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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend going to lunch with female colleague.

530 replies

boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 14:58

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my boyfriend. He had a conversation on WhatsApp with another woman that he then deleted, which set alarm bells ringing.

I’ve been monitoring the situation since, and another conversation appeared this morning. Basically I have gleaned from the conversation that they go for lunch together at work. He has never mentioned this colleague to me, and when I’ve asked him who he’s gone for lunch for he says, ‘nobody, I was on my own.’ She was quite flirty, putting all sad face emojis when he said he wouldn’t be in for lunch that day. He wasn’t flirty and replied quite matter of fact with her on this occasion, but the small part I saw of the deleted conversation was a bit flirty.

When we were discussing boundaries at the start of our relationship, I said I didn’t think it was appropriate for a man to take another woman out for sit down lunch/dinner, and pay for it. That I thought it was a bit weird and looks strange to outsiders as that’s something a typical couple would do. I was very clear with my opinion on it and he agreed with me. Now I’m concerned he’s basically agreed with me but now is lying and doing it behind my back anyway. As well as the deleted WhatsApp conversation with her previously, the whole thing just screams dodgy. Why lie about it? Maybe he is worried I’ll be paranoid when there’s nothing going on, but it’s even worse to lie and delete conversation?!

He is a lovely partner in all other regards though, perfect even. I’m not sure whether to confront him now or continue waiting and watching, as this may be something that is more serious than I know of at present.

OP posts:
adaline · 06/05/2019 17:29

And I suspect he lied because he thought you were being utterly ridiculous and wanted to avoid a row.

DecomposingComposers · 06/05/2019 17:29

You don’t have to change your habits. But don’t agree then lie and sneak about.

Do you not think that reading someone's messages is sneaky too? Or have you told him that you do it?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/05/2019 17:30

@boyfriendwhatsapp - how far would you be willing to compromise, if your boyfriend did try to discuss this with you?

I am getting the impression that you would never agree to him having anything more than an informal canteen/McDonalds type lunch with a female colleague - and to me, that says you will never trust him.

I have to be honest and say I cannot see a the relationship surviving, given this deep-down distrust you have. Either he will accept your (unreasonable) restrictions, but will resent it, and it will be corrosive, or he will lie about it to you - something that I agree is equally damaging to a good relationship, and either you will discover the lies and that will cause friction, or you will always be afraid that he is lying to you, whether he is or not - and neither scenario will nurture a healthy relationship.

I trust my dh 100%. He works away a lot, staying in hotels, and often eats with colleagues. He is friendly with his colleagues, both male and female, and I would not dream of placing restrictions on who he can eat with, or where he can eat with them, or on who he could be friends with.

Trust is vital to a healthy relationship - you don’t trust him, so how can this relationship survive? Whether or not this relationship survives, I think you need to work on your inability to trust - and I think you need to accept that it is normal and natural for colleagues and friends of different sexes to eat together, even in a fancy setting.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 06/05/2019 17:32

I'm bisexual. Does that mean I can't go for lunch with anyone?!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 06/05/2019 17:35

So he has 2 female friends with the same name that he never mentioned to you? Nothing you have said indicates he is cheating rather than lying because you are obviously very full on and your reaction is not normal. 2 conversations in a week does not make an affair and presumably wherever he lunches he cant be having loads of long leisurely lunches as he has to work. I think your best bet is to split up and in your next relationship wait a while before setting boundaries, exchanging I love yous and booking holidays.

pantsville · 06/05/2019 17:55

People are being horrible to you OP and I don't get why. It is unacceptable for him to treat another woman to lunch in a restaurant every day then lie to you about it. Especially this early in the relationship. I'd step away from this thread if I were you, you're not going to get much sense out of people who are only here to join in giving you a kicking Hmm

EmmaGrundyForPM · 06/05/2019 18:08

Pantsville the OP didn't say he was paying and didn't say it was every day.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 06/05/2019 18:09

@pantsville he's not been treating her to lunch everyday that we know of, all we know is he's been to lunch with her and the OP is assuming he's paid.

HBStowe · 06/05/2019 18:17

Having lunch with a female colleague is fine. Being secretive and lying to you is clearly not fine. Surely if he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong he would just tell you he was having lunch with her, instead of hiding his texts and keeping secrets?

NorthernKnickers · 06/05/2019 18:20

Completely barmy! Ever tried counselling for your paranoia OP? 🙄

Alsohuman · 06/05/2019 18:21

Not if he's been told he mustn't do it. Naughty boy.

Piffle11 · 06/05/2019 18:26

I don't think he's 'lying and sneaking around' - you say you discussed the sit down meal thing, and he agreed - have you thought that maybe he doesn't equate grabbing lunch with a colleague as the same as buying a woman dinner? The thing about the 'flirty' texts - I get kisses and emojis from all kinds of friends, and I 've never presumed they were flirting, I think you're reading too much into it. I used to go out with someone who was paranoid: he got fixated on a guy I worked with, who I wasn't remotely interested in, and tbh it really fucked up our relationship. He wouldn't let it go, he was convinced something was going on. If there were office nights out I would get the third degree about whether this man would be there: and I lied. I said no, as I couldn't bear the questions, the accusations, the arguments that would come. We split up, as I knew it wasn't going to get any better, and even if I or this guy changed jobs, there would always be 'another' guy. My ex went through my phone. He went through my emails. All I had done was get on with a male colleague. At another job I had to shadow a guy for a few weeks: we got on well and had a laugh. He was married, and I remember seeing him outside of work with his wife. I waved and said hello: he completely ignored me. I was hurt, and spoke about it to another colleague … she said 'oh yeah, his wife is a nutjob who doesn't like him talking to other women'. Don't be that nutjob!! If you want this relationship to progress you need to sit him down and make sure you're on the same page. This 'he's lying and that's the worst bit' is ridiculous. Going through his phone is awful.

