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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP angry because I looked attractive last night

639 replies

ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:18

Not stealth boasting, this is genuinely what happened.
We went out last night, I made an effort and I’ll be honest I think I looked nice. Nice make up, my hair had gone just how I wanted it to, new outfit etc.
Met up with DP’s friends and there were a few couples I’d not met before. I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate”.
Anyway we were having a lovely night until we were in one bar, the men had gone to get the drinks and I was approached by two men who were a bit drunk and were trying to chat me up. I didn’t respond and said I was there with my partner, I was stood with two of my DP’s friend’s wives who were finding this hilarious because they were using cheesy lines and trying to buy us all drinks. I laughed it off and carried on with my night.
Later on in another bar another guy tried to talk to me whilst I was stood with DP, I said I was with him and he shook his hand and left.
DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.
We haven’t spoken since. I’m ignoring his calls because I’m so hurt by his behaviour.
We’ve been together for 4 years, we’re engaged and I’ve never given him any reason to think I’m interested in anyone else.

For what it’s worth I was wearing a full length jumpsuit so I wasn’t dressed with everything on show or anything. Not that it should make any difference, I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want.

AIBU to think this is a massive red flag? He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

What do I do now?! I’m ignoring him for now but I’m not sure I can move past this. He’s never been like this before but he’s obviously been judging me for a while if that’s how he feels Sad

OP posts:
Hermagsjesty · 06/05/2019 11:46

I’m so sorry OP - you must be very upset. I don’t think there is any excuse for a man to call someone he supposedly loves a slag. It would be over for me.

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 06/05/2019 11:48

Don't marry him.
Get out now.

PlinkPlink · 06/05/2019 11:48

Very red flag (is it possible to be very red? 🤔)

OP, this is very worrying. It leads on to not being allowed to go out, being told what to wear or what not to wear, being told if you have too much make up on, being told you look like a slut for wearing normal clothes, being controlled, being stifled and suffocated and possibly worse.

And he's clearly been hiding this from you. Which is disconcerting to say the least.

You are engaged... there is nothing for him to fear. You turned down all those men because you want him. His response? Rage and jealousy.

The fact hes not grovelling either suggests that he truly does feel that way. This is the real him, love.

Leave before you become trapped. I know its heartbreaking but he hasn't actually shown you the real him until now.

megrichardson · 06/05/2019 11:49

Another voice telling you: This is only the beginning of it. You must get rid of him now. Thank goodness you're not married or have children with him.
It will get worse, OP. Many of us have been there.

You must leave him.

Ownerofmultiplechimps · 06/05/2019 11:49

Please end this OP. I’m not a poster who usually advises this but I’ve been in an almost identical situation & didn’t leave at the same red flag. It got worse & worse, I wasn’t me in the end, constantly on edge that I might do or say something wrong. It’s not a life & you have a chance to avoid this.

He is the problem, not you, your behaviour or outfit, please remember that.

Tillymintsmama · 06/05/2019 11:49

Is this genuinely the 1st time he's ever behaved like this in the 4 years you've been together? No other pattern of controlling behaviour at all? I'm with the others who say LTB, because it's dreadful, but I just wonder with hindsight, if you have let other stuff go?

Biancadelrioisback · 06/05/2019 11:49

You need to try and get him to say it though OP. Ask him what behaviour of yours he is sick of. Keep asking what you did wrong and try to get him to admit that he is an insecure Muppet who can't handle an attractive woman.

MonnieMoo · 06/05/2019 11:50

People are rushing to say drop him a bit too quikcly if this is a one off. Just have a chat to him. He may have just been in a bad mood. Just have a frank discussion about it all. once uyou have a few children you won't be in bars anyway so in a sense it cuold be a totally irrelevant issue - you will be trying to keep baby sick off your work suit as you rush to the nursery and then on to the office!

Shocking post! Unhelpful and untrue. If it isn’t how you dress to go to bars it will be how you dress going other places, other men exist everywhere... please don’t listen to this poster.

clutterqu33n · 06/05/2019 11:50

sounds like you are not married, don't live together and don't have children yet.

Much easier to get out of a relationship at that stage. Cut your losses and move on.

I have been there. Massive red flag and trust me, it will not get better. He just showed for the first time his true colours.

SlowStarters · 06/05/2019 11:51

For context, when I was out with my (not perfect!) DH for drinks I was approached by a pleasant enough man asking if I was alone (DH nipped to bathroom) and if he could buy me a drink.

I said I was really flattered but happily married, the guy smiled and said that's a shame, but we chatted, and DH re-appeared just as the guy was saying bye, and doing that sort of that air-kissing both my cheeks.

My DH's reaction when I explained - he smiled widely and said I should have let him buy me a drink before I told him I was married! Grin

If he'd have called me a slag or made me feel I'd done anything wrong, I just couldn't get past that. It screams of insecurity and that sort of person is very likely to try and control you to limit their insecurities.

Samind · 06/05/2019 11:51

Absolutely not acceptable or justifiable even if he does have a million good points. Bless you OP!

HollowTalk · 06/05/2019 11:51

She said they're engaged.

Halo84 · 06/05/2019 11:51

Once she has children, it will be the grocer, or a father at the school, or a work colleague. It will worsen.

gwhizz75 · 06/05/2019 11:52

once uyou have a few children you won't be in bars anyway so in a sense it cuold be a totally irrelevant issue

Eh? Did I miss the OP mentioning something about wanting children?

Also, bit of a strange approach to the issue tbh. It is his attitude that is the problem here, not the fact that the OP goes to bars. If she stops going to bars, for whatever reason, that isn’t really solving the problem is it?

RandomMess · 06/05/2019 11:52
Thanks

That's so crap!

My OH would get a bit of green eye if he saw me being chatted up and also get a bit puffed up because we're together!!! However he knows his reaction/feelings are his problem and certainly never ever takes it out on me/blames me.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 06/05/2019 11:52

once uyou have a few children you won't be in bars anyway

Oh well that makes it OK then. As long as you don't upset your partner in any way it's perfectly fine for them to be an abusive, misogynistic arsehole. Good to know. Hmm

AndreaBiscuit · 06/05/2019 11:53

Dump dump and dump.

jellyfish70 · 06/05/2019 11:53

He called you a slag? I'd be out of that relationship OP.

Whisky2014 · 06/05/2019 11:54

Sorry, OP but I think you need to end it.

What did his friends say/do when he left?

SlowStarters · 06/05/2019 11:54

He may have just been in a bad mood.

Poor guy. Yeah, we all go around calling our partners slags if we've had a hard day. Hmm

Alarae · 06/05/2019 11:54

He should be pumped he has an attractive partner that he calls his fiancée, lucky even, instead of projecting his own insecurities on to you and trying to put you down.

You did not court the attention and you have stated you deflected it and consistently mentioned you were involved.

He's the ugly one OP.

DistanceCall · 06/05/2019 11:54

I used to go out with a man who was 12 years older than me. When I made a bit of an effort and looked nice (and men looked at me), he wasn't bothered in the least - on the contrary, he was proud to be going out with an attractive woman.

This man is a controlling cunt. Get rid, and be happy that you dodged this bullet.

Fiveredbricks · 06/05/2019 11:54

Run, like the fucking wind.

Justgivemesomepeace · 06/05/2019 11:55

Youll probably already start to be wary of what you wear, how you present yourself in future now, even subconsciously. It will chip away at you. His behaviour will start to train you to behave how he wants you to be and you probably wont realise until its too late.
Good that you have picked this up but the damage is probably done.
Easier said than done, but i'd get out now.

Tunnockswafer · 06/05/2019 11:55

A bit of jealousy is one thing but calling your fiancé a slag is a massive no-no. I couldn’t put up with that and nor should anyone.

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