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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH meeting friend for lunch AIBU to ask him to be back by 4

162 replies

Hermagsjesty · 05/05/2019 10:44

I’m genuinely not sure if AIBU. DH and I had planned to take the kids out for picnic and park today. They are 5 and 7 plus an 8 week old baby.

One of his very good friends’ Dad passed away recently. That friend has asked him out for lunch today (messaged him this morning). I’ve said of course he should go and meet him for lunch but asked DH to make sure he’s back by 4pm because that’s when the online shopping is arriving and I don’t want to be tied to having to be in for it/ and putting it all away if I’m taking the 3 kids out on my own. Is that unreasonable?

I’m a bit sleep deprived from being up feeding the baby so may not be being as reasonable as I could be...

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 05/05/2019 11:12

It’s not prioritising putting shopping away. OP’s H is cancelling family plans to see/support his friend. OP is recovering from birth, has an eight week old, and two older DC.

BertrandRussell · 05/05/2019 11:12

“OP WBU if she used a friend's bereavement as an opportunity to play tit for tat games.”

This.

Rachie1973 · 05/05/2019 11:15

I wouldn’t put a time limit on. I’d just sling the fridge and freezer stuff away and ask for help later when he’s home.

Singlenotsingle · 05/05/2019 11:15

Leave the shopping until he's back

FriarTuck · 05/05/2019 11:15

Surely you'd just say 'There's shopping arriving at 4pm - can you be back for that as I'll be child-wrangling in the park or are you likely to need longer with x given his bereavement?' And see what he says. If he thinks his friend is really struggling then maybe have a picnic in the garden and save the park for another time when you can all go.
And as for the 'he has a family' 'make sure you go out OP for the exact same length of time and leave him with the kids and the shopping and he can clean the house too and cook a 3-course for 10...'

thefuriousfuggler · 05/05/2019 11:16

FFS - the OP wants him to agree to be there at the time the shopping is being delivered so that she doesn't have to rush back from the park. What's wrong with that?

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/05/2019 11:17

I think it's fine, he can always bring his friend back with him.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 05/05/2019 11:18

And as for the 'he has a family' 'make sure you go out OP for the exact same length of time and leave him with the kids and the shopping and he can clean the house too and cook a 3-course for 10

This. I find it very odd when parenting is used as a stick to beat your partner over the head with. Different life situations mean things happen and as long as generally you're a team then nit picking seems faintly ridiculous.

MordredsOrrery · 05/05/2019 11:20

YANBU the older two will be ok but 8 week olds can be tricky if they're feeding/being changed/won't settle when you need to answer the door, take the shopping in and put the chilled stuff away.

I'm sorry for your DH friends loss, but he isn't being abandoned if DH has been able to spend several hours with him as soon as requested

Geminijes · 05/05/2019 11:23

I wish people would what the Op. posted.

The Op. wants her husband to be at home to take the shopping in. She will be at the park with their children and doesn't want to have to rush back.

thedancingbear · 05/05/2019 11:25

'My best friend has just died and me and some of my female friends are getting together for lunch to support her. My husband has said I have to be back for 4 to put the shopping away. He says he can't cope with the shopping and three small kids at the same time'.

:would generate a chorus of 'man child', 'LTB' etc.

MN double standards at its most blatant.

Mummyshark2018 · 05/05/2019 11:25

I think it's fine. If your dh is anything like mine he just doesn't really think about logistics (kids/ timings/ shopping etc) and it's better if I ask/ make him aware rather than saying nothing and then being a martyr about it later.

janetforpresident · 05/05/2019 11:26

And I wouldn’t go to the park. But that’s just me. Sounds hellish on your own

Really? What do you think single parents do? The older ones are 5&7 for goodness sake why is it hellish to take your own kids to the park. The baby will just sleep and feed surely!!

Personally I would be back myself on this occasion as it's a bereavement. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask though.

rededucator · 05/05/2019 11:29

Dancingbear has nailed it. If 3-4 hours is long enough for lunch with a grieving friend (factoring in travel) that it's long enough at the park with three kids. You plan on having the 8 week old out that long? It sounds like your paused he's cancelled your previous plans and are reining him in. Imagine this friend is it ribbons and your husband says he has to leave because you won't come home from the park to take a delivery? Like dancingbear said, imagine a role reversal. DH would be come down on like a tone of bricks.

Meandwinealone · 05/05/2019 11:30

@janetforpresident
Well I did say that was just me! Jesus some people get so sensitive about nothing in particular.

Op - if my parent had died and I wanted to see a friend for support I would be very upset (but also understanding) that they had to leave at a certain time for shopping. But that’s my personal opinion and I know how important families are and they take priority, but sometimes you just need a bit of a break from the grief and a bit of support.

ilikemethewayiam · 05/05/2019 11:32

The driver can bring all the shopping into the house. I know it’s a daunting prospect but Just quickly unload the fridge freezer stuff and leave the rest for hubby when he gets back. I wouldn’t put time constraints on him. I hate it when I arrange to meet a friend because I need some support only to find they have a time limit! Sometimes it’s just life. I’m sure you’re hubby will do the same for you at some point.

Aprillygirl · 05/05/2019 11:33

Your DH is fine with it so I can't see a problem here. He could always invite his friend back to yours after their lunch for a coffee/beer if he feels his friend needs more of his time could he not?

OrdinarySnowflake · 05/05/2019 11:35

Sorry can I just check - you had family plans to go out together with the plan to be back from said plans in time for an online food order arriving between 4-5pm. Your DH is now not going on the plans, but doing something else with a friend who needs support. You are fine with that, but would like him to be back in time for the online order delivery booked for 4pm. Will you also be home by 4?

Might it be better to suggest you call the delivery company and move the food delivery slot to later in the evening (this presumes you've got food in for dinner for teh DCs tonight) and take the pressure off you all?

BTW - I can completely see why it might be hard to put the food order away if you have an 8 week old, as 4-5pm tended to be a bit of a clinging/feeding time for both of mine, early evening to bedtime was always shit and having to juggle the food order as well wouldn't be good.

Try to get the order moved. Take the pressure off you all. Failing that, when it arrives, put the freezer stuff away and just leave everythign else on the kitchen floor until he gets home. Get your 7 year old to help with that bit.

BertrandRussell · 05/05/2019 11:35

“I think it's fine, he can always bring his friend back with him.”

What-without a week’s notice?

4strings · 05/05/2019 11:36

Am I missing something? Why can you not be back in time for the shopping? How long a picnic are you planning? Surely with dc that ages you’ll be having an early lunch and then spend an hour or so playing?

I had to take my dc to a swimming party (and get in because the party family was short on adults) while ill (just a cold but still) because dh was clearing out his grandmother’s house following her death. Had to be done that weekend (housing association). Did I tell dh he had to be back by 2 to take the dc? Did I heck.

janetforpresident · 05/05/2019 11:36

Jesus some people get so sensitive about nothing in particular

Not sensitive just a bit shocked that there are people who won't even take their own kids to the park on their own.

AliceRR · 05/05/2019 11:36

It’s not just to put the shopping away, it’s that someone needs to be home to take the delivery that is schedule for 4pm

They had all had plans to go for a picnic but then:

OP why did you arrange for the shopping to arrive by 4 if you were all going to be out for a picnic at that time?

TruffleShuffles · 05/05/2019 11:36

I’m shocked at these responses. Presumably you DHs friend is going through possible the worst time of his life and has asked your husband to spend some time with him and give him some emotional support. I can’t think you would be anything other than unreasonable to put a time limit on this for something as trivial as a shopping delivery.

I would only ask my husband to cut short this request for an emergency. As other pp have said if this was the other way round it would be shouts of LTB.

AliceRR · 05/05/2019 11:37

“I think it's fine, he can always bring his friend back with him.”

What-without a week’s notice?

😂

Reddedder · 05/05/2019 11:37

YABU. He’s supporting a friend. Can’t believe some of the responses. If the OP was seeing a friend and the DH wanted her back, everyone would be saying he was controlling and to LTB.

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