Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend going to lunch with female colleague.

530 replies

boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 14:58

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my boyfriend. He had a conversation on WhatsApp with another woman that he then deleted, which set alarm bells ringing.

I’ve been monitoring the situation since, and another conversation appeared this morning. Basically I have gleaned from the conversation that they go for lunch together at work. He has never mentioned this colleague to me, and when I’ve asked him who he’s gone for lunch for he says, ‘nobody, I was on my own.’ She was quite flirty, putting all sad face emojis when he said he wouldn’t be in for lunch that day. He wasn’t flirty and replied quite matter of fact with her on this occasion, but the small part I saw of the deleted conversation was a bit flirty.

When we were discussing boundaries at the start of our relationship, I said I didn’t think it was appropriate for a man to take another woman out for sit down lunch/dinner, and pay for it. That I thought it was a bit weird and looks strange to outsiders as that’s something a typical couple would do. I was very clear with my opinion on it and he agreed with me. Now I’m concerned he’s basically agreed with me but now is lying and doing it behind my back anyway. As well as the deleted WhatsApp conversation with her previously, the whole thing just screams dodgy. Why lie about it? Maybe he is worried I’ll be paranoid when there’s nothing going on, but it’s even worse to lie and delete conversation?!

He is a lovely partner in all other regards though, perfect even. I’m not sure whether to confront him now or continue waiting and watching, as this may be something that is more serious than I know of at present.

OP posts:
Delatron · 06/05/2019 19:42

Everyone also seems to have missed the but about the previously deleted flirty conversation...

Delatron · 06/05/2019 19:42

Bit not but

steff13 · 06/05/2019 20:05

I just noticed that you've only been together six months. Then I would definitely break it off. I wouldn't invest any more time in this relationship; will you ever be able to trust him? And he feels he needs to lie for some reason, it seems that it's not working for either of you.

Bunnybaubles · 06/05/2019 20:28

My DP isn't so controlling that he'd ban me from going for lunch with a co-worker in the first place!

And she wouldn't know about any of this if she hadn't been snooping on his phone hmm

She didn't. At the beginning of their relationship, they both had a conversation about boundaries. The OP said that him taking another woman out for dinner to a restraunt is something that would possibly make her feel a bit uncomfortable.

He agreed. He told her he understands her feelings on this because he felt the exact same and said he would prefer she also didn't go out to restraunts for dinner with other men.

It was a mutual decision agreed after an honest and open discussion.

Either you didn't read this correctly or just decided to pick out little bits you could use to have a bitch.

Whichever, it still makes your story or experience irrelevant 😊

Plus, I have access to my DP's phone. I have also shared photos from his WhatsApp to my WhatsApp enabling me to see his contacts and snippets of their conversations.

How exactly is that snooping? Should we close our eyes until navigated into the right WhatsApp contact so we cannot see any other contacts for fear of being accused of snooping? 😂

Plus the OP already said she did not open the message. She clearly did not snoop. Again, either you failed to read that or just didn't want to acknowledge it so you could try and come across as self righteous.

Original poster
boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 20:35

Just thought I’d update:

I had an unrelated conversation with him earlier about his work, and he said that there is a new woman he has befriended who he sometimes goes for lunch with. So he’s now been honest about that, despite the times before saying he was alone for lunch, when with her.

I think I am going to directly ask him why he deleted the other conversation, that it looks like he was hiding something. I actually don’t want to have a relationship that involves sneaking about and checking on one another. And now he has admitted about this woman at work, it seems a pertinent time for me to mention I’d seen the deleted WhatsApp conversation.

OP posts:
adaline · 06/05/2019 20:41

It was a mutual decision agreed after an honest and open discussion.

We only know OP's version of events here, though. It could be that she was clearly upset about the idea (of him having lunch with a woman) so he just agreed not to do it for an easy life. I also don't believe that taking a woman out for lunch is the same as going for lunch with a colleague and paying. The former implies there's a friendship or some emotion there, the latter is more for convenience.

