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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH meeting friend for lunch AIBU to ask him to be back by 4

162 replies

Hermagsjesty · 05/05/2019 10:44

I’m genuinely not sure if AIBU. DH and I had planned to take the kids out for picnic and park today. They are 5 and 7 plus an 8 week old baby.

One of his very good friends’ Dad passed away recently. That friend has asked him out for lunch today (messaged him this morning). I’ve said of course he should go and meet him for lunch but asked DH to make sure he’s back by 4pm because that’s when the online shopping is arriving and I don’t want to be tied to having to be in for it/ and putting it all away if I’m taking the 3 kids out on my own. Is that unreasonable?

I’m a bit sleep deprived from being up feeding the baby so may not be being as reasonable as I could be...

OP posts:

Original poster

Hermagsjesty · 05/05/2019 12:28

@beachbodynowayready well, I’ve only been a Mum of 3 for 8 weeks so I guess one of the reasons I am anxious about this is that I’m worried and upset about the idea that maybe I can’t cope with my own children!!

Thanks for the replies. The idea that DH and his friend could just pop back if me and the kids are delayed is really helpful - I hadn’t thought of that but it would work in an emergency. It’s not the putting the shopping away that I’m worried about as I know I can just shove stuff in the freezer and leave the rest - it’s having to be somewhere at a set time as I’ve found one of the best ways to manage the DC’s behaviour/ deal with emergency changes/ feeds etc is to be flexible and not put too much pressure on myself.

OP posts:

AzraiL · 05/05/2019 12:28

It's been a long time since I've come across an OP who doesn't get defensive when people differ in their opinions and actually takes them on board. Respect.

Romax · 05/05/2019 12:34

100% I wouldn’t ask a think of dh in this circumstances and I absolutely would n’t give them a heads up to come back if you’re held up

If no alcohol, they are happy to leave outside if you give permission. Or Ocado is at least.

And if not, then I’d just make sure I was back in time.

When a friend is bereaved, that trumps online weekly food shop delivery hands down. Especially when it would be fairly straight forward for me and children to get there in time.

Beachbodynowayready · 05/05/2019 12:36

I am sure you dh has been very supportive this past 8 weeks? You sound a good team, now is your time to support him in supporting his friend though. He should feel able to give his friend his full attention not worry about letting you down by not rushing home.
Wasn't being goady, just bizarre how telling a dh he can't see his friend without a curfew is acceptable..

Catchingbentcoppers · 05/05/2019 12:57

We share chores etc., but on this occasion, I wouldn't ask him to come back. I don't think the picnic trumps his lunch outing - he is supporting a friend, which is a nice thing to do. Maybe go to picnic a bit earlier so you can be back for 4? Oh and it's nothing to do with 'woman needs to do as she's told' nonsense, it's just doing something nice so that he can help out a friend.

NewPapaGuinea · 05/05/2019 13:04

I’d say the reason to be back is a bit flaky. At worst you put the frozen stuff in the freezer and leave the rest in the bags until he gets home. There’s a chance he’ll be back in time, but to expect him to cut it short to put some shopping away is a tad unreasonable.

ImNotNigel · 05/05/2019 13:10

The man has an 8 week old baby! I’m sure that his friend will be very grateful that he has left his three small children for the whole day on a holiday weekend to spend time with him/ her.

Why on Earth would the friend be upset at him leaving mid afternoon ?

Most parents of young children would have said “ sorry lunch doesn’t work with the kids but I can pop over for a coffee / out for a drink about 8 when then kids are in bed. “

Or even meet midweek after work.

Most mums learn to fit their social life around their families. Once you get to a certain stage of life you find that there is always a least one friend who is unhappily married / worried about their kids / having a health scare/ dealing with elderly parents / recently bereaved / losing their job.

It’s life I’m afraid. Kids don’t go away because of it.

ilovesooty · 05/05/2019 13:12

I can't believe I actually saw a PP refer to "leisure time with his friend".

He's giving support to someone who's been bereaved. It's more important than being around for a shopping delivery.

ilovesooty · 05/05/2019 13:15

social life

Fuck me. I've heard it all now. Along with the idea that someone's emotional distress can wait till midweek because you have children.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 05/05/2019 13:16

I had a call from a close friend the other day which was an emergency (for her). Without question DP said "go, I'll sort the bairns."

He's not exactly out on the lash, he's supporting his friend who is grieving.

(I know OP realises this and has said she and he will be flexible about the shopping delivery which I think is the right thing, I'm responding to posters outraged that he dares to go out when there are children in the house. Completely unrealistic)

aprarl · 05/05/2019 13:21

"The man has an 8 week old baby! I’m sure that his friend will be very grateful that he has left his three small children for the whole day on a holiday weekend to spend time with him/ her.

