than pretending to agree with everything you say.

choli · 06/05/2019 17:19

I suspect the only thing that would satisfy some Mumsnetters would be mandatory single sex workplaces.

Armadillostoes · 06/05/2019 17:19

OP-Why did you bother asking AIBU if you are so convinced that you are not, and disinclined to take on board other perspectives? You are coming across as quite pushy and forceful on this thread. It does seem very possible that your DP was "sneaky" because you badgered him into agreeing something which he wasn't (and shouldn't have been!) comfortable with.

If a friend of mine (male or female) has a partner trying to impose the kind of boundaries you want I would worry about them.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 06/05/2019 17:20

I guess most people I know who agree that this is inappropriate are all batshit too

Yep. Totally

Rachie1973 · 06/05/2019 17:22

Well now you know. It’s not secret anymore so no issue then.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 06/05/2019 17:28

I had a long marriage and am now in a new relationship (6 months). I can't remember having a conversation about boundaries with my husband. Especially not in the first few months we were too busy shagging. And I haven't had a conversation about boundaries with my new man - we are just plodding along and enjoying each other's company and getting to know each other sadly not as much shagging as he's nearly 60 and diabetic.