I don't feel at all self-righteous, by the way :)

SoupDragon · 06/05/2019 20:55

it seems a pertinent time for me to mention I’d seen the deleted WhatsApp conversation.

And that you've been snooping reading another conversation.

sonjadog · 06/05/2019 21:01

Yes, I think you should tell him about the message. He should know that you are snooping and monitoring his private messages.

PlatypusPie · 06/05/2019 21:01

I read this as you had a ‘ are we exclusive ? ‘ conversation a little way into your relationship in which you defined it to include not taking other women on romantic dates, to which he agreed, and vice versa.

It should be an understanding - not a military treaty that you monitor every nuance of, in the expectation that he will breach The Rules. You have extrapolated this to include any kind of meal, even where there is no proven romantic intention. You are trying to be very controlling and when the initial lust blinkers he has about you wear off , he will be gone.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 06/05/2019 21:05

Actually OP said he agreed with her. That could quite easily mean he simply said ok to stop her going on or to stop her worrying nothing about understanding her feelings and feeling the same. OP is assuming he pays as he is a generous bloke but then she also in a previous thread thought this woman was married which she know says is not the case so she may be wrong with the payment as well. And she did read the 2nd message there has been 2 messages in just over a week one was deleted and one she read although she calls it monitoring not snooping.

FarTooMuchWashing · 06/05/2019 21:07

Blimey. I go for lunch with one of my male colleagues every so often, sometime with other colleagues and sometimes just with him. Other times the two of us go for a drink together on a Friday. When we go for lunch we pay for ourselves, but when we go for drinks we tend to take turns paying for the drinks.

I still meet up with an old (male) colleague and separately an old (female) colleague every so often.

My husband doesn't mind. Sometimes I tell him, sometimes I don't, it depends if it comes up in conversation that evening, but I don't hide it, but then he doesn't care as he and I trust each other.

steff13 · 06/05/2019 21:11

I've been married for nearly 24 years. I don't know that I've ever asked my husband who he went to lunch with. It never occurred to me.

BackforGood · 06/05/2019 21:25

When we were discussing boundaries at the start of our relationship, I said I didn’t think it was appropriate for a man to take another woman out for sit down lunch/dinner, and pay for it. That I thought it was a bit weird and looks strange to outsiders as that’s something a typical couple would do.

The very fact you did this ^ is weird.
When you start going out with someone, you don't present them with a list of rules Confused .

If I'd been him, I'd have backed out the room (and relationship) at that point. He obviously responded differently with the "Yes dear" approach and just decided it isn't worth mentioning things to you, because of your paranoia.

Even in the last post, where you say he mentioned his new colleague, you have written "he admitted about this new woman at work" as if having a new colleague you get on with is something you should somehow be 'guilty' about Confused

Most days I have no idea where my dh has lunch, or who else happened to be there. Because, if he did happen to have lunch with a female colleague, it really wouldn't register as strange with me, because, as normal functioning adults, we are perfectly capable of eating lunch with someone without stripping off and having sex with them. You know, like most people in the world.

You have some very strange ideas.

MacrosomicMumma · 06/05/2019 21:48

I was partly with you until this;

"And no I don’t think it’s appropriate for a man to be having sit down dinners or lunches with other women, neither do a lot of people in my circle of family or friends."

This is total, Mike Pence, style batshit. It implies no man can have lunches with women as they can't control themselves.... That lack of trust comes from one place only, your lack of confidence in yourself and your choice.

marcus2000 · 06/05/2019 21:50

He's lying which means he has something to hide - confront and dump

MacrosomicMumma · 06/05/2019 21:54

And having read more of your responses, while many of us don't agree with your boundary about him having lunch with a female, if he lied and deleted and that means your boundary has been crossed you therefore need to address the fact you are probably not compatible (as someone else sensibly said).

