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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP angry because I looked attractive last night

639 replies

ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:18

Not stealth boasting, this is genuinely what happened.
We went out last night, I made an effort and I’ll be honest I think I looked nice. Nice make up, my hair had gone just how I wanted it to, new outfit etc.
Met up with DP’s friends and there were a few couples I’d not met before. I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate”.
Anyway we were having a lovely night until we were in one bar, the men had gone to get the drinks and I was approached by two men who were a bit drunk and were trying to chat me up. I didn’t respond and said I was there with my partner, I was stood with two of my DP’s friend’s wives who were finding this hilarious because they were using cheesy lines and trying to buy us all drinks. I laughed it off and carried on with my night.
Later on in another bar another guy tried to talk to me whilst I was stood with DP, I said I was with him and he shook his hand and left.
DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.
We haven’t spoken since. I’m ignoring his calls because I’m so hurt by his behaviour.
We’ve been together for 4 years, we’re engaged and I’ve never given him any reason to think I’m interested in anyone else.

For what it’s worth I was wearing a full length jumpsuit so I wasn’t dressed with everything on show or anything. Not that it should make any difference, I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want.

AIBU to think this is a massive red flag? He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

What do I do now?! I’m ignoring him for now but I’m not sure I can move past this. He’s never been like this before but he’s obviously been judging me for a while if that’s how he feels Sad

OP posts:
M3lon · 06/05/2019 11:56

I'm not convinced by the idea that people should be proud of the attractiveness of their female partner....its all a bit last century.

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:56

Just spoke to him because he wants to come and collect his car.
Apparently it’s my fault. He said “you were almost purring like a cat” at all the attention.
He can piss off.

OP posts:
OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 06/05/2019 11:56

He called you a slag.
Before you even think about reconciling with him (even if he crawls on hot coals and apologises to within an inch of his life), just consider for one moment what that tells you about his values and attitudes towards women.
That will be pretty deeply ingrained and will come out again, probably in some even worse form, if the future.

Missingstreetlife · 06/05/2019 11:56

Xenia????!!! I don't think so.
I think it's hard too go back from this op. So sorry. You would need him to really commit to anger management and therapy, couple counselling (not while he is being abusive) and it's still all about him, not about you.
Can't think of any xplanation that would be adequate. You deserve and will find better

Monestasi · 06/05/2019 11:57

Point him in the direction of Saudi Arabia, and you walk the other way.

If you were my sister, I would be begging you to end this.

He is a jealous mysogynist. IME men like this are untreatable.

Save yourself future pain and heartache OP.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 06/05/2019 11:57

You are not responsible for men's behaviour. Neither are your responsible for his insecurities. If he doesn't think he's good enough for you, that's his problem. And he's clearly NOT good enough for you if he thinks that's an acceptable way to speak to you.

DistanceCall · 06/05/2019 11:57

Oh, and also: he may try to win you back saying that he had a bad day, he feels insecure because he's old than you and he worries that you'll go away with a younger man, you've got to understand, you were flaunting yourself, these creeps came along.

It's all rubbish. Everything that happened was perfectly normal and acceptable. He wants to keep you down. If you don't leave, you'll end up wearing baggy clothes and not wearing makeup and not talking to other men so as not to make him feel "insecure".

RUN.

bluebeck · 06/05/2019 11:57

Well at least you know you won't have any problems finding another fella!! Wink

Gilead · 06/05/2019 11:58

Please don't make up with him, ThisisCheese. I thought it was sweet the way my ex behaved. Ended up not going out for years, no friends and totally controlled. It took me a long time to get out, but get out I did and am better off for having done so.

gamerchick · 06/05/2019 11:58

I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate

Tbh I'm a decade older than you, in the same age gap but I still scrub up ok when on a night out. Except my husband and puffs up like a peacock if I get a compliment because he's not an insecure arse.

Let him stew for the minute then have a come to Jesus meeting with him when he's crawled out of his rock. Tell him he's hurt you.

notacooldad · 06/05/2019 11:58

People are rushing to say drop him a bit too quikcly if this is a one off. Just have a chat to him. He may have just been in a bad mood. Just have a frank discussion about it all. once uyou have a few children you won't be in bars anyway so in a sense it cuold be a totally irrelevant issue - you will be trying to keep baby sick off your work suit as you rush to the nursery and then on to the office!
Is this a joke post?
He called her a slag!
Won't be in bars,? She was having a night out with her DP. Is she staying in. Whst snout if somone chats to her in ASDA. Does she stop going there as well.
Ridiculous post.