Bunnybaubles · 06/05/2019 18:30

I dont know why people are calling you paranoid. Your DP has been messaging a woman from work, deliberately keeping it from you and quickly deleted the conversation when he realised you were using his phone to send pictures.

The having lunch part is irrelevant. Those actions described above are what has made her question his motives where she had never done previously with him interacting with other women.

What the OP is pointing out is that his actions surrounding THIS particular woman are out of character for him. This has given her reason to question what is going on.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 06/05/2019 18:36

And she has established this was out of character after 4 months? He may have been exchanging messages with her for far longer than his relationship with the OP

Delatron · 06/05/2019 18:38

I think people are being harsh on you and missing the point. He’s deleted conversations and lied about this.

She clearly messages him a lot. It doesn’t seem to be the odd lunch but a regular thing... I would be suspicious too. Why her in particular and not a mixture of people? For her to be sad that he’s not there one day for lunch means they are having lunch together most days?

Lifeover · 06/05/2019 18:44

Jesus! I’ve been going to lunch separately (and sometimes on the piss) with 2 now ex colleagues who are obviously also good friends who happen to be male. I’ve even been on holiday with one. Sometimes they pay other times I do. I’ve managed to do this for nearly 20 years without jumping into bed with them.

Stop being so paranoid and address your issues before they wreck another relationship

PawPawNoodle · 06/05/2019 18:54

So my friend and her boyfriend took me to lunch in Pizza Express and he paid for us both. Which one of them do I have to start shagging? This is very confusing.

Original poster
boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 18:59

*I dont know why people are calling you paranoid. Your DP has been messaging a woman from work, deliberately keeping it from you and quickly deleted the conversation when he realised you were using his phone to send pictures.

The having lunch part is irrelevant. Those actions described above are what has made her question his motives where she had never done previously with him interacting with other women.

What the OP is pointing out is that his actions surrounding THIS particular woman are out of character for him. This has given her reason to question what is going on.*

Thank you. I think everyone has become a bit fixated on the lunch aspect rather than the lies/sneaking/behaviour. This was my point.

OP posts:
NurseButtercup · 06/05/2019 19:02

Unless there's some massive backstory of your boyfriend cheating on you, then YABU.

Please stop using your insecurity & paranoia to control your boyfriend, you will eventually drive him away.

Delatron · 06/05/2019 19:04

Right, so her boyfriend lying and saying he is going to lunch with ‘nobody’ is ok. Then it will be OPs fault that he’s lying to her because she’s so controlling and paranoid....

bellaellie · 06/05/2019 19:16

I'm hoping you see this comment

I find it really concerning that your boyfriend is going to lunch with someone he regularly sees and interacts with at work.

Your bf spending so much time with her is concerning me.

He must have an interest in her.

Sometimes friends pay for friends when having a lunch together, but meeting
for lunch with the same person regularly and paying for their lunch all the time
or most of the time would 100% concern me because that's something that
should only be done between couples.

Deleting messages is also concerning me because the only reason I can
think of that he would have to delete a message is if he was hiding
something.

Did your boyfriends female colleague start sending the flirty messages after
the now deleted text your boyfriend sent to her?

If this is the case, then he must've said something in the deleted message
that triggered this behaviour.

If most of the convo was flirty before the deleted message then there must've
been more deleted messages or they're getting a close bond from the time
they spend together because no one would speak flirty to someone they've
just met unless they're a child, or a prostitute.

Trust your instinct it's naturally built in you to protect you. Your feelings are natural and are not ridiculous like some other posters are implying.

Bunnybaubles · 06/05/2019 19:24

For all those of you who have lunch, dinner, drinks etc with previous or current co-workers etc, do you lie to your DP about it?Sneak off for these lunches / dinners / drinks then lie about it? Do you delete all the messages you have with them, but only with them and not other co-workers / friends of the opposite sex?

If not then your stories and experiences are not really relevant.

He is sneaking about with this particular woman, telling lies about being with her and deleting messages between him and her... but not with other women. Only her.

Previously the OP believed she was in an honest and open relationship with no secrets. There was no paranoia, suspicions or thoughts that he was anything but truthful and honest.

She is pointing out that what she discovered on his phone has thrown all this into question.

He IS lying to her.

He IS sneaking about on the sly behind her back.

He IS deleting messages between him and one particular woman.

This is not the OP being paranoid or imagining things because she is an insecure but job.

These are facts she has just stumbled across which has taken her by surprise and she has come on here looking for either reassurance it could be innocent, if from other people's experiences the above sounds like something she should be worried about and generally just a hand hold and support while she tries to find out what is going on.

Bunnybaubles · 06/05/2019 19:25

*nut

C0untDucku1a · 06/05/2019 19:33

Just ask him this evening.

I see youve been going out to lunch regularly with Denise from accounts. I have two issues with this. Firstly, i don't consider this to be appropriate behaviour when youre in a committed relationship, which we have discussed before and i believed we were on the same page. Secondly, you have directly lied about it. Indont appreciate the deceit. Can you explain your reasoning to me?

adaline · 06/05/2019 19:38

For all those of you who have lunch, dinner, drinks etc with previous or current co-workers etc, do you lie to your DP about it?

My DP isn't so controlling that he'd ban me from going for lunch with a co-worker in the first place!

And she wouldn't know about any of this if she hadn't been snooping on his phone Hmm