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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH meeting friend for lunch AIBU to ask him to be back by 4

162 replies

Hermagsjesty · 05/05/2019 10:44

I’m genuinely not sure if AIBU. DH and I had planned to take the kids out for picnic and park today. They are 5 and 7 plus an 8 week old baby.

One of his very good friends’ Dad passed away recently. That friend has asked him out for lunch today (messaged him this morning). I’ve said of course he should go and meet him for lunch but asked DH to make sure he’s back by 4pm because that’s when the online shopping is arriving and I don’t want to be tied to having to be in for it/ and putting it all away if I’m taking the 3 kids out on my own. Is that unreasonable?

I’m a bit sleep deprived from being up feeding the baby so may not be being as reasonable as I could be...

OP posts:

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/05/2019 18:47

YABU! it’s one lunch. Having just lost my Mum I cam totally appreciate his friend wanting someone to talk to. Giving an adult a curfew is daft, it’s one lunch ffs, surely you can cope with the online shop for one time

ilovesooty · 05/05/2019 18:50

I agree with InTheHeatofLisbon

The sheer lack of empathy towards someone bereaved (not by the OP) is shocking.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 05/05/2019 18:53

The sheer lack of empathy towards someone bereaved (not by the OP) is shocking.

Isn't it?

When my Mum died, there were a core few friends/family who were incredible. Truly held me up on days when I didn't know how to function because of PTSD. There aren't words for how much that meant to me.

When my friend's lovely dad died suddenly recently, I remembered that people dropping food off to my dad after Mum died was such a lovely thought and really helped him feel supported. So I did the same for them, because the wee acts of support bring a lot of comfort at a difficult time.

I can only presume that those being so unempathetic are those lucky enough not to have felt horrendous close bereavements. Although I hope their attitude changes, I hope that it is a long time before they have to feel that. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/05/2019 18:54

make sure that tomorrow you go out for the day and come back by 4, It’s not fair that he doesn’t get to spend some time with them... I’m sure you have friends to see or shopping to do As well

Is thisevel of PA really necessary over a friend who's parent has died and needs some support?

SleepingStandingUp · 05/05/2019 18:56

God you're an angel for letting him go in the first place, when you had plans on a sunny bank holiday weekend. Bereaved friend or not! I've either missing the sarcasm or some people have really unhealthy relationships

BertrandRussell · 05/05/2019 18:59

“make sure that tomorrow you go out for the day and come back by 4, It’s not fair that he doesn’t get to spend some time with them... I’m sure you have friends to see or shopping to do As well”

There are some openly vile posts on Mumsnet- and then there are posts like this- that are just so mean spirited and horrible that they are worse, somehow. Just nasty.

mirime · 05/05/2019 19:01

I don't get the curfew thing. It's not a curfew, it's not being imposed by OP. She just asked her DH if he could be back by then, one of them needs to be, he doesn't seem to have had a problem with being asked.

And I just have one DC, I've taken him to the park for a picnic lunch then stayed until 5, 5.30 when I'm knackered in the hope it will wear him out and I'll have an easier evening/bedtime. I don't see why something similar wouldn't be the case for the OP - my DS goes stir crazy very quickly if he doesn't get out, so sticking to the original picnic plan may be the least worse option.

OP, yanbu. You seem to have had an adult conversation with your husband to sort out who's doing what and your DH seems to have agreed. I don't see how that is unreasonable.

ilovesooty · 05/05/2019 19:04

The OP seems to have come to a sensible arrangement with her husband but some of the other posts are horrible.

foreverhanging · 05/05/2019 19:05

YANBU

outvoid · 05/05/2019 19:05

YANBU. Going out alone with three children including a newborn is not easy, trust me I have done it enough to know that . You have made a reasonable request imo, he has plenty of time to have lunch with his friend.

ilovesooty · 05/05/2019 19:07

So what constitutes plenty of time when someone has been bereaved?

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 05/05/2019 19:10

It's pretty hurtful to realise that a cataclysmic event in your own life is seen as an inconvenience to those who expect your support when they want it.

Agree. Bereavement is a great way of finding out who your real,friends are. Hint: they aren't the ones who found excuses to stay away.

One of my best friends was with me within an hour of my husband's death - she had four young kids at the time, but arranged childcare and was there with me for as long as I needed, and by god I needed her and if she hadn't been there for me in those few hours, I would have killed myself. She prioritised me that day and for that I am always grateful.

stopgap · 05/05/2019 19:11

If he was playing daily golf over a three-day weekend, I’d say you have a point, but in this situation I would tell my husband to take whatever time he needs. And I’m absolutely all for 50/50 leisure time splits at the weekend.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 05/05/2019 19:12

Leighhalfpennysthigh I'm sorry about your husband so glad you had a friend like that with you, she sounds ace.

BILs were mine. Both were just there, getting shit done when I couldn't and DP was looking after me. They took the kids to school, cleaned the house, did the laundry, the lot. I love them for it.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 05/05/2019 19:12

PS I would have been in no state to help her with anything. I didn't even care where the children were. All I cared about was that she was with me. If that makes me a selfish bitch then so be it.

I've made it up since

Meandwinealone · 05/05/2019 19:14

Everyone needs to listen to @Leighhalfpennysthigh

You hear on here all the time, how you know you your real friends are. And it’s true.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 05/05/2019 19:16

Leighhalfpennysthigh I'd hope nobody would call you a selfish bitch!

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 05/05/2019 19:17

@InTheHeatofLisbon judging by some of the comments on this thread, I think some people would.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 05/05/2019 19:20

Leighhalfpennysthigh I'd risk a ban calling them what I think of them then!

Grief isn't predictable, for any of us. And when it hits my god it takes the legs away from you, and we need good people around us.

One slight silver lining (if there is one) is that it separates the wheat from the chaff and you know who has no place in your life anymore.

Meandwinealone · 05/05/2019 19:22

@InTheHeatofLisbon
Great saying
It does indeed separate the wheat from the chaff

InTheHeatofLisbon · 05/05/2019 19:24

I've no idea where I pulled that from, but I'm quite chuffed with it! It does describe it perfectly.

cushioncovers · 05/05/2019 19:32

Yanbu op. Your dhs friend will probably need more than one lunch date with friends so imo it's about the frequency not the length of time your dh supports his grieving friend.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/05/2019 19:33

The OP seems to have come to a sensible arrangement with her husband but some of the other posts are horrible
This.

I can believe people would consider Leighs lovely friend to be unreasonable, selfish, would count the minutes they were together to demand equal "leisure time", would expect her back by X time because 4 hours is adequate to say what needs to be said.
I really hope they, nor their partners, are ever REALLY needed.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/05/2019 19:34

so imo but it needs to be the friends opinion, not a set formula.
Look ate I know you're still upset, but you've had your time allowance today. How about I book you in for the same time next week?

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 05/05/2019 19:36

One slight silver lining (if there is one) is that it separates the wheat from the chaff and you know who has no place in your life anymore.

It does

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