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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH meeting friend for lunch AIBU to ask him to be back by 4

162 replies

Hermagsjesty · 05/05/2019 10:44

I’m genuinely not sure if AIBU. DH and I had planned to take the kids out for picnic and park today. They are 5 and 7 plus an 8 week old baby.

One of his very good friends’ Dad passed away recently. That friend has asked him out for lunch today (messaged him this morning). I’ve said of course he should go and meet him for lunch but asked DH to make sure he’s back by 4pm because that’s when the online shopping is arriving and I don’t want to be tied to having to be in for it/ and putting it all away if I’m taking the 3 kids out on my own. Is that unreasonable?

I’m a bit sleep deprived from being up feeding the baby so may not be being as reasonable as I could be...

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 05/05/2019 10:45

YANBU.

Loopytiles · 05/05/2019 10:45

Picnic and park in sole charge of 3DC of those ages is no picnic!

MinnieMountain · 05/05/2019 10:46

That's fine.

ImNotNigel · 05/05/2019 10:46

No that’s fine. Just make sure that tomorrow you go out for the day and come back by 4, so he can have some quality time with the children.

It’s not fair that he doesn’t get to spend some time with them over the holiday weekend. And I’m sure you have friends to see or shopping to do As well.

Twooter · 05/05/2019 10:48

Surely you’ll be ready to be back home by then? You think your dh’sbereaved friend us less important then 1) a long trip to the park ( could do it any day.) And 2) the shopping.

Pengrin · 05/05/2019 10:49

To put shopping away?

Confused

YABU to give an adult a curfew.

Twooter · 05/05/2019 10:49

Yabu

Loopytiles · 05/05/2019 10:51

It’s not a curfew, it’s sharing domestic work, parenting and leisure time fairly.

3/4 hours is enough for lunch. Will OP have 3/4 leisure time this weekend?

BertrandRussell · 05/05/2019 10:52

Absolutely, completely unreasonable. Unless there is more to this than you’ve told us.

Pengrin · 05/05/2019 10:58

‘Be home at 4pm’ = a curfew.

3/4 hours is enough for lunch who says? He’s old enough to decide how long is enough for a lunch.

Will OP have 3/4 leisure time this weekend? is that how it works? ‘You’ve had 4 so now I must have 4. Going to ring around my friends and see if anyone’s died’.

Loopytiles · 05/05/2019 11:00

OP has made a request.

OP’s H has an eight week old baby.

Supporting friends is important. So is parenting and being a partner. There is time in the day to do both.

Morgan12 · 05/05/2019 11:01

Perfectly reasonable.

Meandwinealone · 05/05/2019 11:04

Surely he gave a timeframe of when he would be back, but a Sunday lunch with a friend who needs support is probably going to be long.
Just put the frozen and fridge stuff away and he can do the rest on his return.
And I wouldn’t go to the park. But that’s just me. Sounds hellish on your own.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 05/05/2019 11:06

Even if you weren't going out its tsunamis to want him back by four so you're not trying to wrangle three DCs including a newborn and put the shipping away without things defrosting etc, I assume the reasoning behind having it delivered when you were both at home, rather than when he's at work. If they're meeting for lunch four hours is plenty

Myworstnightmare123 · 05/05/2019 11:06

Just make sure that tomorrow you go out for the day and come back by 4, so he can have some quality time with the children

Why? Hmm
His mate is grieving and needs a friend. Is this really the right occasion for time bargaining?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 05/05/2019 11:07

Reasonable not tsunamis!

Original poster
Hermagsjesty · 05/05/2019 11:07

Thanks for the replies. Interesting mix!

I did genuinely ask nicely rather than saying “make sure you’re back by 4” if that makes a difference.He said he would try to be back, so this isn’t about an argument - I’m just doubting myself/ wondering if I’m being unkind.

@bertrandrussell I don’t think there’s more to it than I’ve told you. Although I think maybe I am finding the transition to 3 DC more exhausting/ overwhelming than I thought I would do, so maybe that’s colouring my feelings...

OP posts:
Vomitquestion · 05/05/2019 11:08

It's not about giving him a curfew, it's asking him to share the load. One of them has to commit to being in to receive the shopping....why should it be OP?

If she was meeting a friend for lunch and he was at work then she'd presumably make sure she was back for any deliveries.

She's taking the kids out, he needs to get the shopping. I don't see any drama!

INeedAFlerken · 05/05/2019 11:09

More than reasonable.

I can't believe some people think OP's request isn't reasonable! They have a tiny baby! and two other little ones! DH can support his friend AND be home in time to sort out the groceries after OP has wrangled the baby and two little ones all afternoon by herself. It's her holiday weekend, too! Hopefully she'll get a bit of time to enjoy with a friend or by herself this weekend as well.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 05/05/2019 11:10

I may be biased (lots of close bereavements recently) but I think asking him to prioritise putting shopping away over supporting his grieving friend is a bit shit.

Surely there are times when both of you have the children by yourselves? It seems an odd thing to point score over.

What if it was your friend who was grieving? Would you be happy if he told you to cut short seeing them so you could put shopping away?

If this thread was a H speaking about his W I think the responses would be different.

user1474894224 · 05/05/2019 11:11

If you DH doesn't think this is unreasonable then don't question yourself. If he has said ' DW - I think this will go on longer, please can you be home to do the shopping.' then you might be being U. It depends on the relationship between you two (which sounds ok - you don't have an issue with him going) and his relationship with this friend - what is normal when they get together....if it's usually long and boozy then this maybe even longer and more boozy due to circumstances.

AnnaComnena · 05/05/2019 11:11

3/4 hours is enough for lunch

Friend may be wanting advice as well as emotional support. And travelling time has to be accounted for. (I hate meeting up with people who say 'I have to be away by 3.30' when you've barely sat down.)

Just make sure that tomorrow you go out for the day and come back by 4, so he can have some quality time with the children.

OP WBU if she used a friend's bereavement as an opportunity to play tit for tat games.

BertrandRussell · 05/05/2019 11:11

You don’t need to “wrangle” a 5 and 7 year old, ffs. 3 toddlers, maybe.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/05/2019 11:12

Ah, another 'woman, ask not for help when your man has leisure time to contemplate' threads

OP has a bank holiday plan for the family. DH potters off to support friend in emotional need. Wife must not consider asking for any support, she is woman and must know her place.

Fuck that! Of course OP was 'allowed' to ask him to come home to help with the mundane shite of normal life - that's not helping, it is adulting!

Theoldwoman · 05/05/2019 11:12

So you want your partner to come home by a certain time from a lunch supporting his friend through grief to help you put the shopping away?

Are you for real?