Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend going to lunch with female colleague.

530 replies

boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 14:58

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my boyfriend. He had a conversation on WhatsApp with another woman that he then deleted, which set alarm bells ringing.

I’ve been monitoring the situation since, and another conversation appeared this morning. Basically I have gleaned from the conversation that they go for lunch together at work. He has never mentioned this colleague to me, and when I’ve asked him who he’s gone for lunch for he says, ‘nobody, I was on my own.’ She was quite flirty, putting all sad face emojis when he said he wouldn’t be in for lunch that day. He wasn’t flirty and replied quite matter of fact with her on this occasion, but the small part I saw of the deleted conversation was a bit flirty.

When we were discussing boundaries at the start of our relationship, I said I didn’t think it was appropriate for a man to take another woman out for sit down lunch/dinner, and pay for it. That I thought it was a bit weird and looks strange to outsiders as that’s something a typical couple would do. I was very clear with my opinion on it and he agreed with me. Now I’m concerned he’s basically agreed with me but now is lying and doing it behind my back anyway. As well as the deleted WhatsApp conversation with her previously, the whole thing just screams dodgy. Why lie about it? Maybe he is worried I’ll be paranoid when there’s nothing going on, but it’s even worse to lie and delete conversation?!

He is a lovely partner in all other regards though, perfect even. I’m not sure whether to confront him now or continue waiting and watching, as this may be something that is more serious than I know of at present.

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 06/05/2019 16:35

What difference does sitting down make? To be honest, OP, you sound pretty childish. Maybe ditch this one and try again when you’ve grown up a bit.

WhiteDust · 06/05/2019 16:35

When we were discussing boundaries at the start of our relationship, I said I didn’t think it was appropriate for a man to take another woman out for sit down lunch/dinner, and pay for it. That I thought it was a bit weird and looks strange to outsiders as that’s something a typical couple would do.

I'd be surprised if he pays but as for the rest, have you never had a male friend OP? A man who you get on with really well & want to spend time with but absolutely do not want to sleep with?
I've got quite a few colleagues/old friends that fall into that category.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 06/05/2019 16:37

OP you sound very controlling and paranoid. Are you seriously suggesting people can't go to lunch with colleagues of the opposite sex? That's bonkers.

I suspect he's lied because he knows how paranoid you are. It's not good to be in a relationship where you dont trust your partner. I feel really sorry for him.

waterrat · 06/05/2019 16:38

Op I know how it feels to be anxious and jealous. But your partner is allowed to have lunch with female colleagues. I have lunch with men and women all th time

Nothing you do will stop him cheating if he wants to. you can't control him like this.

If you don't trust him leave him. Don't ruin both your lives by trying to control him

I think it's unlikely he would buy a colleague lunch surely ? And to be honest I thinks bit of light flirting is part and parcel of officelife. You just need to trust him not to actually cheat.

churchthecat · 06/05/2019 16:38

Pizza express is hardly a romantic candlelit date, it's one bloody step up from Nando's!

What do you mean people seeing and getting the wrong idea? Eating with the opposite sex must mean he's shagging them?

I'm finding this utterly bizarre. DP often goes for lunch with a female colleague. It's no different to going to lunch with a male colleague.

Original poster
boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 16:41

Equally it’s not good to be in a relationship where you feel you have to delete conversations and be dishonest about friendships, in an otherwise healthy and very open relationship. What’s worse is you agreed with the person when they expressed their views right at the beginning of the relationship. I’m not sure why I am getting the brunt of the criticism here for being open a honest with what I will put up with? If you don’t agree with it when don’t continue the relationship?! You don’t lie and hide it instead.

OP posts:
waterrat · 06/05/2019 16:41

Op dinner is very different from colleagues having a sandwich together. Imagine if a woman came on here and said her husband was forbidding her from having lunch at work with men. You sound like the Taliban !!!

Do you work in a place with men? I've worked in lots of different set ups and me and women often have lunch with whoever is around!! Even if she is flirting with him you cant ban him from having lunch.

CurtainsOpen · 06/05/2019 16:42

p r o j e c t i n g

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 06/05/2019 16:43

@boyfriendwhatsapp you wouldn't know any of this if you weren't going through his phone and reading his messages.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 06/05/2019 16:44

Does he know you've read the messages?

