To not allow younger sibling to birthday party with 45 mins notice?

[Riverside85]

DD’s birthday party yesterday- it was a church hall with entertainer (rather than a soft play where you pay per head), however I did take numbers into account when making food (individual food bags per child), party bags and the entertainer wanted numbers to pre-make balloon animals per child.

They’re Reception (turning 5). Whole class was invited. I saw one Mum at another party last week and as well as the 5yo she had her toddler with her. While chatting I said “Oh, would you like to bring X to DD’s party next week too?” She said “Ooh really? I didn’t like to assume but that would be lovely!” so I added the little one to the list.

Yesterday, the day of the party I get a text from another Mum 45 mins before the party start time- I was already at the hall setting up.

Text said “Hi sorry for the short notice but can my little boy X come along to the party, he won’t eat anything, he just really wants to come”. WIBU to reply “I’m really sorry but I haven’t made provision for him in the numbers and I’m already at the venue now”. She then replied “Aww no problem I’ll see if his Dad can take him out somewhere instead” so not like it was a childcare emergency and she had the two on her own.

Background: this same family brought both kids to DD’s soft play party last year without asking; the Dad brought them both in- I watched them at the door giving both names to the staff and the younger brother sat down at the table and had a meal. I didn’t say anything at the time as it was the middle of the party and I never said anything after. I have also seen the younger brother at quite a lot of other parties so think she must do this a bit.

My mum thinks I WBU and should’ve just said yes, tbh we did have spare food and a couple of extra party bags.

So WIBU?

Do parents who say they have to bring younger siblings along because of childcare also go and sit in school with their children for the day while also bringing along younger siblings because of childcare? Five year olds spend six hours a day on their own in school. They don’t have their parents with them.

I must be from a different planet. There are many cold women here including OP. She asked, she didnt just turn up. And how much is a balloon or extra candy?

Maybe the birthday child doesn’t want a load of toddlers running around his/her party, Orange.

For literally one day a year it’s ok to give a child what they want at his/her own party.

Do parents who say they have to bring younger siblings along because of childcare also go and sit in school with their children for the day while also bringing along younger siblings because of childcare? Five year olds spend six hours a day on their own in school. They don’t have their parents with them.

At school the children are the responsibility of the teachers and school staff so don't need supervising. Most church hall parties parents need to stay at - as the hosts are busy sorting the food etc and don't want to be responsible for 30 hyped up children.

Church hall parties are unknown to me . As are parties for 30 kids. Party guests are roughly the age of the child plus one. A reasonable number of children invited is six for a five year old . Parents never stay past nursery age. No one hires church halls for 30 kids.

Dd would never have been to a party if I couldn’t have taken Ds.

Dp worked away and I don’t have any relatives but a lot of the families were also single parents so understood that without childcare you either had both children or no children and that could mean a lot of no shows.

I live in London and can’t believe that some parts of London have never heard of soft play or church hall parties.

Virtually every party we went to between ages 2-8 were these type of parties.

I’ve done a few class parties but only one or two “church hall” types.

Last year we had a CF try to dump her kid. She was shown the door with said child with assurances that we could watch her
Ds.

She said he’d rather not leave her so she was giving the option to take him home too. He stayed. And he was just fine.

This year, said ds wasn’t invited and nor will he be again. Can’t be arsed with people who think children’s parties are a family outing.

@IvanaPee

You sound very hostile! Most parties are only for two hours and where I live almost everyone stays as there's very little else you can do for 2 hours and the hosts usually appreciate the help!

@Daisypond church hall parties are unknown to me . As are parties for 30 kids. Party guests are roughly the age of the child plus one. A reasonable number of children invited is six for a five year old . Parents never stay past nursery age. No one hires church halls for 30 kids.

You must live in a parallel universe then, everyone does hall parties of some description. Full class parties happened for all of mine, proabably through Nursery- Year 3, then the parties got smaller, event specific and more select, but some children still had full class parties right through to Y6

@daisypond

Where do you live? In reception it was basically only church hall parties with an entertainer. The kids loved them (I bloody hated hosting them but luckily the fad changed to trampoline centres or other active stuff after a year).

I hired church hall for 30 kids twice (once for both kids around 5/6 birthday). and I'm in a big city so its not just a rural thing.

I'd presume the more the merrier unless price was per head or it truly wasn't practical. You did have spare party bags so you were a bit unreasonable but it is up to you.

I sound hostile? Really? For offering to watch her son?

I live in London. Multi ethnic area and school in economically diverse area, which probably explains some of it. Most children don’t have birthday parties at all, or if they do they are celebrating with family only. My dd’s best friend at school isn’t allowed to come to parties or round to play, for example , though is always asked. Lots of children are from poor backgrounds and could never afford parties so don’t have them. People live in flats so a small number round for tea is more manageable . If children of this age go out for a party trip it will be something like the cinema or soft play or to the park for a picnic. Never been to a party with magician or bouncy castle. Never been to a party with 30 kids.

I live in London. Multi ethnic area

Isnt London all multi ethnic

I have friends who live in areas like you describe who are single parents on benefits in very poorly paid jobs jobs.

They have all heard of church hall parties.
I have been to a few.

Only one who wasn’t allowed to attend was the child who was JW.

