To not allow younger sibling to birthday party with 45 mins notice?

[Riverside85]

DD’s birthday party yesterday- it was a church hall with entertainer (rather than a soft play where you pay per head), however I did take numbers into account when making food (individual food bags per child), party bags and the entertainer wanted numbers to pre-make balloon animals per child.

They’re Reception (turning 5). Whole class was invited. I saw one Mum at another party last week and as well as the 5yo she had her toddler with her. While chatting I said “Oh, would you like to bring X to DD’s party next week too?” She said “Ooh really? I didn’t like to assume but that would be lovely!” so I added the little one to the list.

Yesterday, the day of the party I get a text from another Mum 45 mins before the party start time- I was already at the hall setting up.

Text said “Hi sorry for the short notice but can my little boy X come along to the party, he won’t eat anything, he just really wants to come”. WIBU to reply “I’m really sorry but I haven’t made provision for him in the numbers and I’m already at the venue now”. She then replied “Aww no problem I’ll see if his Dad can take him out somewhere instead” so not like it was a childcare emergency and she had the two on her own.

Background: this same family brought both kids to DD’s soft play party last year without asking; the Dad brought them both in- I watched them at the door giving both names to the staff and the younger brother sat down at the table and had a meal. I didn’t say anything at the time as it was the middle of the party and I never said anything after. I have also seen the younger brother at quite a lot of other parties so think she must do this a bit.

My mum thinks I WBU and should’ve just said yes, tbh we did have spare food and a couple of extra party bags.

So WIBU?

I agree with IvanaPee

I have at times let siblings join in parties but that is my call. I don’t particularly enjoy holdings children’s parties so I make it as stress free as possible. I also feel responsible for the children in my charge especially if it’s a drop and go situation and I wouldn’t like to be looking after a 3 yo I don’t know as they are more work that an 5 yo. I want to be able to concentrate on making it a great party for my child and his guests.

I think children should learn that they cannot do everything that their siblings are - it’s a good lesson to learn. I pick my battles and I think this is a good one to learn at an early age. It is good for older children to have space from their younger siblings. YANBU

YANBU As an older sibling it drove me crazy when my younger sib would whine and cry and demand to come along anywhere I was going. And my parents usually gave in and let them. The older kid probably enjoyed being at your party solo.

I'm worried I've been that CF person before 🙈 (not in this specific case) . when DD was around 5 she was very clingy and had quite bad separation anxiety made worse after my DM died. When i dropped her to parties i nearly always had toddler DS with me as DH spent every spare minute on diy. Several occassions DD would cry and want me to stay and i ended up staying but DS would have to stay too.it never happened at anything where it was price/head like soft play and i never expected DS to get any food. Now DD is a teenager and i am a nuisance and embarrassment if i stay more than 3 seconds dropping her at a party.

Some dad did this at dd's 4th, asked at the door, and I stupidly said yes. He played all the games carrying his younger child so she won all the races, musical chairs etc as he simply ran at his normal speed. He was a complete jerk.

She already acknowledged the food situation and said that toddler wouldn't eat anything, just wanted to have a play.

"Oh what a lot of food you have! You don't mind if he has just a little bit do you?" Let's be honest, even if she didn't then say that no way would a three year old seeing his sibling get to eat party food then have a party bag not want to join in that bit too.

I'd have done the same as you OP, based on her previous behaviour and the fact that she asked just 45 minutes before.

I would have said yes if the mother didn’t already have form for taking the piss.

Me too.

YANBU to refuse a younger child. I had to do this repeatedly when DC was younger as one woman would want to drop both DC off then leave. I'm not a childminder, so I refused the younger one. I said he could stay if she was staying, but she wanted to go horse riding......

If it was a party in the hall, then mum's would stay with younger ones and they could sit up and eat if it was a table full of food, but not at something that I had paid per head for.

When i dropped her to parties i nearly always had toddler DS with me as DH spent every spare minute on diy.

It wasn't really a spare minute then as he should have been co-parenting his DC. Spare minutes are spare. Unless there is a backstory involving the entire house collapsing and only he could possibly rebuild it then that's cheekyfuckery.

Personally I would have said yes because I’m a pushover but no I don’t think op was unreasonable. There were a couple of spare party bags for emergencies but this was not an emergency.
As pp’s have said re managing expectations - how is it repeatedly stated the younger sibling doesnt expect food or party bag yet can’t be told it’s bigger kids only party...? I would be pretty miffed if I’d spent a good chunk of money and time planning all aspects of a party only for it to cause upset to a couple of younger siblings which a/ could make it look like I didn’t have enough supplies or had been tight on the food and b/ spoils the party for the birthday child when attentions are focussed on placating the tantrumming younger sibling.
Also, when the CF parents help themselves to “left-over” party food when the kids haven’t finished but serving plates had been left unattended for a few moments, turn round and they’re empty. Oh, so your little Johnny doesn’t need to eat? Then why’s he gnawing on the last sausage roll that the birthday boy’s run-ragged mum could have done with as she’s been here setting up since 11:30am 🥵 don’t get me started...

**"Oh what a lot of food you have! You don't mind if he has just a little bit do you?" Let's be honest, even if she didn't then say that no way would a three year old seeing his sibling get to eat party food then have a party bag not want to join in that bit too.

She had spares of everything! What's the problem?

Apart from the scenario where a toddler is dumped at a party and not looked after by their own parents, I can't imagine anyone I know saying no to a younger sibling joining a party in a village hall. I'm obviously out of touch though as lots of people supporting OP.

As an older sibling too, I used to feel like nothing was ‘mine’ as my DM let my younger sibling tag along.

YANBU. Texting 4in before party was CF of her - she should me managing her toddlers expectations.

I’d also say it’s unfair on your DD and her friends to allow siblings. It inevitably changes the dynamic. It’s DDs party, let her have it the way it was originally envisaged. I speak as someone whose DM was accommodating to others - I wish I’d been put first as her own DC.

This would absolutely not be a problem with any parents in my child’s year. It’s a child’s party. As long as there is enough provisions and no additional cost why not allow it?

The mother is a CF for even asking in the first place- who invites their children to someone else's birthday party?

Probably would have done the same as you OP, in a village hall setting, had there been more notice would have organised a party bag etc- but 45 minutes is taking the piss on top of the original piss taking.

Can't believe there are so many people who actually think its ok to dump their kids at someone else's party!!

My DDs are very close in age and the other siblings will be invited to stay sometimes, but I always say 'no, thats ok, thanks' as they have to share so much being close in age already and I think its important for them to have their own friends and learn that just because one person gets something everyone isnt automatically entitled to it too.

It wasn't really a spare minute then as he should have been co-parenting his DC. Spare minutes are spare. Unless there is a backstory involving the entire house collapsing and only he could possibly rebuild it then that's cheekyfuckery.

The point is that i was intending to drop and not planning to stay. I didnt invite myself and DS.

What do people keep asking “what’s the problem” when that’s been answered repeatedly?

Do I think it’s cheeky yes but if you are only saying no on principal and to teach the mother a lesson then yabu!

As long as there is enough provisions and no additional cost why not allow it

Because they weren't invited? It's as simple as that.

Very rude to ask or turn up with an extra guest that wasn't invited. Decline the invite or make other arrangements.

Was she planning on staying to keep an eye on her toddler, or just leaving both her children for you to watch?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Well I think you’re wrong. It’s children. No extra cost. I’m entitled to my opinion too

Totally agree that it's about managing expectations.

Cheeky Fucker's expectation is that OP accommodates her toddler.

A normal parent wouldn't have let it get to that stage as she would have explained to the three year old that the party was for the big boys and that he could do X, Y or Z instead. There are going to be dozens of occasions where one sibling is doing something which the others are not included in. It's a very, very normal occurrence.

@twirlypoo- me too - Its no wonder society is so dysfunctional given the venom directed towards a toddler wanting to watch a bit of fun

I agree. It wouldn’t have effected OP in any way as it was already paid for.

Mean and then gagging to get on MN to crow about it.

I don't know many toddlers who'd be happy to be the only one not getting a party bag etc

This is why "he won't join the meal / expect a party bag" always makes me smile ... doubtless the CFs know what the reaction will be from a child who's rarely told "no", and doubtless they factor this in when asking (or worse, just appearing with siblings)

Embarrassment for the host? So what, as long as the CFs are getting their own way

A normal parent wouldn't have let it get to that stage as she would have explained to the three year old that the party was for the big boys and that he could do X, Y or Z instead

😂😂😂😂

What's so hysterically funny, Cottonmouth? Saying no to a child? Or are you one of those parents who thinks everyone else should bend over backwards to accommodate your children?

Perhaps she had a very upset toddler who wanted to come to a party the sibling was going to.
Given that it was a church hall and she had already said the toddler wouldn't eat I think YABU. Perhaps her DH is an arse about helping out with child care