Original poster
boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 16:44

The trouble for me is the lying. When we initially had the conversation, he should’ve expressed he didn’t agree with me. That he was happy to be open and honest about it, but wanted to continue going for dinners and lunches 1-1 with females. Then we could’ve talked it through and found a resolution we were both happy with. It’s the lies and deleting and sneaking, saying he is lunching alone...

OP posts:
WhiteDust · 06/05/2019 16:44

So, OP. Have I got this right?
You say you're pretty cool about him having all of these female friends as long as they don't sit opposite each other and ear in a Pizza Express type place? The canteen is fine but they can't go out for lunch and if they do, it has to be casual? Somewhere like Pret?
Bonkers.

userxx · 06/05/2019 16:46

He's probably saying he's having lunch alone as he knows you'll be pissed off. He shouldn't lie though, that's completely wrong.

CurtainsOpen · 06/05/2019 16:46

Then we could’ve talked it through and found a resolution we were both happy with.

That you are happy with.

Original poster
boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 16:46

We are both very open with our phones! He knew I was sending photos to myself, obviously realised I was doing so on WhatsApp so deleted that conversation with the woman... as didn’t want me to see something. And contrary to some people’s opinions, the initial time I was just using his phone for innocent purposes. It was after I’d noticed it was deleted that alarm bells began to ring.

OP posts:
Original poster
boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 16:48

Even if he thinks it’s completely unreasonable and batshit, why agree? Why lie? Why sneak around? Don’t be with someone then if you don’t agree with them about something to the extent you have to lie and be sneaky about it... no?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 06/05/2019 16:48

Look I think the OP's boundary is bonkers. But it is her boundary and she made it clear. He agrees with her and lies. Not OK.

Plenty of people on here have boundaries around porn, strippers and so on that some (not me, but some) would think are bonkers. But when you have been open and plain, that doesn't mean the other person can just lie to get around it. Break up by all means, but not lie.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 06/05/2019 16:50

@boyfriendwhatsapp but you read the messages. I understand going on Whatsapp and sending pictures to yourself, both my partner and I have done that but you clicked on the messages and read it.

Maybe with the conversation you had with him before he thought that you were talking about dinner dates with women rather than going out with a colleague and grabbing some lunch.

You've not spoken to him about this, you've not told him you've seen he's gone out for lunch with her so you don't know. Why haven't you asked him?

SoupDragon · 06/05/2019 16:51

Not snooping, genuinely using the phone without searching for anything

You've read the entire conversation!

EmmaGrundyForPM · 06/05/2019 16:52

MrsTerryPratchett I think there's a huge difference between saying you would be unhappy about your partner using porn and saying you dont want him eating with work colleagues.

Original poster
boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 16:53

I read the most recent conversation, yes. Not the previous one, I only saw the bit you can see on WhatsApp without opening it. The previous one was then deleted when I went on the phone to send photos again later that day - he’d never mentioned this woman before either. That’s going to raise suspicion and alarm bells for anyone, I don’t think I’m crazy and paranoid...?

OP posts:
adaline · 06/05/2019 16:54

And no I don’t think it’s appropriate for a man to be having sit down dinners or lunches with other women

What difference does it being a sit-down meal make? Does getting drive-thru McDonalds and sitting in a car together afterwards count as a sit-down meal? What about grabbing a coffee and sandwich from Costa?

He's lying because your boundaries are way OTT. He should absolutely be free to go for lunch with his colleagues if he wants. I went for lunch with two male colleagues last week and one of them paid! What on earth is the problem? We'd been out for a meeting and decided to grab lunch on the way back to work rather than eat in the staffroom.

Should we all split up from our respective partners immediately?!

Armadillostoes · 06/05/2019 16:54

OP-Maybe your paranoia is making him feel furtive? If he is a good person he won't just dump a friend for no valid reason. I go for lunch with male colleagues and would massively judge anyone idiot enough to make assumptions on that basis.

rodentattack · 06/05/2019 16:55

I go for lunch with male colleagues all the time, without a second thought. Nothing remotely suspect about it. If a DP had a problem with it, that would be a big red flag to me - I've been with a suspicious partner in the past (without having done anything to make him distrust me) and I wouldn't put up with it again.

MenuPlant · 06/05/2019 16:56

I like nice food and work in a place with lots of restaurants.

I have both male and female work colleagues that I lunch with.

I have enjoyed really quite fancy meals with male work friends at lunch. Why not?

DH not fussed. Why would he be? Sometimes on his rota day off he comes into town and I take him somewhere fancy too 😁