A third of children in my dc school are Muslim, from countries like Bangladesh or Somalia. It’s one of these children that my dd is friends with who isn’t allowed to come and play, as an example. Another third are from Africa or the Caribbean. Most of these children have family parties only. This is my experience only. I appreciate it may be different elsewhere. Another of my dd’s had a Muslim friend who was allowed to come and play and come to parties but they never hosted a birthday party themselves.

@daisypond
A third of children in my dc school are Muslim, from countries like Bangladesh or Somalia. It’s one of these children that my dd is friends with who isn’t allowed to come and play, as an example. Another third are from Africa or the Caribbean. Most of these children have family parties only. This is my experience only. I appreciate it may be different elsewhere. Another of my dd’s had a Muslim friend who was allowed to come and play and come to parties but they never hosted a birthday party themselves.

@daisypond This is the way I grew up and totally understand where you’re coming from. :)

I live in outer London. pretty much exclusively hall parties here, usually from 3-4 kids combined for minimal
costs.
year 1 now, and parents stay - where would they go for 2 hours anyway? sit outside the hall? Siblings come along, but are responsibility of their parents (for supervision and food!). Denying sibling to come is a bit mean for these sort of parties- no effort required!

I’m finding this very interesting. I’m in inner London, and while I’ve realised that the demographic where I am isn’t reflected in other parts of the country, I had no idea that people would invite a whole class to parties. I’d assumed it would be a small handful of the birthday child’s friends only. I’d also assumed that only the very well off would hire an entertainer or bouncy castle, as I’ve not come across that either.

I think it certainly can be an inner city thing and even a multicultural thing, my youngest shared his hall party with his friend who was/is Hindu (bonus samosas for the adults courtesy of his family, double thumbs up) and the ethnic mix here is extremely diverse. I think you're right that it'll depend on what that cultural mix is though, and economic factors too etc. We didn't have an entertainer we borrowed the school parachute and did games e.g islands/ pass the parcel and then a disco before food. Whilst it wasn't extortionate it probably did cost over 100 quid for the food plus hall and amplifier hire etc. I can see why that wouldn't be possible for many families especially on low income.

YANBU.
You don't have to explain yourself. In MN lingo, No, is a complete sentence.
She was a CF having done it the year before, and the fact you'd have accommodated if given more notice shows you're a nice person. Me? Less so, I'd have still said No!

It also totally depends on how the parents are and how they approach it.

DD had a soft play party for her 8th birthday and one of her friends has younger siblings. I didn't realise mum was even there as she was sat on the lower level, not up with us at the party station. When I realised, I invited her up and invited the siblings in for food (as there was loads). Mum didn't ask me at all and took a bit of reassuring it was okay. I totally didn't mind that at all, but the thing was, I invited her to join in.

However, it's when it's expected or people are cheeky about it that it gets my goat and I tend to put my foot down on principle. I don't mind siblings and parents eating up left over food at the end of the line, it's when siblings are shoved to the front for food, not letting the party children in or just allowed to sit down for games/activities. Totally fine for well behaved children to sit at the side with a parent, join in only when invited and not expect food, prizes or a party bag. Of course I would do my best to provide some things if I can.

I’d have let the kid come. The fact she didn’t ask last year but did this time (albeit quite late) would make me think she realised she had made a faux pas.

At DS1’s party this year his bff’s mum rang me a couple days before in a tizzy asking me if I knew how much it would cost for her to take her 2 other kids as she couldn’t get childcare, and would it be ok for me to watch “Lucy” while we were in the party room so she could stay with her other 2. I told her that she could bring the extra 2 as part of the party as loads of invitees had never rsvped so as far as I was concerned any non-rsvpers who turned up once we were at capacity could pay. Now I’m more settled into “our circle”, it seems to be the done thing for parents to let those with several small kids know if there are spare party guest spots or extra food if they need or want to bring siblings.

If it were us I'd have said yes, last year same age ds had a party with a sports entertainer in a big park (live in the country), we laid on a little picnic and most adults ended up staying, there were lots of siblings who stayed to join in and they all had a great time. Surely that's what the extra food and party bags were for? We always cater for a few more than rspv. I wouldn't have thought to call them CFs or tell them to go tbh, its pretty usual where we live but it's very friendly and laid back I guess, I've brought smaller dd to parties where I've stayed and caught up with parents, the church hall/bouncy castle types too.

Birthday boy didn't bat an eyelid and had the best day.

Maybe we're a CF town

No ywbu ..some people are really cheeky with younger siblings. One mum use to bring her little girl to every party without asking. I watched her at one, at the end, say to the little girl who was about 3. "Go line up and get some teeties" whilst the parents were handing out sweetie cones to the children who were invited. The little girl came back with some and the mum noticed she hadn't been given a book like everyone else and said "why didn't you get a book, go line back up and ask for one."

I told my friend after the party whose little girls party it was and she said she never even asked if she could bring her along or mentioned her being there when they came in. She just got her to join in and sat at the party table for food and queue up for stuff at the end. The only reason she had enough was one little boy was sick.

Also, I once turned up to a “bouncy castle in the garden” party with DS1, and when I mentioned DS2 during chit chat, was almost interrogated (though very kindly) by the party mum why I hadn’t brought him along, and was sent home with a handbag full of bday cake, bubbles and balloons, after profuse apologies that she only had extras of the party bag fillers but no extra bag to put them in!

Much prefer my school gate lot to others.