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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP angry because I looked attractive last night

639 replies

ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:18

Not stealth boasting, this is genuinely what happened.
We went out last night, I made an effort and I’ll be honest I think I looked nice. Nice make up, my hair had gone just how I wanted it to, new outfit etc.
Met up with DP’s friends and there were a few couples I’d not met before. I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate”.
Anyway we were having a lovely night until we were in one bar, the men had gone to get the drinks and I was approached by two men who were a bit drunk and were trying to chat me up. I didn’t respond and said I was there with my partner, I was stood with two of my DP’s friend’s wives who were finding this hilarious because they were using cheesy lines and trying to buy us all drinks. I laughed it off and carried on with my night.
Later on in another bar another guy tried to talk to me whilst I was stood with DP, I said I was with him and he shook his hand and left.
DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.
We haven’t spoken since. I’m ignoring his calls because I’m so hurt by his behaviour.
We’ve been together for 4 years, we’re engaged and I’ve never given him any reason to think I’m interested in anyone else.

For what it’s worth I was wearing a full length jumpsuit so I wasn’t dressed with everything on show or anything. Not that it should make any difference, I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want.

AIBU to think this is a massive red flag? He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

What do I do now?! I’m ignoring him for now but I’m not sure I can move past this. He’s never been like this before but he’s obviously been judging me for a while if that’s how he feels Sad

OP posts:
WoahMySocksAreOnFire · 07/05/2019 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 07/05/2019 15:26

Imagine you are off on a night out again this weekend, with you dp and some his or your friends, same ‘kind of night’, would you be happy and comfortable to wear the same thing, same make up and hair etc, or would you now change your behaviour/wardrobe/the way you looked etc?
I would absolutely be comfortable and happy wearing what I did. I always have and always will wear what I want to. I wasn’t even dressed provocatively, I regularly wear much more revealing or sexy outfits than a full length jumpsuit. I like having my cleavage out and I will continue to wear push up bras as much as I want Grin
DP was always very complimentary about my outfits and how I look and usually proud if anyone made a nice remark about me.
I literally have no idea what got into him on Sunday night. But it won’t be happening again.

OP posts:
Tunnockswafer · 07/05/2019 16:11

It won’t happen again as you’re breaking up, or it won’t happen as you won’t stand for it?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/05/2019 16:17

Glad to hear you won’t change your behaviour OP.

SimplySteveRedux · 07/05/2019 16:29

He's bellowing who he is at you through a megaphone. Please believe him and run. Has he begun isolating you from friends yet? Disgruntled at you for having male friends? He's a Neanderthal.

Gigglinghysterically · 07/05/2019 16:41

The OP is justifying what her vile partner said to her. It's difficult but she doesn't want to listen to the pretty unanimous replies on here.
Clearly he will be forgiven as he hasn't done anything like this before. (There is always a first time for everything).

I hope you won't be posting on MN again in the future about all the terrible things he says and his controlling ways but it is highly likely that you will.

AginNAgin · 07/05/2019 16:45

Any word from him since the flowers?

Gth1234 · 07/05/2019 16:49

sounds like prince charles syndrome.

wellballstoyou · 07/05/2019 16:51

mmm I had exactly the same from a former boyfriend years ago! Almost word for word!

I dumped him. He made me feel so crap.

BIWI · 07/05/2019 16:52

@Gigglinghysterically I don't think she's staying with him though - not according to earlier posts? (Although @ThisisCheese you have been a bit ambiguous in what you've said - I hope very much that you have chucked him)

PickAChew · 07/05/2019 16:52

Are people reading a different OP from me, or something?

TeacupDrama · 07/05/2019 16:52

whether or not the relationship is completely over you must pull out of buying the house

Whether the party you are purchasing it from likes it or not you can pull out without legal consequence any time before you actually sign in England, if you are in Scotland it is a bit different

so Pull out now so either you have sufficient time to work through the issues and decide to give relationship another go and then re-examine in 12 months whether to purchase together or the relationship is over for good so you won't ever be buying a house together but you can not let the time frame for purchasing this house put you in a situation in even 6 weeks time where you are trapped as contracts are signed,

if you signed the contracts last week and are due to complete in a day or two then you need to see a lawyer asap

fizzandchips · 07/05/2019 16:53

I wish people would read the whole thread or at the very least OPs updates.
You’re doing the right thing OP. Thank goodness he showed you who he was before you bought the house. Be kind to yourself and stay strong.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/05/2019 16:58

Hi @ThisIsCheese how are you today? I think you should be proud of yourself. You sound very together and you're absolutely right; what he said was unforgivable. He's shown you who he really is.

Sorry though, must hurt after 4 years. But you're doing the right thing. Please look after yourself.

rupple · 07/05/2019 17:31

I'd be very surprised if you didn't give him another chance after '4 perfect years' OP. You sound very calm for someone who's just dumped their partner, too calm.

Lweji · 07/05/2019 18:23

You sound very calm for someone who's just dumped their partner, too calm.

Not everyone is Bridget Jones.

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 07/05/2019 18:26

@rupple I’m not a very dramatic person 😂
If I was any more chilled out I’d be horizontal. I’m sad, but a bit numb if I’m honest. I feel like I’m going to wake up out of a bad dream and it’ll be Sunday morning when my life was perfect

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 07/05/2019 18:28

I haven’t heard from him today other than a “good morning. I love you” text.
I haven’t replied. I need some space before I can actually talk to him.
I feel so sad for our children though, I really love his DDs and my DCs will be devastated, particularly my DD who views him as a father figure.

OP posts:
pinkgloves · 07/05/2019 18:37

Anyone who can call any woman a slag, let alone a partner isn't fit to be a partner or Father to daughters. Or sons for that matter. Vile man. If you do stay with him you're a massive mug and can never say the warning signs weren't there before you got too deep.

Nice men don't act like that. Actions speak louder than words, he's shown you his real self.

cherrytreesa · 07/05/2019 18:43

I really appreciate all the advice but I’m unsure why everyone is suggesting I go to counselling it do the freedom programme?

It's standard on here when someone asks for advice about a relationship, no matter how serious, along with:

LTB, call womens aid, just move out, take in some ironing for the extra income you'll lose if you split.

Jux · 07/05/2019 18:56

I think the counselling/freedom programme advice has a lot more to do with breaking a pattern of behaviour. When a poster shows a possible pattern, ie children by someone other than current partner as well as current partner displaying abusive behaviour, then it implies that poster may (may) be sending out signals that they are vulnerable to abusers. It makes sense to suggest counselling, as we only get a snapshot of op's life. It is, of course, entirely up to op whether they choose to follow the suggestion.

AsleepAllDay · 07/05/2019 19:04

It sounds like you are preparing to go back to him - you are idealising your life before this as 'perfect' and no doubt hope that he will suddenly change

But you can't undo this situation. Plenty of posters with past experience started on that slippery slope and their partners repeated the behaviour / modified it to control them in new ways.

We all have different thresholds but he doesn't sound like someone who should be raising daughters to me. He was completely out of order and is now trying to make it up to you

Does it occur to you that he didn't have to say or do any of that? It was totally from his head, and he thought it was appropriate to think, and say? He may have been angelic before this but this is a serious indication of attitudes and thoughts that he will have been hiding from you

Lweji · 07/05/2019 19:14

I suspect that when you start to look back past this numbness your life, or rather, your relationship will start to look less perfect. It's likely that he gave away early signs, such as comments about other women, or subtle controlling behaviour.

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 07/05/2019 19:18

When a poster shows a possible pattern, ie children by someone other than current partner as well as current partner displaying abusive behaviour, then it implies that poster may (may) be sending out signals that they are vulnerable to abusers

Well that’s a massive leap. My ex and I split up because we didn’t love each other anymore, we get on really well and coparent fine. There is no “pattern”... DP behaved like this once is 4 years, I’ve never been in an abusive relationship and we barely ever had a disagreement until Sunday night. I will not tolerate being spoken to like that get anyone let alone a partner!

@AsleepAllDay believe it or not it was perfect. We were very happy and he’s never before displayed any misogynistic traits, adores his daughters and his sisters / mum.

But he’s ruined it all. He hurt me deeply and offended me. Who does that to someone they supposedly love? He doesn’t normally drink very much and was very very drunk which undoubtedly played a part.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 07/05/2019 19:19

@Lweji honestly he didn't. Not even once or I wouldn’t have stayed for 4 years.

OP posts: