Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

DH meeting friend for lunch AIBU to ask him to be back by 4

162 replies

Hermagsjesty · 05/05/2019 10:44

I’m genuinely not sure if AIBU. DH and I had planned to take the kids out for picnic and park today. They are 5 and 7 plus an 8 week old baby.

One of his very good friends’ Dad passed away recently. That friend has asked him out for lunch today (messaged him this morning). I’ve said of course he should go and meet him for lunch but asked DH to make sure he’s back by 4pm because that’s when the online shopping is arriving and I don’t want to be tied to having to be in for it/ and putting it all away if I’m taking the 3 kids out on my own. Is that unreasonable?

I’m a bit sleep deprived from being up feeding the baby so may not be being as reasonable as I could be...

OP posts:

User11011 · 05/05/2019 19:38

4 is generous. With an 8 week old and 2 more, I'd say 12-2.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 05/05/2019 19:39

I can believe people would consider Leighs lovely friend to be unreasonable, selfish, would count the minutes they were together to demand equal "leisure time", would expect her back by X time because 4 hours is adequate to say what needs to be said.

Her husband was indeed like that, and was one of the reasons why she ditched him several years before. It didn't even occur to me to ask where the children were that day.

Bumpitybumper · 05/05/2019 19:39

YANBU

With such a tiny baby and two other children then your DH is simply not in a position to offer unlimited support and time to his friend. You have enabled him to have lunch with his friend and that is a supportive and nice thing for you to do, but I don't think you are obliged to look after the kids for hours on end so that he can offer his friend more time and support.

Mordred · 05/05/2019 19:47

YANBU at all.

Lunch shouldn't last until 4 and surely your DH's friend will realise he has to be back to be the dad he is? It's a no-brainer really for any husband/father.

Bumpitybumper · 05/05/2019 19:48

@SleepingStandingUp
but it needs to be the friends opinion, not a set formula.
Look ate I know you're still upset, but you've had your time allowance today. How about I book you in for the same time next week?
Surely a real friend even when grieving can accept that adults have responsibilities that mean that they can't practically always be available to them when they may want or need them? I imagine OP's DH works, would you expect her DH to take days of annual leave to support his friend? What if his friend was really struggling and needed a lot of input long term? I think everyone can accept that there are limits on the support we can reasonably seek from our friends and their life stage and other commitments will affect how much time and energy they can devote to us. I think it is absolutely fair for a friend to outline the support they are able to offer and the reasons why it may be restricted so that everyone knows where they stand and people don't feel resentful towards each other.

ilovesooty · 05/05/2019 19:50

And still they come...

InTheHeatofLisbon · 05/05/2019 19:51

If you resent someone for needing support when they're grieving, you have no soul.

ilovesooty · 05/05/2019 19:51

User11011 unbelievable.

Meandwinealone · 05/05/2019 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BertrandRussell · 05/05/2019 20:02

“Surely a real friend even when grieving can accept that adults have responsibilities that mean that they can't practically always be available to them when they may want or need them?”
Yes of course. Not to put the bloody supermarket shop away though.

Meandwinealone · 05/05/2019 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 05/05/2019 20:07

Surely a real friend even when grieving can accept that adults have responsibilities that mean that they can't practically always be available to them when they may want or need them?”

Trust me, when I was grieving that day for my husband my friends' responsibilities didntfeature in my thoughts.

I can't actually remember all my thoughts. I don't think I really thought at all other than " Tom is dead. How can I go on?"

Luckily for me my friends understood that at that moment my needs were more important than theirs. That's why I'm here today.

Bumpitybumper · 05/05/2019 20:09

@BertrandRussell
OP said that she is still very new to being a parent of 3 and worries how she will cope on her own for a sustained amount of time. I think this is understandable and isn't the same as someone randomly wanting their partner back to help put away the weekly shop.

Samind · 05/05/2019 20:13

@Meandwinealone. No need for that at all.

Mordred · 05/05/2019 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ as it quoted a deleted post.

Bumpitybumper · 05/05/2019 20:16

@Leighhalfpennysthigh
Your post has made me rethink. My initial response was based on the assumption that the grieving friend had other (perhaps more available) sources of support available. If this isn't the case then I would change my stance.

acomingin · 05/05/2019 20:18

This thread has taken a weird turn. Of course he should be home by 4 to help. He can bring his friend to help as well. Odd that people think OP is unreasonable.

ilovesooty · 05/05/2019 20:24

I think it's odd to expect a distressed bereaved person to be up for going to his friend's home and helping out with his young children.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 05/05/2019 20:24

@Bumpitybumper - when my mother died a couple of years ago that was indeed the case. It was cancer and so expected and somewhat of a relief. There was also the fact that I already had the worst thing happen to me with my husband dying.
My posts about him dying were to show that grief can make us selfish and not care about other people's lives because at that moment we are fighting to survive.
We don't know the circumstances of OPs husband's friend, but a bereavement can totally knock our world off kilter and that's ok. It's ok to be needy and demanding and selfish when we are trying to get through it. I knew who to call that day. I knew she would drop everything to be with me and get me through those hours.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 05/05/2019 20:26

Sorry I rambled. My point is that sometimes we have no control over how we will react to a death.

BertrandRussell · 05/05/2019 20:38

“Of course he should be home by 4 to help.”

To put the shopping away.......

ilovesooty · 05/05/2019 21:20

Exactly. Reactions to grief and loss aren't predictable.

BertrandRussell · 05/05/2019 22:24

I hate this argument- but I really do think in this case if the sexes were reversed, a man would be lambasted for wanting his female partner to come back.

janetforpresident · 05/05/2019 23:06

User11011 please tell me that was sarcastic!

but I don't think you are obliged to look after the kids for hours on end as their parent I am afraid she is very much obliged to look after then for hours on end! If he had to go back as the OP was working and he was needed for childcare or one of the children was poorly or he had an important appointment he couldn't rearrange then of course that's a commitment he must honour. The shopping delivery... not so much.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/05/2019 23:30

He can bring his friend to help as well
Yo, dude. Just HD thst thought. Do you think I should put the chops I ntbe fridge or the freezer? Oh look, the kids are back, man I love being a Dad. Sorry, you were saying?? "

Odd that people think OP is unreasonable.! no, she asked, he replied. All fine. There's lots of people in here who are frigging unreasonable tho

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread