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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP angry because I looked attractive last night

639 replies

ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:18

Not stealth boasting, this is genuinely what happened.
We went out last night, I made an effort and I’ll be honest I think I looked nice. Nice make up, my hair had gone just how I wanted it to, new outfit etc.
Met up with DP’s friends and there were a few couples I’d not met before. I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate”.
Anyway we were having a lovely night until we were in one bar, the men had gone to get the drinks and I was approached by two men who were a bit drunk and were trying to chat me up. I didn’t respond and said I was there with my partner, I was stood with two of my DP’s friend’s wives who were finding this hilarious because they were using cheesy lines and trying to buy us all drinks. I laughed it off and carried on with my night.
Later on in another bar another guy tried to talk to me whilst I was stood with DP, I said I was with him and he shook his hand and left.
DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.
We haven’t spoken since. I’m ignoring his calls because I’m so hurt by his behaviour.
We’ve been together for 4 years, we’re engaged and I’ve never given him any reason to think I’m interested in anyone else.

For what it’s worth I was wearing a full length jumpsuit so I wasn’t dressed with everything on show or anything. Not that it should make any difference, I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want.

AIBU to think this is a massive red flag? He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

What do I do now?! I’m ignoring him for now but I’m not sure I can move past this. He’s never been like this before but he’s obviously been judging me for a while if that’s how he feels Sad

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 06/05/2019 11:28

He called you a slag?!

Please don't let him minimise his behaviour or blame you for it. He's a controlling abusive arsehole and showed you his true colours.

As many wise mumsnetters have said, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

NineinaBed · 06/05/2019 11:28

Was this incident a one off or does it happen slot?

AnyFucker · 06/05/2019 11:29

Bin him

Once he has a ring on your finger he will expect you to stay barefoot in the kitchen. You have been warned...ignore at your peril.

NineinaBed · 06/05/2019 11:29

A lot*

AskMeHow · 06/05/2019 11:29

DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.

Honestly, I would be so done with a man who said that to me. There's no coming back from that. How awful for you to find out this is how he thinks Sad

I'm really sorry he's turned out to be an arsehole.

VictoriaBun · 06/05/2019 11:29

So he's engaged to you and your a slag ! Well I'd think the engagement is off !
You can do much better than him. I always think if someone is showing their true colours, watch and learn. I'd be walking away.

Myworstnightmare123 · 06/05/2019 11:29

I was with someone like this....he used to check my bag to see what clothes I had packed for any overnight work trips and remove anything he thought was too revealing or 'slutty'! He also tried to run me over after I said hello to someone I knew in a takeaway restaurant. Controlling jealous wanker. This behaviour is not on OP.

SlowStarters · 06/05/2019 11:30

No I’m utterly heartbroken

I really feel for you, OP. It's not as easy as 'leave him' but this is a big red flag, as everyone is saying. He had no right to put you down; he tried to make you feel bad for simply looking good because it made him feel insecure.

If a friend's DP had treated them like that, what you advise them to do?

Flowers

Do you live with him?

TheoriginalLEM · 06/05/2019 11:30

Do not marry him

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:30

Cant believe he hasn't sent many grovelling messages this morn

This is what I was expecting to be honest but it’s been radio silence since 9am.
His car is here so he’ll have to come and collect it at some point.

I thought he’d wake up this morning and feel terrible, grovelling apologies etc and thought maybe he just had too much to drink. But his silence speaks volumes.

I refuse to be “punished” for doing absolutely nothing wrong. He can fuck off to the far side of fuck as far as I’m concerned.

I’m so hurt. I feel sick and my stomach is in knots.

OP posts:
Ellabella989 · 06/05/2019 11:31

He should be proud to have such an attractive girlfriend who other people think looks great. If my bf called me a slag when I had done absolutely nothing wrong other than look nice it would be game over!

Damntheman · 06/05/2019 11:31

That would be it for me as well. What a dickhead! He can't take his insecurities out on you like that, don't accept it.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 06/05/2019 11:31

Arsehole alert!

Please don’t marry this awful man.

RevealTheLegend · 06/05/2019 11:32

I’ve have never given him any reason not to trust me

This says nothing whatsoever about you and absolutely everything about him.

It will be one or both of the following:

He is unpleasant and insecure. Rather than work on his insecurities he is taking it out on you. Everything will always be you fault.

He is projecting, he’s a player and totally would be cheating if he got half a chance.

MonnieMoo · 06/05/2019 11:32

I think I'd give him one chance to properly understand that the problem behaviour was that of the other men and not yours

As other PPs have said, this is a huge red flag. I also wanted to add that the above comment isn't fair either. The men who approached you did nothing wrong, they found you attractive, tried to chat you up and left when you told them you weren't interested. Nothing wrong done by anyone here. Your OH is probably feeling insecure partly because of the age difference, but that is not your fault and the way he spoke to you and made you feel is inexcusable!

LagunaBubbles · 06/05/2019 11:32

I wouldn't be in a relationship with anyone that called me a slag, never marry him. You have the choice to end it now, as much as you will be heartbroken. Because it's so predictable what will happen if you don't. Please don't even think of bringing children into this relationship either. I've seen it so so many times here.

Sybelline · 06/05/2019 11:32

Run.for.the.hills.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/05/2019 11:33

Well he had broken cover, hasn't he?

Consider why he seems to be the only person who reacted that way? And then ask yourself if that is who you thought he was?

Jealous, nasty, crude, dismissive and a liar to boot - or rather, to put the boot in!

As others have said, believe what he has revealed about himself and dump his nasty jealous self.

TatianaLarina · 06/05/2019 11:33

This can’t be the first time as you’ve been together a while.

Fannybaws52 · 06/05/2019 11:33

OP please listen to how many of us are telling you to RUN!

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

He is showing you the real him. Abusers don't start off abusive. If they did, they'd never get control. He is jealous, abusive and a sexist pig.

If you stay with him, your life will be shut indoors wearing whatever he tells you to wear. Even then, you will be accused of being a tart who wants other men. He may even slag you off for not looking good anymore. You can't win with men like him. It's all his way or you get an earful and made to feel like it's all you who causes it.

He is a text book abuser and you are getting a hint now. Please walk away before he steal away your youth and happiness and leaves you a depressed, anxious 40-something year old with no friends, no confidence and no resources to leave.

RUN!

notacooldad · 06/05/2019 11:33

What do I do now?
He called you a slag!!!
What do you think you do assuming you have plenty of self respect.
No way would I put up with anyone saying that even as a joke.

If course you are heartbroken. Ending relationships are often difficult but do you want to be heartbroken everytime you have a night out and this prick gets the rage? No way to live.

fecketyfeck21 · 06/05/2019 11:34

red flag waving communist mumsnet Grin
op you know deep down this is all wrong and that you can't marry this guy, what's he going to be like one you've got the ring on your finger ?
you really will become [in his mind] his property.
get rid of him.

Branleuse · 06/05/2019 11:34

Im sorry OP, that must be really heartbreaking to realise that someone you love can say and think such horrible things about you.

SlowStarters · 06/05/2019 11:34

You sound really strong, OP. Hold onto that.

And the sick/knotty feeling will pass. You'll be so glad that you didn't ignore this behaviour from him.

He did well to keep this side of him hidden for 4 years (lots of them do) - looking back can you think of anything else he did that was disrespectful or controlling?

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:34

Was this incident a one off or does it happen a lot?

Nope. He’s normally very mild mannered and really lovely. This is why I’m so shocked.

I think I’m more hurt because it seems he’s been judging me. I had no idea he had these insecurities

OP posts:
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