To not allow younger sibling to birthday party with 45 mins notice?

[Riverside85]

DD’s birthday party yesterday- it was a church hall with entertainer (rather than a soft play where you pay per head), however I did take numbers into account when making food (individual food bags per child), party bags and the entertainer wanted numbers to pre-make balloon animals per child.

They’re Reception (turning 5). Whole class was invited. I saw one Mum at another party last week and as well as the 5yo she had her toddler with her. While chatting I said “Oh, would you like to bring X to DD’s party next week too?” She said “Ooh really? I didn’t like to assume but that would be lovely!” so I added the little one to the list.

Yesterday, the day of the party I get a text from another Mum 45 mins before the party start time- I was already at the hall setting up.

Text said “Hi sorry for the short notice but can my little boy X come along to the party, he won’t eat anything, he just really wants to come”. WIBU to reply “I’m really sorry but I haven’t made provision for him in the numbers and I’m already at the venue now”. She then replied “Aww no problem I’ll see if his Dad can take him out somewhere instead” so not like it was a childcare emergency and she had the two on her own.

Background: this same family brought both kids to DD’s soft play party last year without asking; the Dad brought them both in- I watched them at the door giving both names to the staff and the younger brother sat down at the table and had a meal. I didn’t say anything at the time as it was the middle of the party and I never said anything after. I have also seen the younger brother at quite a lot of other parties so think she must do this a bit.

My mum thinks I WBU and should’ve just said yes, tbh we did have spare food and a couple of extra party bags.

So WIBU?

I just don't get what would actually have been different if the toddler were allowed to come?

Parents staying so no extra child to watch.
Child not expecting party bag/balloon
No extra place to pay for as in a hall

Why is it a problem? Just because they didn't ask sooner?

We had a family like this, socially within school. From my observations the older child was utterly fed up of the younger sibling attending parties with her, through tantruming until they were allowed to go. Parents also would often dump and run saying they had to pop out for five minutes.

Siblings need to learn they are not entitled to the others social life etc and no invite means tough tits.

(Fine if it’s to help a fellow parent out over childcare, that’s different)

My son had a joint swimming party with his friend. Despite the mum being no the younger child couldn’t ‘tag along’ for health and safety reason, the father duly arrived with swimming kits for both, and tried to dump the younger. I said unless dad had swimwear and was getting in with him it was a no go as the child was under 8 and the other 60 kids were all 11 and could swim unaided. Pool manager backed me up. He was most fucked off as he and his cf wife had booked and paid for cinema tickets and instead had to deal with said child tantruming that she couldn’t go in the pool. (Funnily enough he was not prepared to get in with her )

Sounds like classic CF to me. Especially the timing. Hopefully she will have got the message for the next birthday

absolutely, but it's up to the parent to tell them NO. They have to learn, and next time it's their turn.

Sure it is. But at that age it’s about picking your battles. I might have texted the mum to ask too, if they are the “more the merrier” type and it’s a battle you don’t have to have, happy days. I’d accept a no, and tell the child (although with such a big party, I might think it was a bit unreasonable) but respect that they absolutely have the right to say no.

I’m a bit shocked at OP’s reasons though. It literally is no skin off her nose, but is making a point because she believes the family are CFs. It doesn’t seem so in this situation and even if they did it before, they didn’t do it this time so have either realised it’s the wrong thing to do to just turn up, or the last time was a different situation.

She sounds a bit pushy - there often is one like this around. I have sometimes asked a younger child who is at my door with a sibling if they would like to stay and then raided party bags at the end to make an extra one up and I don't really mind but there is no need for you to accept the other child particularly as this lady has form.

@theinvestigator

Not really my fault when they didn't even ask and then they were sat on the table when the meals were served?!

It would not have been fair to other families attending who had gone to the trouble of organising childcare for siblings rather than being CFs.

Yes there weren’t already 15 other siblings coming so one more child doesn’t make a lot of difference. But there might have been, if other parents had known it was an option!

I think you did the right thing OP, not only because of the background/history of her doing this regularly but I also don’t think she should have asked just because ‘he really wants to come’. That’s not how life works! Fair enough if there was a childcare emergency or something but I don’t think it’s a good thing to teach kids from a young age that if they want something, they can just ask and will get it.

I also don’t think it’s fair on the older sibling (the one who actually WAS invited to the party). Maybe they don’t want their little brother constantly hanging round when they’re with their friends. This never used to happen when I was a kid, I never tagged along to a party my big brother had been invited to and vice versa. The little one will get his turn when he gets invited to his classmates’ parties.

It may be harder to sit down and have that conversation with him and let him be upset than it is to just text the host, but ultimately it would be better in the long term.

You were def not unreasonable! When my son was the young, big party age, this used to really piss me off!! We hosted loads of parties where parents would rudely turn up with all the siblings in tow, not say a word & happily let them eat & take cake & party bags. SO bloody rude!! Well done for putting your foot down!!

