Boyfriend going to lunch with female colleague.

[boyfriendwhatsapp]

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my boyfriend. He had a conversation on WhatsApp with another woman that he then deleted, which set alarm bells ringing.

I’ve been monitoring the situation since, and another conversation appeared this morning. Basically I have gleaned from the conversation that they go for lunch together at work. He has never mentioned this colleague to me, and when I’ve asked him who he’s gone for lunch for he says, ‘nobody, I was on my own.’ She was quite flirty, putting all sad face emojis when he said he wouldn’t be in for lunch that day. He wasn’t flirty and replied quite matter of fact with her on this occasion, but the small part I saw of the deleted conversation was a bit flirty.

When we were discussing boundaries at the start of our relationship, I said I didn’t think it was appropriate for a man to take another woman out for sit down lunch/dinner, and pay for it. That I thought it was a bit weird and looks strange to outsiders as that’s something a typical couple would do. I was very clear with my opinion on it and he agreed with me. Now I’m concerned he’s basically agreed with me but now is lying and doing it behind my back anyway. As well as the deleted WhatsApp conversation with her previously, the whole thing just screams dodgy. Why lie about it? Maybe he is worried I’ll be paranoid when there’s nothing going on, but it’s even worse to lie and delete conversation?!

He is a lovely partner in all other regards though, perfect even. I’m not sure whether to confront him now or continue waiting and watching, as this may be something that is more serious than I know of at present.

I go out for lunch with Male workmates often... drinks too. I have no interest in them romantically.

He probably lied because you'd already expressed that you wouldn't like it and he thinks he may as well lie to keep the peace as there's nothing between them. Men can be simple idiots at times (generally) and don't always think things through.

I also use emojis all the time - they're not flirty it's just an emoji.

Also who the hell is going for a 'sit-down lunch'? They're grabbing a sandwich, some pasta, their packed lunch and going to sit in the park/ a coffee shop/ the canteen.

Arg posted to soon. You have only been together 5 months, chances are he has known this woman a lot longer than you and you did some digging and found out she is married any

Grr phone playing up and posting randomly. She is married and a work colleague you have been around for 5 months. Stop acting like a jealous long term partner and dont control his friendships if you do want to keep him.

doesn’t really bode well for an honest relationship...

On the other hand, looking through his WhatApp messages is absolutely fine... 🙄

I often go for lunch with a male colleague. We both like Mexican food and we are checking out all the Mexican places within a ten minute walk of our office. Both of us are happily dating other people. There is really nothing in it. I would find it very controlling if a partner wanted us to stop just because we are male/female.

I would also seriously reconsider a relationship with someone who was checking and monitoring my private messages.

Sorry OP, but you sound paranoid and controlling.

That may or may not be with good reason, but from your post, it sounds rather like this may be you and not him!

If it was innocent, he wouldn't be lying about it. Regardless of whether there's anything going on, if he lies, he can't be trusted. Leave and find someone who'll be truthful with you.

I have lunch with male colleagues as part of a group i may add, its not the lunching i would be mad about its the lying about it and the deleted texts that would bother me

I used to have lunch with a male colleague of mine who coincidently used to be a school friend that I lost touch with. DP (now DH) didn’t mind, and had a few female colleagues he lunches with himself.

But that said, lying about it and deleting conversations is shifty as hell -think a talk needs to be had!

If it was innocent, he wouldn't be lying about it.

Or maybe he's lying because he knows OP will flip out about it. She's already said she doesn't want him going to lunch with female colleagues.

I lunch with male colleagues. The difference is is that I don’t lie about it to my husband.

If he’s lying or if he’s telling the truth you can’t continue like this.

Not surprised he's not being open with you. If you're checking his phone hopefully he'll see the light and run.

adaline I know, that's why I made a second comment after reading OPs updates.

You sound controlling to be honest.

Sorry I should clarify as didn’t post the previous thread on here.

The woman isn’t married. It’s another woman who is new at his work and has the same name as a married friend.

It is sit down, he’s open with the fact he goes to pizza express/cau/restaurants in London for lunch. So not grabbing lunch in a canteen.

I’ve also not shopped on the phone. I was sending myself photos on WhatsApp and saw the conversation with the woman. Then later that day, I was using it again and the conversation had disappeared. Not snooping, genuinely using the phone without searching for anything. It was then the suggestion of other people on the previous thread to keep an eye on it.

And no I don’t think it’s appropriate for a man to be having sit down dinners or lunches with other women, neither do a lot of people in my circle of family or friends. If he really disagreed with that sentiment and thought it was controlling then he should’ve said that, not lied about it. He said during the conversation that he wouldn’t like me going for lunches or dinners (in a sit down context, obviously a canteen or subway is different) with men either...

Why would it be okay to go to Subway but not Pizza Express?

You were sending yourself pictures? If you say so.

He couldn't have said though, could he? Because you're adamant that men and women can't be sociable without shagging, to the point you tell your partner not to have female friends.

That's not healthy, and it is very controlling.

It's also pretty disrespectful to your partner, assuming he's just going to cheat.

We all know that pizza express is a real hotbed of sexual deviancy and debauchery.

If you’re going to disbelief what I’m saying in the thread anyway then what’s the point in posting on it.

I don’t think it’s appropriate for a man to be having sit down dinners or lunches with other women, neither do a lot of people in my circle of family or friends.

This is just batshit. It takes not trusting to a whole new level and is so controlling and shows such insecurity. This is a massive red flag and any potential partner who even suggested this to me would be out the door.

I'm female and I have sit down dinners, lunches, even breakfasts with male colleagues, or even former (male) colleagues, on a regular basis. Something they pay, sometimes I pay, sometimes we split it. We may be talking work, we may be talking personal stuff, it varies.

Your level of paranoia is unhealthy. I'd suggest that you seek help with it and call it off with your BF in the meantime because you're doing him no favours.

What you're doing is putting conditions on someone else's life because you assume you know what they'll do. In truth, you don't.
I often went for lunch with both male and female colleagues. But this is the best part....... I didn't shag them. Nope. Not even a snog.

Get help, and a hobby OP. You'll thank us later.

He has lots of female friends. I’m not his gate keeper. I only take issue to blindly agreeing with me about something within our relationship, then going behind my back to be sneaky about it. If you don’t like my beliefs or opinions on something then don’t be with me, or discuss it to try and find a common ground.

I really think you need to grow up and accept that friends come in all shapes, sizes and sex. It’s wrong to dictate to anyone who they can be friend with, who they can go to lunch with etc. If this was your partner doing this to you most people on here would be saying he in controlling, well so are you. So either accept it and move on, or end the relationship and let him have the life he wants

At times I have been the only female in an all - male working / living environment and at others certainly one of a minority. I was very close to quite a few of the men that I was with and certainly socialised with the majority of them - nothing sexually motivated there and (at the times I did have a partner during those years) I was always open with my partner about where I was and who with. The key has always been trust and honesty and I would have been pretty irritated if a partner had objected to me going out with my friends when I had never given any reason for them to mistrust me.

It’s not about shagging, snogging, cheating or whatever. It’s about respect, he said himself he wouldn’t like me going for dinners or sit down lunches with other men. Other people can see and get the wrong idea, it just creates awkward situations that don’t need to exist. I guess most people I know who agree that this is inappropriate are all batshit too...