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:58

s this genuinely the 1st time he's ever behaved like this in the 4 years you've been together? No other pattern of controlling behaviour at all?

Honestly this is the first and only time

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 06/05/2019 11:58

Apparently it’s my fault. He said “you were almost purring like a cat” at all the attention.

So? What's wrong with enjoying attention? What's wrong with feeling attractive?

Seniorschoolmum · 06/05/2019 11:58

For heaven’s sake don’t marry him. My ex-bil did exactly the same before he tried to sell their house and force my sister to give up work and live with his parents so they could “keep an eye on her” during the day. He ended up in a police cell for dv.

Run.

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:59

I already have children, not with him but from my first marriage.
He has kids too. So it’s a bit more complicated than just cutting my losses and moving on. We’re in the process of buying a house together Sad

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 06/05/2019 11:59

once uyou have a few children you won't be in bars anyway so in a sense it cuold be a totally irrelevant issue

What? Since when are mothers denied entry in bars???

winepls · 06/05/2019 11:59

Disgusting vile behaviour from someone who proclaims to love you & wants to marry you. He needs to get to fuck, pronto.

I hope you're ok OP, this time yesterday all was seemingly fine & now you're potentially split. It must hurt like hell, but it is honestly worth it if this is what you can expect from him xxx

RandomMess · 06/05/2019 11:59

What a complete nob

DanielRicciardosSmile · 06/05/2019 12:00

Get together anything he may have left at your house and put it out on the roof of the car, he can collect it at the same time. Along with a note saying the engagement is over. Then delete and block him on your phone and SM before going out looking gorgeous for a few drinks with your best friend.

Halo84 · 06/05/2019 12:00

But it’s continued to the next day. He showed you who he is, and what you could expect in the future. Even if it was only once.

DistanceCall · 06/05/2019 12:00

So it’s a bit more complicated than just cutting my losses and moving on. We’re in the process of buying a house together

No it isn't. Stop everything right now, while you're still in time.

Do you really want to buy a house with someone who calls you a slag and cannot bear other men to look at you? Do you want to bury yourself alive?

RSAcre · 06/05/2019 12:00

I think I'd give him one chance to properly understand that the problem behaviour was that of the other men and not yours

Yeah, right. Because a man in his mId-40's hasn't yet had a chance to work that out for himself, & needs to be awarded 'chances'.

OP - this behaviour is massively controlling & unfair. I hope you understand that it will definitely get worse? Do you want to be living your life on tenterhooks, looking for (impossible) ways to appease an unreasonable tyrant?

This man will hold YOU accountable for HIS unreasonable feelings until you start to take responsibility for them. You will then tie yourself in knots trying to second-guess him while he blames you for other people's actions & his own emotional inadequacies.

You are only 31 - leave now. Have a nice life with people who cherish & support you. A man who calls you a slag has just shown you what he thinks of all women. Leave.

ScottishDoll · 06/05/2019 12:00

Sounds like a dodged bullet to me.

OP you may feel a bit unhappy about being single but it is markedly preferable to being hitched to someone who considers you owned property and you will clearly have no problems meeting other better life partner candidates who will appreciate you.

PositiveVibez · 06/05/2019 12:01

People are rushing to say drop him a bit too quikcly if this is a one off. Just have a chat to him. He may have just been in a bad mood. Just have a frank discussion about it all. once uyou have a few children you won't be in bars anyway so in a sense it cuold be a totally irrelevant issue - you will be trying to keep baby sick off your work suit as you rush to the nursery and then on to the office!

Wow. Your bar is set very low.

You think because a man is in a bad mood, he gets to call his partner a slag!!!!

You think once you have children, you aren't allowed to go out anymore?

I feel sorry for you if your post is a reflection of your life.

OP. He has showed you who he really is. Run for the hills.

SlowStarters · 06/05/2019 12:01

@ThisIsCheese

'purring like a cat' - what a cunt.

He expects you to apologise. He's a prick, OP. Some lots of them hide it incredibly well.

You must be feeling pretty churned up; keep reminding yourself this is all him, it's nothing you've done, and you're a strong, young, gorgeous woman with a fantastic future ahead of you.

You'll meet someone who deserves you.