You have quite strict boundaries (to most of us on here) and he obviously has different ones and he seems to be one of those people pleasers that would rather lie than have the confrontation and explain they disagree.

Can't see this one being a great relationship TBH.

Hanab · 06/05/2019 22:04

Why do we belittle peoples feelings 🤷🏻‍♀️

Some people are confident and have 100% trust in their other half. Some trust (whats the word??) implicitly? However some have been hurt or ‘burnt’ so they are always on the look out not to be in that situation again..

OP has boundaries and she is entitled to them .. her DP he has to some extent crossed them 🤔

In this day and age and with smartphones around we have to acknowledge that cheating is now wide spread and really easy to do about deceiving loved ones .. so yes when men and women feel like somethings up .. they will check these devices .. would anyone want to be with someone who breaks their trust or crosses boundaries? I am sure a lot out there will not put up with this ..

If you have nothing to hide .. don’t delete conversations and give your partner access to your devices 🤷🏻‍♀️ And for goodness sake be honest!

If your head is turned tell your spouse/partner/significant other. Don’t ise and abuse their feelings and trust .. stop with the lies and double life!

So sad that this is becoming the norm ..

I am off this forum for tonight .. just so heartbreaking reading all these threads 💔

Hanab · 06/05/2019 22:06

Forgive my post .. some of it is not making sense .. I am a bit upset reading some of these threads today and yeah I did not preview🌷

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 06/05/2019 22:09

OP has boundaries and she is entitled to them problematic post,entitled is a murky area

So only partially permissible yes.if the boundaries are
Reasonable
Legal
Not harmful/cruel
Safe

sweeneytoddsrazor · 06/05/2019 22:26

OP has boundaries she is entitled to. Where do you draw the line between reasonable boundaries and controlling behaviour? Nobody would agree that a man could tell his partner who she was allowed to have lunch with. Nobody woud say a man reading his partners private messages was acting reasonably.

adaline · 06/05/2019 22:29

OP has boundaries and she is entitled to them

Would to be reasonable for a man to tell his wife who she was allowed to have lunch with? Would it be reasonable if he snooped through her messages? Would he also be entitled to tell her how she can spend her money?

GreytExpectations · 06/05/2019 22:34

Op, you sound like hard work, your boundaries are bat shit crazy and your paranoia and controlling behaviour is what lead your boyfriend to lie and sneak around.

Sadiesnakes · 06/05/2019 22:40

Fool for posting in aibu. You won't get any valuable advice here.

Ontheboardwalk · 06/05/2019 22:42

OP agree that “no I don’t think it’s appropriate for a man to be having sit down dinners or lunches with other women, neither do a lot of people in my circle of family or friends." Is really strange

Have you really not had lunches, tea or drinks with members of the opposite sex from work? Never?

Original poster
boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 22:50

Nobody is banned from doing anything!! Some of these replies are insane! I didn't sit down and tell him, 'You cannot do X Y Z, I forbid you!' He asked at the beginning of the relationship what my boundaries were, as his ex had taken issue to him taking other women out for dinner, this caused conflict between them as she would get annoyed but never explicitly told him she didn't like it. I said that I could understand why she was annoyed, and I wouldn't be happy with my boyfriend (or him in that circumstance) taking another woman out for dinner/lunch and paying either. I didn't realise I would have to go into such explicit detail or be accused of being batshit crazy and controlling! He actually brought the conversation up himself!

I only checked the messages after he:

  1. Failed to mention this colleague in any capacity
  2. Had a WhatsApp chat with her that he deleted when he realised I might see the content of it
  3. Told me he was at lunch with 'nobody' - which is a lie!

In these circumstances, had I deleted a WhatsApp chat with an unmentioned male colleague, which some of the content could be perceived as being flirtatious, I'd expect him to confront me or snoop himself as it would be pretty dodgy and shady behaviour on my part!

OP posts: