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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP angry because I looked attractive last night

639 replies

ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:18

Not stealth boasting, this is genuinely what happened.
We went out last night, I made an effort and I’ll be honest I think I looked nice. Nice make up, my hair had gone just how I wanted it to, new outfit etc.
Met up with DP’s friends and there were a few couples I’d not met before. I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate”.
Anyway we were having a lovely night until we were in one bar, the men had gone to get the drinks and I was approached by two men who were a bit drunk and were trying to chat me up. I didn’t respond and said I was there with my partner, I was stood with two of my DP’s friend’s wives who were finding this hilarious because they were using cheesy lines and trying to buy us all drinks. I laughed it off and carried on with my night.
Later on in another bar another guy tried to talk to me whilst I was stood with DP, I said I was with him and he shook his hand and left.
DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.
We haven’t spoken since. I’m ignoring his calls because I’m so hurt by his behaviour.
We’ve been together for 4 years, we’re engaged and I’ve never given him any reason to think I’m interested in anyone else.

For what it’s worth I was wearing a full length jumpsuit so I wasn’t dressed with everything on show or anything. Not that it should make any difference, I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want.

AIBU to think this is a massive red flag? He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

What do I do now?! I’m ignoring him for now but I’m not sure I can move past this. He’s never been like this before but he’s obviously been judging me for a while if that’s how he feels Sad

OP posts:
PillowTalker · 06/05/2019 12:01

Time for a sharp exit.

You know what to do OP.

notacooldad · 06/05/2019 12:01

Honestly this is the first and only time
It's up to you but I'd be making sure there was no chance it could happen again.

I hope you ste not going to be a " one more chance" lass.
Nobody should put up with this behaviour. You will be conscious of what you wear next time, how you are behaving, frightened of talking to someone. Who needs to live like that?

SnapesGreasyHair · 06/05/2019 12:02

Do you feel happy to end the relationship?
No I’m utterly heartbroken

Then don't end it.

But you have to be prepared to change.

That means putting on weight, wearing ill fitting clothes, no makeup, dropping your friends as you can't really socialize with anyone in case it upsets him, and not really looking or speaking to anyone other than your partner if you do go anywhere.

Do you feel able to do that?

DistanceCall · 06/05/2019 12:02

And think of this as a lucky, if painful, event.

Imagine if you had found out this about him when you had already bought a house with him and perhaps had children with him. This may be hard, but that would be a nightmare (albeit one that you would also be able to get out of, but with much more difficulty).

Gamble66 · 06/05/2019 12:02

Then stop and think fucking deeply g if you have children and he replicates this behaviour - just what exactly are you teaching them about relationships? You can loose a few thousand now or a bloody lot more in a few years

CharDee · 06/05/2019 12:02

I'm so sorry OP. This must be so hard for you.

You deserve someone who is proud to have such a beautiful partner.

I'd be bagging anything he had at mine and leaving it in front of his car.

RestingBitchFaced · 06/05/2019 12:03

Wow so he still doesn't thinks he's done anything wrong! What a prick

Halo84 · 06/05/2019 12:03

Call your solicitor to determine how you can get out of the house deal.

TBH, that makes sense. He assumes you are so far down a road, that he has you exactly where he wants you.

Grumpelstilskin · 06/05/2019 12:03

Massive red flag! Game over! It's pretty simple to cut ties and dump his arse if you do not live together. Don't over-complicate things. If my partner was this disrespectful to call me a slag, I'd be tempted to take a massive dump in his car (I wouldn't but imagine it)...

ElfridaEtAl · 06/05/2019 12:03

*Is this genuinely the 1st time he's ever behaved like this in the 4 years you've been together? No other pattern of controlling behaviour at all?

Honestly this is the first and only time*

Let it be the last. Don't let him say sorry or come crawling back, it will only get worse.

Nearly all of us are saying the same thing, please, please believe us. End it now.

Also do you have anything of his in your house you could smash/throw bleach on and leave in a pile at the side of his car to really hammer home the point? No? Just a suggestion Wink

Gamble66 · 06/05/2019 12:04

I also bet its actually not the 1st time _- just the 1st time it's been overt - he thinks he has his feet under the table now you are buying a house.

SmileEachDay · 06/05/2019 12:04

OP it does sound as though he’s been judging you for a while.

It also says something about his attitude towards women.

What do you want to do?

DanielRicciardosSmile · 06/05/2019 12:04

Honestly this is the first and only time

But not the last if you stay with him. You need to make it the last.

bluebeck · 06/05/2019 12:04

You seriously want to buy a house with a man who thinks you are a slag?

CustardySergeant · 06/05/2019 12:05

Thank goodness you found out his true nature before marrying him. Please take this chance to end the relationship now.

SlowStarters · 06/05/2019 12:05

We’re in the process of buying a house together

I would guess that he feels you're invested enough in the relationship now that he can let his mask slip a bit.

I'm actually not surprised he hasn't shown any red flags before, if you both have kids/jobs and don't live together, you may not have had chance yet.

PurpleDaisies · 06/05/2019 12:05

Have there been other problems in your relationship?

It sounds like he’s trying to pick a fight with you and make you the bad guy. I wonder if there’s something else going on.

The fact he’s not even sorry in the cold light of day would be the nail in the coffin for the relationship for me.

LillithsFamiliar · 06/05/2019 12:05

He didn't apologise because this was all a power play. You were supposed to send him frantic texts/messages after he walked out and he was then going to lecture you, get you to do the pick me dance and then grudgingly give you another chance Hmm
I don't think it's a coincidence this happened when you're buying a house together. He thinks you're committed so he can ramp up being controlling. He's establishing the power dynamic.
Walk away.
It won't be easy but it will be much easier than trying to build a life with someone who has no respect for you.

Missingstreetlife · 06/05/2019 12:06

Ask his wife why they split up. She may have a story to tell.
Put the house buying off, even if you lose money. Sorry if your kids will be upset but better than living in fear.

DistanceCall · 06/05/2019 12:06

It's his first time in 4 years because now he feels he is safe - you are buying a house together, he has met your children, you won't be pulling out.

This is only going to get worse if you let this one slip. It's the first salvo. If you let it go by, you're implicitly accepting it, and it will only increase.

eddielizzard · 06/05/2019 12:06

Wow. Well he can't handle how attractive you are. Weird. I would at the very minimum stop the house buying together. Absolutely no way would I make any long term commitments to him right now. How upsetting. What a twerp.

Nogoodusername · 06/05/2019 12:06

This is just the beginning - he let his mask slip a bit too early (men like this usually wait until you are more ‘tied ’ - married, joint property, children - to show their true colours). It will eventually escalate to where you are amending all your behaviour to fit around them - your clothes, your friends, how much you go out etc - so as not to provoke arguments, make them angry etc

lampshade7 · 06/05/2019 12:07

You can stop buying a house with him, you might lose money but that is nothing to what continuing a relationship with this "man" will cost you. Your children aren't his, so there should be no complications there even if they do love him, they will adapt to him being out if their lives. Please listen to what we are saying.

Harebel · 06/05/2019 12:07

Ugh he's shown his true colours now. A man that can call a woman a slag is not worth hanging onto. Lucky escape if you get out now though I have a feeling you won't.

It'll always be your fault if you let this slide and make up with him. His comments are UNACCEPTABLE. I wouldn't be hankering for grovelling meaningless apologies from him either. He can go fuck himself. Jealous angry man who sees you as his "property".

I'd be so livid at being called a slag not least by someone who supposedly loves me and wants to have a future with me.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 06/05/2019 12:07

@Gamble66

I also bet its actually not the 1st time _- just the 1st time it's been overt - he thinks he has his feet under the table now you are buying a house

I agree 100% He's been thinking of OP in this way all along and now feels comfortable enough to say it as he thinks the house is enough of a tie. I literally go cold thinking how he'll step things up if she marries him.

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