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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP angry because I looked attractive last night

639 replies

ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:18

Not stealth boasting, this is genuinely what happened.
We went out last night, I made an effort and I’ll be honest I think I looked nice. Nice make up, my hair had gone just how I wanted it to, new outfit etc.
Met up with DP’s friends and there were a few couples I’d not met before. I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate”.
Anyway we were having a lovely night until we were in one bar, the men had gone to get the drinks and I was approached by two men who were a bit drunk and were trying to chat me up. I didn’t respond and said I was there with my partner, I was stood with two of my DP’s friend’s wives who were finding this hilarious because they were using cheesy lines and trying to buy us all drinks. I laughed it off and carried on with my night.
Later on in another bar another guy tried to talk to me whilst I was stood with DP, I said I was with him and he shook his hand and left.
DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.
We haven’t spoken since. I’m ignoring his calls because I’m so hurt by his behaviour.
We’ve been together for 4 years, we’re engaged and I’ve never given him any reason to think I’m interested in anyone else.

For what it’s worth I was wearing a full length jumpsuit so I wasn’t dressed with everything on show or anything. Not that it should make any difference, I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want.

AIBU to think this is a massive red flag? He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

What do I do now?! I’m ignoring him for now but I’m not sure I can move past this. He’s never been like this before but he’s obviously been judging me for a while if that’s how he feels Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 07/05/2019 21:20

Give the flowers to a nursing home, don’t dump them
They’re in DDs room, they’re pretty and she thinks I bought them Blush

OP posts:
PlinkPlink · 07/05/2019 21:20

So happy to see this OP.

It's sad but you have done the right thing. Fucking awful way to think of someone and he'd clearly been thinking it for a long time.

Ain't nobody got time for dat.

Be happy and free my lovely

Whoops75 · 07/05/2019 21:22

Hope you’re ok

Do you have a friend to talk too?

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 07/05/2019 21:27

@Whoops75 yes, thank you for asking. I have a lovely group of friends and a very supportive family xx

OP posts:
Whoops75 · 07/05/2019 21:51

I’m glad, Mumsnet is great but nothing beats real people x

Motoko · 07/05/2019 21:54

I'm glad to read you've left him, as heartbreaking as that is. You have done the right thing, absolutely. His being very drunk, just meant that he lost his inhibition, and control, blowing his cover quite spectacularly.

But you're so lucky that he showed his real self now, before you got tied to him with the house and marriage.

I'm also very glad to hear you have supportive family and friends. They will be a big help while you're grieving the relationship you thought you had, and building a new future.

I wish you all the best. Flowers

ashleighsmilie88 · 07/05/2019 21:57

Well done you! I wish I had walked the first time I was called a slag!

Don't look back and just focus on yourself and your DCs.

Good luck Smile

Hearhere · 07/05/2019 22:00

I would be wondering about the RL identity of the person who is abusing you on the internet OP!

RedTrek · 07/05/2019 22:02

Well done, you. Flowers

I know it must be hard right now but I believe you'll look back on this in years to come and be happy that you made the right decision.

For the sake of his potential future partners, hopefully your exP will do some soul searching and try to correct his misogyny problem. I mean, I wouldn't hold my breath, but a strong woman taking an immediate stand and showing him that this kind of attitude is completely unacceptable is probably the thing most likely to give him a real wake up call.

AsleepAllDay · 07/05/2019 23:03

I'm sorry that this happened OP. You have definitely made the right choice. Give yourself time to grieve, mourn and cry about it. Any relationship breakup is hard, let alone one with such surprising bad behaviour.

Well done on seeing him for who he is and knowing that you don't want to put up with it. This frees you up to make your own plans about property, in time, and meet someone who doesn't think it's normal to behave like this to the woman he claims to love!

PJ67 · 07/05/2019 23:47

I know I'm going against the majority here but if your 4 year relationship has been perfect up to now is it really worth breaking up over something he said when he was very drunk? This does not mean I condone what he has done and you have every right to be extremely hurt and perhaps put off buying a house together but it doesn't have to mean you can't ever be happy together again.

PickAChew · 07/05/2019 23:59

PJ67 being drunk doesn't make you say things you don't mean, it takes the filter off and reveals stuff that is deep down inside you, part of your core values. Cheese's STBX revealed his core values, that night, namely that women who look attractive only do it to attract men and that they are to be despised for that.

Fine for you, if you could stay with a man who revealed that he has no respect for women and sees them only as sex objects.

ptumbi · 08/05/2019 07:32

Wow - I didn't see Agin's posts before deletion. but I gather that now that Cheese have dumped him, there are suggestions that other abused women are being thick and stupid for not dumping at the first Red Flag?

After hundreds of posts calling for him to be dumped at the first Red Flag (and harrowing stories of those who didn't Sad) - she is now too assertive?

And now PJ who thinks that one Red Flag is not really much, if he's drunk.... Angry

FOR FUCKS SAKE! Stop it! Being called a Slag at any point in any relationship means the relationship is not worth it. Drunk/high/stoned/sober.

4 years/10years/30 years.
Get out at that point, because it's not worth it. The relationship is NOT what you want, and will never be, from that point on. NO second chances. NO chances to hurt you further, NO chances to say 'well you took it last time', NO more chances to belittle you, to confuse you, to pass the cycle of abuse onto the children.

ptumbi · 08/05/2019 07:38

This is NOT your fault, Cheese. It is his. The sooner men realise that women will leave at this first red Flag, the sooner they will learn to treat women with respect.

I wish every person, male or female could read this thread. Females need to realise that they can and should get out straight away at being called foul names, not second guess themselves because 'it's not too bad/he doesn't hit me/he's nice the other 90% of the time'. Males because they need to learn to respect women.

ConkerGame · 08/05/2019 08:08

Just read the thread and Thank God he showed his true colours now and really thank god the OP has her head screwed on.

Unfortunately for me I didn’t and although the signs were there from early on I either ignored or minimised or tried to justify them and needless to say it just got worse over time. I was a slag for going out at all by the end.

OP you are absolutely doing the right thing by getting out now, especially as you have a daughter. Otherwise she would learn from you that it’s ok to be with a man who says / thinks such horrible things about you.

Well done OP!!!

WellThisIsShit · 08/05/2019 12:51

Oh gosh, @ThisIsCheese you’ve been through the mill these last through days haven’t you?! I’m so sorry this happened to you.

It’s horrible when someone does something that changes life as you know it, and you can’t go back, no matter how much you want to. And it’s all so upsetting, because they just threw away something so precious, so easily, so thoughtlessly.

CooperD1 · 08/05/2019 13:00

@AginNAgin how bizarrely over invested you are. Just plain strange.

EnoughLifeLessons · 08/05/2019 14:49

Just read this and you've had a hard time, unfortunately there will always be people who just want to attack someone rather than help. You sound strong and very switched on and hope the unhelpful posts haven't brought you down too much.

He sounds awful and a lot like my ex - I came back from the office Xmas party 2 years ago and I was wearing a different perfume to the one I usually wore (still a very feminine perfume, it was one of those tiny samples I got from somewhere and found in my bag and decided to test it). I got 1.5 hours of shouting from him, he just went into a massive jealous rage which he had never done before, ever. He thought I changed my perfume to attract someone... wtf?! It was awful. But when i thought about it, he was always just a little bit difficult (texting me, making lots of negative comments the next day, making me feel guilty for staying out late) about me going out and I had already started to come home early from every single night out because I knew how he felt. There was this pressure I felt to not go out too much etc. That night was an eye opener although it took another 9 months and a few more incidents (not jealousy related) for me to leave.

Coyoacan · 08/05/2019 16:41

Gosh, you have your head screwed on the right way, OP, I wish more of us were like you.

A friend of mine was with an emotionally abusive man for 11 years, because the first 6 years were fine. By the time she left she had serious problem of anxiety and depression

ThinkingFeeling · 08/05/2019 17:16

With my ex it took a full 5 years before his masked slipped. I was absolutely devestated but I walked away too, OP, at that first sign.

I spent the next year wondering if I'd made a mistake - even my friends said I was crazy to end it 'over one dumb thing'. But wow I'm so, so glad I did end it.

I met an amazing man who I'm now married to and it's only in hindsight that i see the relationship with my ex was wrong.

Listen to your gut, just as you're doing. You know whether it's forgivable or not.

Best of luck.

ememem84 · 08/05/2019 17:37

As far as I’m concerned only three “things” tell the truth. Drunk people. Children. And leggings.

Not that I’m saying the op is a slag by the way. I mean that her so showed himself truthfully to her. So yeah. I’d be leaving.

If dh ever called me a slag he’d be gone. Or I would. Either way. We wouldn’t be together any more.

Incidentally. Do you have a link to the jumpsuit?

PillowTalker · 08/05/2019 18:27

I'm going to go against the popular opinion here OP and say that I'd not have been so quick to end this.

You've admitted that it's hitherto been brilliant and that you've both got a lot invested in the relationship and it seems a shame to lose it all. I would have definitely made changes and put the brakes on things like the house purchase.

Remember that in addition to this forum being the hidey hole for lots of bitter and spurned people it's also in a lot of people's voyeuristic interests to stir the pot and stoke the flames of their mass indignation.

There we go, I await my inevitable flaming....

PickAChew · 08/05/2019 18:30

Would you expect anything other than a flaming for suggesting we're all bitter and spurned? You must be a masochist.

PillowTalker · 08/05/2019 18:32

Not all...... Lots

Grumpelstilskin · 08/05/2019 18:32

@PillowTalker It's not going against popular opinion, it's having extremely low standards and being too desperate to be in a relationship to ignore blatantly abusive behaviour.