Why on Earth would the friend be upset at him leaving mid afternoon?"

^ This. As a childless person who's been through some hard times I still 100% expect my friends to put their children first. Mumsnet is bonkers sometimes!

FriarTuck · 05/05/2019 13:22

I think the ideal solution is the friend comes back with your DH to your house to continue their chat as long as they want - and he’ll be in for the shopping.
Except for the fact that the friend will probably take this as DH being done with him and will say 'no don't worry, you go and sort your shopping' while thinking 'great, my DF has died and DH can't even spare me a long lunch to talk about it'

aprarl · 05/05/2019 13:34

What kind of "friend" would think that after a last-minute meet-up with 4+ hours of attention and talking on a Bank Holiday weekend? Followed by an invitation to stay for the evening?

I must live in another world.

thedancingbear · 05/05/2019 15:41

Most parents of young children would have said “ sorry lunch doesn’t work with the kids but I can pop over for a coffee / out for a drink about 8 when then kids are in bed. “

No they wouldn't. They would say 'I'm so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do to help', which would include but would not be limited to spending an afternoon with them without having to run back to put the fucking shopping away.

iolaus · 05/05/2019 15:49

If it was just a lunch meet up with a friend I'd say you weren't unreasonable at all

The fact that this is a friend grieving who has iniatated that lunch - I'd want my DH to be able to stay as long as the friend needs

Plus I'd rather have an excuse to get back from the park with the three kids - I'm usually back for 4pm anyway (I may only put the freezer stuff away and he could do the rest afterwards)

CheshireChat · 05/05/2019 15:56

It's also worth pointing out that a man with an 8 week old baby isn't recovering from pregnancy and birth at the same time so it can easily be more difficult for a mother at that stage.

ilovesooty · 05/05/2019 16:18

thedancingbear exactly.

FriarTuck · 05/05/2019 16:32

What kind of "friend" would think that after a last-minute meet-up with 4+ hours of attention and talking on a Bank Holiday weekend? Followed by an invitation to stay for the evening?
The kind of friend who has just lost their father and who doesn't put getting back for a shopping delivery above a bereaved friend's need to talk, particularly when there is someone else who can easily be there to take it in...... Or does losing a parent hurt less if it's a Bank Holiday weekend?

aprarl · 05/05/2019 16:54

"Or does losing a parent hurt less if it's a Bank Holiday weekend?"

Yes, that's exactly what I was saying

Come off it. I would completely understand that a friend with three young children on a BH weekend would have made plans.

I wouldn't mind popping back to their house to help them, especially when we'd already spent hours talking, on a rare long weekend which they had disrupted for me. Especially if they had a tiny baby and their spouse was struggling.

Why are you assuming the husband's friend has any issue with it?

bellabasset · 05/05/2019 17:06

I think that if dh cannot leave his friend he could as a pp has suggested invite his friend home for a cup of tea and be in for the shopping.

The two older dcs should have their outing without OP having to rush back with them and the baby, she's already tired with a new baby.

FriarTuck · 05/05/2019 17:58

Why are you assuming the husband's friend has any issue with it?
Why are you assuming that the friend wouldn't have an issue with coming second to the shopping when he'd just lost his father? And we've only just had Easter so long weekends aren't exactly rare at the moment.
Sometimes people change their plans (which weren't exactly earth-shattering - it's a picnic in the local park, not a trip to some event with expensive prepaid tickets!) for unexpected things like helping a friend in need. And given that one of them had to be at home to get the shopping delivery it's not that unreasonable for it to be OP who cuts her park trip a bit short (and given she's knackered that sounds like a good idea anyway) while DH does the right thing by his friend.
I can't help thinking that if it was OP who was meeting a bereaved friend and DH who was with the kids that you wouldn't be saying that OP should be with her friend as long as she wanted.....

OldAndWornOut · 05/05/2019 18:33

Its quite depressing as a bereaved person to realise how many people do genuinely not care enough to put themselves to any inconvenience to help out.
I have spent the last 18 months struggling to think kindly of friends who I've suspected had done this.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 05/05/2019 18:44

Its quite depressing as a bereaved person to realise how many people do genuinely not care enough to put themselves to any inconvenience to help out

It is, and I include so called family in that too.

It's pretty hurtful to realise that a cataclysmic event in your own life is seen as an inconvenience to those who expect your support when they want it.

OldandWornOut

Fairylightsandwine · 05/05/2019 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 05/05/2019 18:45

My last comment isn't directed at OP, more the other posters insisting the bereaved friend has a cheek expecting support from a friend.

And on a bank holiday weekend too

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