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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP angry because I looked attractive last night

639 replies

ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:18

Not stealth boasting, this is genuinely what happened.
We went out last night, I made an effort and I’ll be honest I think I looked nice. Nice make up, my hair had gone just how I wanted it to, new outfit etc.
Met up with DP’s friends and there were a few couples I’d not met before. I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate”.
Anyway we were having a lovely night until we were in one bar, the men had gone to get the drinks and I was approached by two men who were a bit drunk and were trying to chat me up. I didn’t respond and said I was there with my partner, I was stood with two of my DP’s friend’s wives who were finding this hilarious because they were using cheesy lines and trying to buy us all drinks. I laughed it off and carried on with my night.
Later on in another bar another guy tried to talk to me whilst I was stood with DP, I said I was with him and he shook his hand and left.
DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.
We haven’t spoken since. I’m ignoring his calls because I’m so hurt by his behaviour.
We’ve been together for 4 years, we’re engaged and I’ve never given him any reason to think I’m interested in anyone else.

For what it’s worth I was wearing a full length jumpsuit so I wasn’t dressed with everything on show or anything. Not that it should make any difference, I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want.

AIBU to think this is a massive red flag? He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

What do I do now?! I’m ignoring him for now but I’m not sure I can move past this. He’s never been like this before but he’s obviously been judging me for a while if that’s how he feels Sad

OP posts:
leomama81 · 07/05/2019 19:40

So it’s a bit more complicated than just cutting my losses and moving on. We’re in the process of buying a house together

It'll be a lot more complicated once you've bought the house and married.

This was the thinking that led me to marry my emotionally (and ultimately, physically) abusive boyfriend. By which time I was hardly going out with friends as he got so shitty every time. I ended up leaving him two months later and two years on I am still dealing with the financial consequences.

It will never be easier to leave than it is now. I'm sorry OP but the way he is talking to you is disgusting and the fact he isn't even sorry even worse.

AginNAgin · 07/05/2019 19:47

He was perfect and he was just very drunk... It will never happen again. Yadda yadda yadda.

If your perfect 4 years compensates for being called a slag, fair enough.
Your choice.
You've been warned. Not by us. By him. He's warned you of what he's capable of, of what he thinks of you and of what the future will bring.

He is not fucking perfect. Get that out of your head for a start lovey.

SmileEachDay · 07/05/2019 19:51

AginNAgin

The OP has said she is ending things.

AginNAgin · 07/05/2019 19:54

No she hasn't.

AginNAgin · 07/05/2019 19:57

She has said she's sad and disappointed. Never once has she said 'I've dumped him'. In fact she has said that he's still texting her as normal. She hasn't pulled out of the house purchase, she is just giving him the cold shoulder. Oh my love - if only it was that easy.

It's fine - women stay. Everybody knows that.

She's going to do what she likes. We get it. So the next thing will be a slap. Unless he suddenly returns to his Mr. Perfect act..... Yup, he's already back into the Mr. Perfect role.

AginNAgin · 07/05/2019 20:00

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AginNAgin · 07/05/2019 20:04

OP he wasn't drunk Monday morning when he told you that you were purring was he?

NineinaBed · 07/05/2019 20:08

God that purring comment was disgusting.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 07/05/2019 20:09

Re-read the OP’s posts, @AginNAgin. She’s made it clear she’s dumping him.

Mummyshark2019 · 07/05/2019 20:10

Leave this man. He will make your life hell on earth.

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 07/05/2019 20:11

@AginNAgin

OP he wasn't drunk Monday morning when he told you that you were purring was he?

Actually he was.
And I have broken it off with him. The irony of your aggressive posts however appears to be lost on you Hmm

Our relationship up until that point had been perfect and shown zero signs of anything being amiss

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 07/05/2019 20:12

I haven’t spoken to him since... I will have to because of circumstances such as the house and also to exchange each other’s things
It’s so sad that 4 perfect years could be ruined so easily

I think this makes it pretty clear Agn

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 07/05/2019 20:12

Do you know what @AginNAgin your posts are actually pretty rude.

OP posts:
Auba14 · 07/05/2019 20:13

AginNAgin Even if she wasn’t leaving him this should be a place of support for the OP - its like you’re forgetting there’s a woman who’s life has basically been shattered over the past couple of days, and that takes time to process and deal with. It’s almost as if you’re projecting onto the OP and that’s grossly unfair.

Everyone knows the OP needs to get out and get things dealt with and ended, but she can do that in her own time, not when people on Mumsnet tell her to.

SmileEachDay · 07/05/2019 20:13

Cheese I think it was me who suggested counselling- I meant if you stayed, then couples counselling would maybe be appropriate.

But you aren’t. I hope you and your kids aren’t too sad. Or his kids, actually. Your DC have a wonderful role model as a mum.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 07/05/2019 20:15

I don't understand why any man would think that women are flatteres by that kind of attention anyway! 9 times out of ten the blokes that hit on the women couldn't care less what they look like/who they are, they just see a vagina!

pointythings · 07/05/2019 20:16

OP, I salute you. You had doubts, you asked the question, you took the responses on board. People shouldn't pile in - you're busy processing the end of a relationship. You have definitely done the right thing, but you are allowed to be sad about the loss of the man you thought he was. Flowers

Gigglinghysterically · 07/05/2019 20:17

"He doesn't normally drink very much and was very very drunk which undoubtedly played a part."
OP, you are still justifying his despicable behaviour. You do not undergo a personality transplant if you are drunk. You are just far more likely to become less inhibited and say and do things which reflect the real you and which are normally well-controlled in your usual normal state of awareness.

You are saying the right things about how his behaviour was poor but are also justifying it by referring to it only having happened once in 4 years and probably being as a result of drunkenness.

I don't think posters give advice lightly when it comes to abusive relationships and yours is, or at least has now sadly become, an abusive relationship. Posters are thinking of your own good and the good of your children.

CTRL · 07/05/2019 20:18

Red flag and believe me this is just the TIP of the iceberg.

I can guarantee your partner will continue to keep behaving this way and even more controlling as time goes on.

SmileEachDay · 07/05/2019 20:19

Posters are thinking of your own good and the good of your children

FFS. So is the OP. Read her posts.

AlaskanOilBaron · 07/05/2019 20:21

God, how terrible. Purring like a cat.

Why was he drunk on Monday morning, was that from Sunday night?

AginNAgin · 07/05/2019 20:22

Oh so you HAVE dumped him. Apologies. I missed the post where you said that..............

SaveKevin · 07/05/2019 20:23

Yuck. I had one like this once, it was fucking miserable. It ended up with phone check, clothes checking and being accused of affairs if I was too long in the supermarket.
I got chatted up last week (a rare occurrence these days!) and my dh thought it was bloody hilarious. He’s proud to have me on his arm. That’s how it should be. Yours should feel flattered it’s a compliment to him.
It’s also nice to feel attractive.
The ONLY person who did something wrong was him.

Chin up, back out the house purchase at the very least to buy yourself time. The slag comment and purring comment are particularly disgusting.
He’s pbly apologised now as he’s shitting it

leomama81 · 07/05/2019 20:24

Sorry I cross posted a bit OP. You sound very strong, really glad you have such clarity. Just hold on to how you feel now as it can get harder when the initial anger fades and they are pleading... you sound like you have your head screwed on though, well done and Thanks

AginNAgin · 07/05/2019 20:24

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