We were restricted on numbers as the superhero entertainer had an upper limit. I put on the invitations 'unfortunately we can't accommodate siblings' or words to that effect (good little mumsnetter that I am). One mum who works shifts asked if there was any leeway for the little one and I said yes, of course he could come and sit on dad's lap or play in the playground but couldn't join in. Turns up in fancy dress and joins in from the outset, and came and demanded a party bag at the end.

YANBU. We were always ‘the more the merrier ‘ about it and hosted a lot of uninvited siblings and it was fine. But as dc get older and the party activities get more sophisticated there is nothing wrong with saying no. The older siblings often seem very happy not to have younger ones around for a change!

Sorry meant to say if they are repeat offending CFs then they need someone to say no sometimes.

Everytime someone let's this type of CFery slide without pulling them up on it, it enables them further to try to get away with it other times.

They should be managing the siblings expectations and sorting out their own childcare, just like the other 98% of the population. It's the principle of it all which would make me say no unless I personally know the sibling and/or have a good relationship with the parent.

Still watching the responses with interest!

I can’t believe the posters saying they would text to ask can an uninvited child, who’s not a friend of his/hers, knowingly putting the host in an awkward position (no doubt relying on their lack of self-assuredness or their sense of manners) come to the party.

And the drama from some of you 😂😂😂

My god, just tell your brats it’s not their turn! No wonder kids are out of control these days.

Seriously, have a look at yourselves. Not caring about making another person uncomfortable just so you don’t have to entertain your own child for a couple of hours.

OP you did nothing wrong. Your child is entitled to enjoy his party with his friends without younger siblings being squeezed in. 🙄🙄🙄

Do the toddlers know each other? Because in my circles I could easily imagine mum if invited toddler phoning cf mum to see if her toddler was also going, at which pint cf mum phones you to ask if he can go ( as it seems you don’t mind the toddlers going) . Tbf, if I found the mum/toddler annoying, I’d probably do what you did, but then feel guilty about it after.

...Mum OF invited toddler...

I think you made the right call, older kids generally don't want toddlers running around at their party and I don't know many toddlers who'd be happy to be the only one not getting a party bag etc, they're not exactly known for being reasonable. Plus I feel sorry for older siblings who never get to go anywhere without their younger siblings, I see it all the time with ds's friends, their lives/interests are already restricted due to younger siblings needs always taking priority. They deserve their own social lives and friendships that don't include their toddler siblings.

You'll almost always get mixed responses on AIBU because it's that kind of place. However, I can guarantee that, if the other mother had posted on AIBU from her perspective ("AIBU to think the birthday child's mother was being a bit mean? I know I only asked for an invitation for my younger child 45 minutes before the party but he really wanted to come and he would have been so upset"), she'd have been completely slaughtered, called a CF and probably told that random mumsnetters felt sorry for her future DIL if she was going to give in to her DS every time he had a tantrum. Hope that helps!

Twooter The mums would know each other in the same way I know both of them- as mums of kids in the same class. I don’t think the two younger siblings would know each other; the “invited” toddler is around 2yo (toddling around, wearing a nappy, looking very much like a toddler), while the other “non-invited” brother is 3yo at attends the school nursery at the same school DD and older brother are in Reception.

She already acknowledged the food situation and said that toddler wouldn't eat anything, just wanted to have a play.

I would have let them come if it wasn't costing extra and you had spares anyway. I'm normally a more the merrier type person though, only invited 4 neighbours for tea and cake when DD turned 1, word spread and we ended up with 16 people from the local area! It was lovely, I had made tons of food expecting people would drop by if they saw other cars outside (small rural comunity) and everyone had a great time, especially dd.

Up to you, but seems like part of the point of having party in village hall is to allow for flexibility and not be too worried about numbers.

You did right. I think it's extremely cheeky for parents to do this and I'd have no issue saying no.

We've always had hall hire and entertainer parties for DD1 so far. We're not quite "the more the merrier" but we do have 3DC and know it's tough when they are little so we're very "siblings welcome but please let us know so we can cater". We just want it to be a nice day and for little kids to have fun.

That being said I'd be frazzled 45mins before a party so would be very annoyed at the last minute request that wasn't actually necessary (given the dad was available). I don't think YWBU.

Also, the only time I've taken a younger sibling to a non-public party was when DD1 was too young to drop and run, DH was away, I asked well in advance and DD2 was only 2 months old and bf so didn't need food or a party bag! It's always a last option, not an inability to say no to younger DC. We have a few parents at our school who show up with mum, dad and 2 or 3 kids

Ffs some of the comments on here are completely ridiculous.

Yanbu at all OP

I would say no- unless it was an emergency. I think it’s very odd that anyone would think it’s ok for younger siblings of guests to tag along.