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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH meeting friend for lunch AIBU to ask him to be back by 4

162 replies

Hermagsjesty · 05/05/2019 10:44

I’m genuinely not sure if AIBU. DH and I had planned to take the kids out for picnic and park today. They are 5 and 7 plus an 8 week old baby.

One of his very good friends’ Dad passed away recently. That friend has asked him out for lunch today (messaged him this morning). I’ve said of course he should go and meet him for lunch but asked DH to make sure he’s back by 4pm because that’s when the online shopping is arriving and I don’t want to be tied to having to be in for it/ and putting it all away if I’m taking the 3 kids out on my own. Is that unreasonable?

I’m a bit sleep deprived from being up feeding the baby so may not be being as reasonable as I could be...

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 05/05/2019 11:39

Travelling with 3, especially when one is a newborn is often a bit haphazard. You can easily get delayed with feeding or changing the baby.

Aprillygirl · 05/05/2019 11:39

OP why did you arrange for the shopping to arrive by 4 if you were all going to be out for a picnic at that time?

Oh good point. Never thought of that lol.

OldAndWornOut · 05/05/2019 11:40

I wouldn't want to be supporting someone when I had to keep one eye on the clock for fear of not getting home for some shopping...

AzraiL · 05/05/2019 11:41

I wouldn't ask. His friend might need extra support.

I'd probably just put the perishables away quickly and if it wasn't possible to do the rest I'd ask DH to help with what's left when he gets home.

BigFatLiar · 05/05/2019 11:41

Its entirely between the two of you. What does he think? It may be being back by four is no great deal and he's happy to have the excuse to leave (got to go the boss says I have to be back early and I can't go against her or its tears & tantrums). Maybe he feels he needs to stop a bit longer. Ask.

If he does feel he can't commit to being back on time is his friendship and support for his friend less important than being there to help with the shopping? His friends dad isn't going to die very often.

If he'd normally be a good dad and partner then I'd put it down as one of those things that happens.

Rach182 · 05/05/2019 11:45

I don't think OP is being unreasonable. I have a newborn & 2 year old too and things like doing the food shopping can go smoothly or be an absolute disaster depending on what the newborn decides to do at that given moment. They ordered the food shopping to arrive at that time in the knowledge that both of them would be home to accept the delivery.

If I was OP though, I wouldn't put too much of a hard deadline on her husband coming home but I also wouldn't worry too much about the delivery... If you can unpack stuff then great. If baby's screaming and you can't and stuff defrosts, then your husband will time the food delivery orders better next time. But it's a small price to pay so he can be there to support his friend in grief.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 05/05/2019 11:45

Just going out to meet a friend for a few beers and a catch up - YWNBU.

Going out to meet a friend who is recently bereaved and needs support - YABIBU.

What does DH do if his friend is desperately upset and crying at 3.50? Say "oops sorry mate I need to go home to get the shopping"?

I think this once, you need to imagine yourself in the friend's shoes and consider how you would feel if a friend you turned to for support left you to get the shopping.

adaline · 05/05/2019 11:47

YABU.

His friends loss takes priority over your desire to go for a picnic.

JeNeBaguetteRien · 05/05/2019 11:47

YABU
"Sorry friend ill have to stop you there, have to go home for my online shopping slot, have another tissue".

Yes DH has to do parenting too but his friend has been bereaved and may need undividided attention, much as you'd hope friends would be there for you both.

DogHairEverywhere · 05/05/2019 11:53

I would have told him the shopping is arriving at 4 and see what he said.
If he'd said, no probs, I'll definitely be back for then -fine.
If he'd said, hmm, tricky, i don't know how things will play out, i think i would have gone for the picnic a bit earlier so i was sure to be back. However, I'd only deal with the fridge/freezer stuff. The rest would have to be done by dh.
I think a recently bereaved friend asking for lunch, trumps a family picnic when the picnic can still happen albeit for a shorter or earlier time.
I'd like to think if the roles were reversed, my dh could do a picnic and be home to receive the shopping.

Original poster
Hermagsjesty · 05/05/2019 11:55

Thanks for the replies - I think maybe I am being unreasonable... As other posters have mentioned, the reason we said 4 for the shopping was one of us could pop back ahead for the shopping if necessary. Both the park and the friend are local. Maybe I’ll just mention to DH that if it does feel like his friend needs him to stay, to message me and I’ll make sure we’re back.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 05/05/2019 11:55

God you're an angel for letting him go in the first place, when you had plans on a sunny bank holiday weekend. Bereaved friend or not!

RedSkyLastNight · 05/05/2019 11:56

Reverse thread
A close friend has suffered a bereavement and has asked me to meet her as she needs support. DH is insisting I am home by 4, as we have internet shopping coming and he doesn't want to have to rush home from the park with the DC and then put it away while child wrangling. I don't want to commit to being back at a certain time in case my friend is very upset and needs me there. AIBU?

..would illicit a whole heap of replies about how useless DH was that he couldn't cope on his own and clearly the focus should be on the friend.

I think it's reasonable to ask and reasonable for DH to say he will try without absolutely committing to it.

onalongsabbatical · 05/05/2019 11:57

Was HE ok with you saying it, OP?

Original poster
Hermagsjesty · 05/05/2019 11:58

He was okay with it - I just feel bad (which may be the hormones/ sleep deprivation)

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 05/05/2019 12:02

If everyone’s so local, I think the ideal solution is the friend comes back with your DH to your house to continue their chat as long as they want - and he’ll be in for the shopping.

End of thread Grin

onalongsabbatical · 05/05/2019 12:07

Ah, then you're fine. You sound reasonable and he sounds reasonable and you're both negotiating and hearing each other, right?
It's tiredness. And a lot on everyone's plates. But no one's been U. Smile Have a lovely time at the park, take it easy, and I hope DH's friend feels adequately supported too - which cannot ALL be on your DH. He's giving him a fair bit of time out of your weekend, factoring in the newborn.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 05/05/2019 12:08

I think your latest posts are perfectly reasonable OP. Oh and being tired and hormonal 8 weeks after giving birth is perfectly reasonable too!

Beachbodynowayready · 05/05/2019 12:10

Can you not manage your own dc? How does dh work?

StoppinBy · 05/05/2019 12:13

If I had plans with my family and then my plans changed to be able to go and see my friend I would be thankful that I have a partner who is able to take care of our children so I can pop out for a few hours and I would not for a minute resent him asking me to be back for the shopping delivery that we organised as we knew that at least one of us could come and get it.

At the end of the day if I was a single Mum or had an unsupportive partner I wouldn't have been able to go anyway.

If I was the friend o would also be very glad that my friend had managed to free up a few hours at the expense of their family plans to come visit, I would not be in any way upset that they had to be somewhere after a few hours.

YANBU in the slightest and the fact your DH wasn't annoyed reflects that.

rwalker · 05/05/2019 12:15

Think you are a bit but in our house we have always had our own time and family time.If one of us one off for a day on hobby or something no issue as it work both ways .
If Was him I would fully expect to come home and find shopping still out just fridge/ freezer stuff done and take over with kids.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2019 12:16

The friend is local. They can both just pop back to yours, surely? Same as you.... and a lot easier. By that stage they should have finished eating.

What does he do if his friend is desperately upset and crying at 3.50?

The scenario of the friend being in a mess at 3.50 and her dp saying he has to leave is melodramatic. They’re going out for lunch. If the friend were that uncontrollably upset, he’d not be going out. I don’t see many people bawling their eyes out chewing on steak.

onalongsabbatical · 05/05/2019 12:18

Beachbodynowayready goady fucker alert on this one OP.

Beachbodynowayready · 05/05/2019 12:19

His friend's df has died!!

onalongsabbatical · 05/05/2019 12:28

And he has a newborn. Birth and death. It's tricky but death of a friend's parent doesn't trump becoming a parent again. It's not like she's said no, she's said can you be back by 4 and he's said he'll try. How anyone's being unreasonable in that scenario is beyond me.

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